My dad dosn't understand why my dsis and I are "still" upset.

[malificent7]

Mum died 11 years ago from mouth cancer. It was awful. 5 months later dad got with best friend's mum.
I was happy and sad . It was good seeing dad so happy but hard seeing his gf in mum's chair etc. Dsis took it very badly and has been lc since.Dad was always tight with mum ...keot her credit cards. He spoils his now fiance.
I found out they were engaged 2 days ago when I saw a valentines card on the mantlepiece saying "to my fiance." Dd had known for a few months but they told her not to tell me as they were worried i'd be angry.
I have mixed feelings...happy my dad is happy. Dsis is so upset...I think she needs grief councelling.
Dad handled his new girlfriend very badly with zero sensitivity. They were canoodling on the couch in frony of me...vom!
Dad has no idea why my sister and I are still grieving over mum 10 years on.

It sounds awful, and I'm not surprised you and your sister are upset.

But am I right your dad has been with this lady for over 10 years now?

I think after 11 years it's time to wish them well OP, no matter how badly they handled it at first.

Yes...I am happy for them but I have had my issues with some of their behaviour.

I think it’s time to accept them and move on OP. And I say that with kindness x

I know. I do accept them. But why can't I feel super happy? I get tired of them boasting about all the holidays and coffees when dsis and I run ourselves ragged.
I think I do need grief councelling though and my sister definately does.

Of course you will both be sad that your mum is not with you, that's natural, even a decade on. Your dad won't understand your grief because he doesn't feel it in the same way. From what you've described of their relationship, perhaps he didn't really love her and so didn't really need to grieve as much.

You and your sister would both benefit from some grief counselling. Perhaps to help you come to terms with witnessing your parent's dysfunctional relationship as well as with the loss of your mother.

Important to remember that it's possible to feel happy for your dad but to not necessarily want to be close to him.

I'm in a similar position regarding my dad so I understand but where you are coming from.

I think that's pretty natural regardless of bereavement and remarriage - you're just at a busier stage of life.

She is a perfectly lovely lady too. I guess I dont get why he dosn't have the empathy chip.

Your sister is being pretty awful imo to punish your DF for this long for finding a new partner.

I'm sorry for the loss of your DM.

I find it hard as my sister and I feel that he has his new family now and we feel pushed out. But then I get why....he can sense that we are upset or grieving so has distanced himself.
We have reached a bit of an impasse...especially my sister. She once waited for 8 weeks before he phoned her. They are both so stubborn. She was upset that he didn't phone her on her birthday....she didn't phone him on his birthday.
I think it's just that he lacks empathy. When he got with his fiance he was so hapoy he even wanted to introduce her to my late mum's mother!
We have informed him that we will not be telling my mum's sister about his engagement as she finds it really hard.
His reoly? " that's rich as sevwral members of her family have divorced and remarried."
This us total bollocks btw...noone on my aunts side has divorced and remarried....he is talking out of his arse. It is a non argument and shows zero empathy towards my aunt.

I think my sister is being harsh but she remembers the way my dad abused my mum when we were kids ...mum running down the road with us to hide in a phone box etc to get away from the rages.
She is not the forgiving type and it orobably hurts to see him being so nice to someone else. He has done lasting damage to her that's for sure. She's punishing him for that... not for his engagement..

My dad attempted to move my my mums best friend in after two weeks and then went on immediately to date a slew of other women. He remarried after a few years. Dad’s hurtful behaviour at the beginning almost paused grieving for my mum for me and my sister and it took counselling and time for that to happen normally. I will never be able to feel the same way about him but by focussing on processing my own grief for my mum it moved things on.

Oh ok, sounds like there is much more to her resentment than I initially understood. Fair enough. You are stuck in the middle which is tough. I don't think you can really change either of their minds.

I wonder if you were kind of extra bonded to your DM because your DF was dysfunctional, which could explain why your grief is complicated and hard to manage.

I’m really sorry about what happened to your mother and it does sound as though your father moved on very quickly, which must have been painful for you and your sister. However, it has now been 11 years so I think your father is well within his rights to marry again and you should accept the situation as graciously as you can.

Your mother has been dead for eleven years! It is well past time to act like a mature adult and keep whatever feelings of grief you still feel to yourself. You will always miss her but your father has every right in the world to move on and live his life, and you have no right to let your feelings get in the way of having a nice, loving relationship with both him and your stepmother.

Are you still grieving for your mum, or grieving for the dad you never had?

He sounds as if he was a terrible husband to your mum, and terrible dad to you. And then he fixed himself up with another woman pronto, treated her better than your mum but pushed you out.

I suspect you are normal level sad about your mum but full of unresolved feelings about your dad.

I don’t think you need to feel happy for them tbh. I think you can wish them well without it actually involving feelings of happiness on their behalf.

what they did was shameful, I am not surprised you feel the way you do. Still being together 10 years later does not negate the complete disregard they had for you and your sister in a time of great stress, shock and bereavement.

I can only hope your dad acted that way due to complex trauma response, because it’s just not a normal way to act.

Your feelings are valid, you don’t need to be hanging out the bunting and crying tears of joy, it is enough to simply wish them well and let the feelings pass.

I would definitely recommend grief counselling for you both, it was a game changer for me. It’s never too late to deal with grief and trauma. Xx

OP I get the feeling that you can't come to terms with how your Dad treated your Mum. By that, I mean how he was obviously quite controlling and aggressive towards her but also can't understand how he can treat his fiancee in such a different and apparently lovely way now. Can a leopard change his spots?
Obviously all relationships are managed differently depending on the people involved but I think I'd be tempted to be asking her if she is really happy with your Dad. If she responds - then you can voice your concerns about how you saw your parents relationship and would hate for history to repeat itself.
Your childhood does not sound like a very happy one but that could be because your parents were not in a good place in their relationship - they could have been unhappy a long time and unconsciously you may have been aware of this long before your Mum became ill and then guilt may have set in because there would be no chance for either of them to change things for the better.
Grief is very personal thing - some people can move on and others get stuck - I think you and your sister are stuck because you can't get past your Dad's treatment of your Mum. Talking Therapies would certainly help you with this and you can refer yourself for free but how quickly you can begin depends on the area and the demands where you live. You do both need to move on and leave the bitterness behind before it spoils your future.
Your Dad embracing his fiancee's family over his own children suggests he is probably feeling very guilty over his treatment of your Mum and by displaying how 'happy' he is - is probably trying to engineer a rift so you and your sister appear to be responsible for any sour feelings leaving him to feel free of his guilt.
Getting to talk to someone who is completely impartial can be very enlightening and is really needed here for you both.

What do you mean by run yourselves ragged? Is this in helping them out or by having to work to live?

10 years on of course you are sad that your mum isn't alive but he's right, he should be able to move on and you fully accept it.

It seems he was fairly fast though you don't say how long your mum was ill - remember you often start to grieve after diagnosis so when you actually loose your loved one the process is different to a sudden death.

I think what is annoying is that even my daughter's friend knew about the engagement before I did! For example, I asked my dad how long ago he got engaged. He said a few weeks.
Dd said she knew before Christmas...as did her friend. Dad asked my dd to keep a secret from me because he was scared about my reaction. I gave always been very gracious about his relationship.

I say run ragged as I work crazy shifts for nhs ...i love it. I wouldn't change it. But dad always slags of the nhs...both me and dsis work there and his fiance was a nurse!
Anyway...I have written them a nice engagement card and resisted the temptation to write " even the cat knew before I did!"
I don't have to fully embrace anything. Why should I?
Am I happy my dad is happy? Yes of couse.
Do I like his fiance ? Definately although she gloats at times...I am happy she makes him happy.
Am I happy he treats his fiance well...yes but shame he couldnt do it for mum.
Do I wish they would grow a pair of balls and actually speak to me and dsis about emotional stuff? Yes but aint gonna happen.
Am I worried about mum and dad's estate? Yes but it is his £££ and as he resents helping financially in life, I doubt he will do it in death either.
His fiance is lovely but she does love to rub it in about how she no longer has to work ( dad does too). My mum worked in a job where she was bullied and dad got really shitty when she was bullied out of it ( he was pissed due to loss of funds). She hardly got to see a penny as he took her cards and didn't get to enjoy her retirement so I don't have to fully embrace anything.Especially when his fiance took great pleasure in telling us we must all be so stressed.

And I very much doubt my father feels guilt.

My father abused my mother. That included financial abuse.

He moved on immediately after her death from cancer. In some ways it was understandable because he had so much time to prepare mentally.

she is a perfectly nice woman. I do my best to accept her. I am never going to be able to truly accept that from everything I can tell, he treats his girlfriend dramatically better than he ever treated my mother . That is where the angst lies and will continue indefinitely.

Yes...it is hard to realise "Ponderingwidow" and it's hard as we came directly from our mothers.

My sister feels that we remind him of a difficult relationship and so out of sight, ot of mind.