Viewing a loved one after death.

[sleeptight1]

My Mum passed away suddenly on the 3rd April 2024. As it was sudden there had to be a post mortem. I remember at the time scouring this website and online, looking to read people's experiences of viewing their loved ones after death, to help me decide if it was something I was going to do.

I thought I would share my experience for anyone in the future who wants to read someone else's experience to help them make up their mind what is the best decision for them. If anybody else wants to add their experience please feel free.

I found my Mum unresponsive in bed. It could have happned at any point from 1 minute to 60 minutes to me finding her.She was collected and taken to the funeral home 2 hours later. On the 5th April she was transported to the hospital for the post mortem which was carried out on 10th April.
She arrived back at the funeral directors on 16th April and I didn't view her until 29th April - so 3 weeks and 5 days after death.

I was very pleased that I went to see her. I had provided clothing for her to wear and a photo of how she looked in life. She looked completely peaceful. She had physical disabilities that that worsened and I didn't realise how pinched with discomfort here face had become, until i saw her in the reflection room. I touched her face and hands. I had dressed her in a smart coatigan that she wore when we went to the theatre in the winter with a cashmere scarf and when I touched her arms and felt the fabric, it felt just like I did when I would transport her from her wheelchair to her theatre seat. I cried...but I felt better.

Her mouth looked slightly different as I think they have to pack it with cotton due to post mortem changes but it was still my mum and it didn't spoil how she looked. She had a coffin made from Banana leaf...she would have liked that.

I had been really worried that as it was 3 week before she was embalmed, I would be unable to see her. Embalmers are truly unsung heroes. They made her look lovely.What an amazing job it must be when you know you can bring comfort to families like this?

The last time I had seen her was on her bedroom floor, in her underwear, looking almost traumatised from the Interventions from the paramedics (not their fault - they tried to bring her back). I am glad though that this was not my last vision of my Mum. Although my days are still like a rollercoaster, seeing her did give me a sense of peace for a day. Hope you make the right decision for you.

I’m glad it was a positive experience for you, especially the way her expression was no longer affected by pain.

Thank you so much for sharing. It sounds like seeing her gave you comfort.

I am very sorry for your loss. 🌺

Thank you for sharing this OP, I'm so glad you are glad you saw her.

I remember feeling grateful that my dad looked so peaceful in death: more peaceful than he had done in years.

So sorry for your loss. I also went to see my Mum and the thing that got me was how cold her cheek was when I touched it. Everything else was as it should be and I'm glad I did it. Sending huge hugs 💐

So sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your experience and a little of the relationship you had with your mum. May she Rest in Peace.

Thanks for sharing @sleeptight1, your description of touching her cashmere scarf and it bringing back nice memories for you brought a tear to my eyes.

Recently my very close friend passed away unexpectedly, and I have approximately a week left to decide if I should visit her in the funeral home. I really have a lot of love I need to say out loud to her, but at the same time I'm worried it might not feel like "her". Your post is very helpful and I'm sorry for your loss 💕

Sending love. I'm glad seeing your Mum was such a comfort to you.
Just to counterbalance because I wouldnt wanr anyone to feel like I did, the only time I saw a loved one (my grandfather) after death, I found very traumatic. On the other hand, my mum found it very comforting.

I'm glad it was a nice experience for you.

I saw my dad last year and I'm glad that I did, he looked better than when he was alive. He'd had a haircut and a shave and apart from his nose looking a bit "sunken" he was the dad I wanted to remember, not the man in the hospital bed, in pain and desperately wanting to die.

I wish I had been able to see my son though, but due to the nature of his death it wasn't possible, even now I still have "what if it wasn't him" moments.

This is so generous of you. I hope your mourning path is paved with similar generosity along the way so be it as smooth as possible x

This is really nice, thanks for sharing this. I've been worried about doing the same when the time comes and it's really nice to hear it was a comfort to you

I am so sorry for your loss and so pleased that the chance to see your mum a final time was a comfort for you.

I went to see my dad after he passed, not really for me but to support my sibling who wanted to and was nervous to do it alone. I do t regret it, because it helped my brother, but for me it just drove home my dad’s death. His face was wrong and his hands were wrong. Without that spark of life it wasn’t him. It’s the only time I ever saw my dad where he didn’t tell me he loved me. So it wasn’t scary, but for me it also wasn’t him.

My son died on the 26th April, he was 13 and sadly had cancer. I was very unsure whether or not to see him in the chapel of rest as he had passed away peacefully at home. I hadn't planned on seeing him again, but I felt I would regret it if I didn't go. I will be honest, it wasn't a good experience for me and it's still playing on my mind and preventing me from sleeping. He looked old, grey and sunken, and I felt scared of him. My daughter was touching and cuddling him so it gave me the courage to do the same, but he felt frozen and it freaked me out more. I felt like I could see him moving, and his face didn't look right, especially his mouth and cheeks. I thought he would look like he was sleeping, but he just looked dead and I felt detached. I can't get the smell of the chapel of rest out of my head, it's not a bad smell, just a strange one. It did give me some closure and I know going to see your loved one helps with the grieving process, but it's not something I would do again for other loved ones.

Gosh this was really moving. Sadly visiting my mum in the chapel only haunts me but I'm truly glad it has given you some peace, losing a mother has got to be one of the most painful losses there is. Hugs

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one is never easy, especially when it's sudden like that. It sounds like you made a really brave decision to see your Mum, and I'm glad it brought you some peace, even if just for a day.

When DS's DDad died I made the mistake of giving them his passport photo (I didn't realise why they wanted a shot and I was in a state of shock so not thinking properly). It was both awful and hilarious in equal measures. In any case they did a really good job of making him look like his photo.

@Downtoyou so very sorry , can only begin to imagine what living without your child is like. Strong lady x

I have never seen a loved one after death, but members of my family have. One said they wish they hadn't (viewed a parent) and the other said the person they viewed no longer looked like the person they had been. Don't know why some people look ok and others don't, but I'm putting this on so anyone considering a viewing is aware it could go either way.

@Downtoyou . My heartfelt, condolences. I can only imagine your heartbreak at losing your son at such a young age. My bereavement was sad, but it will never be as painful as losing a child. My heart goes out to you and your family. Wishing you strength and peace in the coming months.

My dad died suddenly last month. The last memory was of him having cpr and shocks.

I saw him two weeks later and am also very glad I did. It looked like him and it was nice you spend some time with him.

I’m glad you found it a positive experience as well and I’m really sorry for your loss. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it it’s just so sad isn’t it xx

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think this is an important thread as it just shows how different everyone's experiences are and how decisions like this are almost impossible.
My husband viewed his grandparents and couldn't regret it more. I think it almost traumatised him. I don't know why exactly but I know he would never view anyone again. He was extremely close to his grandmother.
I would never view a loved one as I know it wouldn't be right for me. A previous poster mentioned that it's important for the grieving process and while I'm sure that is true for some people it definitely isn't true for everyone.
Grief is different for everyone.

It was similar with my mum, OP. I don't know how long her heart had stopped. It could have been up to half an hour, but I could see that she was too far gone for CPR. It was a sudden death and she was far too young. Following the PM I had her dressed in her favourite dress and went to see her. She had been transformed from a truly disturbing sight at death to someone that resembled how she was alive. Her mouth wasn't right and she looked cross, but at least a had a better last memory of her.

My dad died very suddenly, very unexpectedly at home. I live 75. Miles away. By the time I got there he had been collected by the funeral director. I eventually chose not to see him. I wanted to remember how he was, full of laughter and love, not lying unresponsive. My mum and sister saw him a couple of times, she said she’s glad I chose not too, she said he didn’t really look like himself and although it helped her, she thinks it would have been too much for me as I had a much closer relationship with our dad than she did. It’s very much a personal choice though.

It’s good to be able to talk openly about this OP and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Just to give another experience, I wanted to say goodbye to my dad who had also died suddenly at home at ripe old age and without previous illness so needed a post mortem.

Family warned me I might not like it, but I wanted to hug him. When I saw him him he looked completely different with a strange grimace, expression and skin. It actually didn't feel like he was at all present and it was very upsetting, I couldn’t even touch him.

I felt bad as the undertakers had gone to a lot of effort to open for me, but it was horrible. But it sounds positive for most of you which is good.

I hadto work really hard to get the image out of my head and remember him alive, greeting us at the door, smiling and alive. His funeral was amazing and deeply meaningful so that really helped.

I was with both of my parents when they died. We also sat with my dad’s body overnight. He just looked as if he was asleep and we even joked that he would wake up and say ‘what are you doing here?’. However, we nursed my mother in her last weeks and although everyone came to see her in the last days of her life, including grand children, I wouldn’t have liked them to see her when she died as she barely looked like herself. I think the best plan is to remember people as they were and hold on to memories of when you and they had good times together. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to view a body.

So pleased you had a positive experience. I did too when I went to see my dad. In the last 9 months of his life he hadn’t worn clothes, just PJ’s so seeing him in the clothes he wore for family meals was nice. He looked so peaceful and better than he had done in so long. It really brought us all a sense of peace and closure. My son wasn’t sure if he would come in, so he waited in the reception and I said I’d let him know if I thought he should see him, and I told him yes come in if you want to as he looks very peaceful. He was also really glad that he came in to say goodbye. My brother chose not to come and that is fine, he saw him shortly after he passed and didn’t want to come to the chapel of rest