to think I will have excruciating 'bad' grief bereaved days for the rest of my life?

[dontcryFaMeArgentina]

I'm a few years now post bereavement but still have excruciatingly painful days where something triggers grief and loss and I feel overwhelmed with bleakness that I will never see them again.

The rawness of initial grief has eased as people said it would but its not better in the sense of feeling ok when it comes or even tolerable when it comes. Is this it now for life?

I'm going to have this forever aren't I until I die? that periodically I will be overcome with these agonising waves of deep deep pain.

I know what they say grief is the price you pay for love and the bigger the love etc. but it's that searing painful bleakness. [Trigger warning] at its worse it makes me want to die whats the point of life without them? I know it will pass but in the dark of the night or int he middle of a bad episode of resurfaced grief the pain is so so severe.

I don't want this pain forever. Am I stuck with this now? I guess so...

Have you considered grief counselling?

Have you had bereavement counselling?

It's not forever. Five years on and now I'm just sad sometimes.

I get you OP. It will be 6 years since I lost my husband and I too occasionally get those days/nights. I will say they seem to happen less often as every year passes.

at its worse it makes me want to die

if you actively suicidal you need to seek professional help.

For a child, I am not sure that I would ever expect to not have those days but for anyone else I would hope that they lessen with time.

I am 2.5 years on and still cry in the shower every morning. My eyes fill up about 10 times a day.

The part of me that misses them isn’t easing. I feel like you. That it’s never going to get better.

I had counselling, but it doesn’t change that I miss them. That’s the issue.

I hope for both of us it does get better x

I would say that you're right. I lost someone I loved very much more than 20 years ago and I can't even type this, thinking about them without getting tearful. It's true that most of the time now they're not in the forefront of my mind but I still think of them often and then I cry that they're not hear anymore.

My mum has outlived my dad by more than 25 years and she says the first five years were so miserable that she can barely remember them but then over time she stopped feeling like that. Everyone's experiences will be different of course but I feel confident in saying you won't feel like this forever.

I am five years in and still have days where I almost go back to day one, but they are becoming few and far between now. I still feel some sadness on days that should be happy, for example birthdays / mothers day etc..

I get you op.

I totally get where you come from with this.

Im 30 years down the line from the most influential life changing sudden and tragic death in my family.

There are whole periods of time where it’s tucked in the back, safe, controlled but there.

Yesterday, I spoke to someone who described in detail the death of a colleague who died in the same manner. (Suicide) They described the lead up, the realisation that something was off, then the discovery of the body.

I found myself unable to speak or find words. The waves of overwhelming pain began and engulfed me. I was shaking, and felt physically unwell.

30 years on.

If I see someone who looks like them, hear a song, see something that reminds me it comes back.
If I hear of another death by suicide, it brings me great pain.

It’s not every day, it’s not all the time but no, it doesn’t go away.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our: Mental Health resources www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health. You can also go to the Samaritans website: www.samaritans.org or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We've moved your thread to our Bereavement board now, where you might find more support from people who are walking the same path as you.
Take care

I lost my husband 5 years ago. The bad days happen but have decreased over the years. I still think about him every day but the grief isn't overwhelming as it was in the early days. Id like to think he'd be proud of me and the kids that we're getting on with life.

My DP died, very suddenly and unexpectedly, in November 2020. I still get these overwhelming attacks of grief several times a day. They are so intense that they make me feel as though someone has punched me in the gut and winded me.

I am triggered by so many things that remind me of my loss, and when it happens it feels just like the moment I took the call from the hospital, telling me that he was gravely ill and that it was life-threatening. I can't get my breath when it happens.

I've had 2 lots of counselling, one through work and one on the NHS, but both were restricted to 6 sessions. I'm now paying privately for ongoing counselling, which is crippling me financially but is going deeper and exploring my history of trauma as well as loads of other stuff (including the possibility that I am ND).

My heart goes out to you OP, and to all who are going through this. I often lie in bed at night hoping I will just die in my sleep and not have to go through another day.

thank you for your replies and condolences to everyone here who has suffered a loss.

@FionnulaTheCooler and @Pippa12 yes I have had grief counselling and it did help.

It’s not every day, it’s not all the time but no, it doesn’t go away.

@Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon this is my fear. just less frequently. I want it to stop. when it happens it is so searingly painful.

I lost my mum over 4 years ago and still cry most days, sometimes multiple. The bleak reality I'll never hold or be held by her again. That my babies never got to sit on their grandmas knee not once. Yes, still takes me breath away on the regular and makes me wonder what is the point to anything. Crying as I type this, wouldn't wish grief on my worst enemy.

Time dose t heal u jus need to learn how to live with it think of the happy times and people around you life messes u up but u get through makes u stronger. Make them proud x

Sorry to hear that I lost my mum and dad within 8 week apart when I was pregnant with my first child I was 24 ur right makes u stronger and nothing can hurt u like that ever 👌 c

I’m sorry you are going through this. I too am overcome by waves of grief most days. I lost my husband to a heart attack in February. I haven’t come to terms with the loss of him, us or who I was. Like others have said the idea of going to sleep and not waking has been attractive to me - although I would never act on this.

One thing that helps me is a visualisation I’ve been given. Your life is a jar with a ball that is your loss in it. The ball never changes but you can make the jar bigger and re shape it so that the ball no longer takes up most of the jar. It makes sense to me as we will never forget our loved ones or not feel the loss but by doing this we can control when we feel that pain and hopefully enjoy our life again. Only time will tell for me whether it’s true or not but I really hope so. Take care xx