My dad dosn't understand why my dsis and I are "still" upset.

[malificent7]

Mum died 11 years ago from mouth cancer. It was awful. 5 months later dad got with best friend's mum.
I was happy and sad . It was good seeing dad so happy but hard seeing his gf in mum's chair etc. Dsis took it very badly and has been lc since.Dad was always tight with mum ...keot her credit cards. He spoils his now fiance.
I found out they were engaged 2 days ago when I saw a valentines card on the mantlepiece saying "to my fiance." Dd had known for a few months but they told her not to tell me as they were worried i'd be angry.
I have mixed feelings...happy my dad is happy. Dsis is so upset...I think she needs grief councelling.
Dad handled his new girlfriend very badly with zero sensitivity. They were canoodling on the couch in frony of me...vom!
Dad has no idea why my sister and I are still grieving over mum 10 years on.

I am sorry for your loss.

After 11 years though him getting engaged should not be an issue.

And her " gloating " about not having to work anymore is it actually gloating or more she's happy to retired from being a nurse?

Very perceptive post.

Ugh, your father sounds very difficult and, frankly, unpleasant.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to see him treating his fiancée so differently from your mum. But I'm not sure that leopards really do change their spots, and I wonder how it really is with them when you're not around? With your parents you observe almost everything; maybe to relatives they only saw occasionally your father also seemed like the generous and doting husband, madly in love etc? And maybe when you're not there he's capable of behaving quite differently to his new partner too?

My mums relatives knew how he was....hiding her cards and handing over her entire pay check each month.

Hsrdly doting.

Well I dont mind anyone being happy with retirement but when they say I must be stressed with great relish it does make me wonder.

You don't sound like you like her. She doesn't actually sound very likeable from your description. Do you feel that you have to like her? Have to be reasonable? Be the emollient, placatory one while your sister gets to be unforgiving and stubborn? You sound like you're reading a script that you don't really believe. "I don't mind. She's perfectly nice. It's fine..." Rinse and repeat.

Do you not remember your dad's abuse of your mum?

Maybe I'm wrong, but whatever it is, you'll feel better if you allow yourself to feel however you feel.

They both sound quite unpleasant to me - your abusive father and his gloaty girlfriend.
I think your sister is right to be low contact with them. You are a better person than me that you can feel any happiness for your father, I’m not sure I could in your shoes knowing all that your mother suffered at his hands.
I think it’s perfectly natural for you to still be upset about your mother, he doesn’t sound like a man who has a lot of empathy or compassion, that’s why he can’t understand your pain.

I agree with the PP who said you should just allow yourself to feel how you feel.

You don't have to try to force yourself to feel super happy for them. Your father abused your mum and sounds pretty unpleasant. The new fiancé doesn't sound too lovely either. You wish them well and you owe them no more than that. You don't need to see them if you don't want to.

As for him not understanding why you're upset, he's probably incapable of seeing anything from your point of view, so you're wasting your time and energy if you think you can get him to understand. He's a man who stole his wife's bank cards and made her hand over her salary. Who cares what he thinks - someone like that has twisted ways of thinking, and it's best not to make the mistake of believing that he's capable of thinking like a nice normal person.

@AnnaMagnani ’s post is very insightful and I agree that your feelings/your sister’s feelings about your Dad might be at the root of this.

My Dad married my SM five years after my Mum died and I was delighted for them. But, he adored my Mum and although he sometimes made her life difficult due to his MH problems, his love for her was clear. That helped me to accept his new relationship.

I think that you and your sister are grieving not only your Mum, but also her difficult marriage and the Dad you didn’t have. 💐

Why would 'feeling super happy' be the relevant, emotionally truthful or required reaction? It isn't.

Feel general goodwill towards them, wish them well, mean that - but only that.

Of course you still grieve and miss your mother. That is your grief, not his. His behaviour has changed your perception of him, your closeness to him, your relationship. That's a fact. That's ok.

The mistake I see in your OP is an assumption (on whose part I'm not sure) that everyone in the family ought to experience things the same way, feel the same, respond the same way. That's an odd, socially and emotionally unintelligent thing to think.

You're different, adult people with different life experiences. Your relationships naturally change over time.

Your father has behaved in ways that make you less close now than you once were, or than he imagined you were / expected you to be. <shrug> so it is.

And hoping he might understand your point of view would be a waste of energy. Never going to happen.

He clearly finds you a thorn in his side because you haven't capitulated and acquiesced to his view of the world. Hence the passive aggressive digs and not telling you about the engagement.

There's no point doing the same stroppy, stubborn toddlerish thing back to him. Unless it gives you pleasure.

Yes thay is true....and now he fes sad thathis children are more distant from him and has no ideawhat he has done.

He's never going to understand and you're never going to be able explain to his satisfaction. There's no point trying.

All you can say is that you're different people, so it's no surprise you have different feelings and experiences. 'Yes Dad, we're very different people aren't we'; repeat as required.

He sounds like someone who, at a very fundamental level, does not understand that other people are different and separate from him. He sees you as extensions of himself. He may well not be capable of seeing anything differently.

Extensions of h is exactly thst. I wonder if it's narcasism.

I agree that @AnnaMagnani has described this well.

Your dad had a different relationship with your mum and than you did. It sounds like he didn't love her very much where as you clearly did. He will have reacted differently to her death because of this.

It now must be difficult to see that your dad was always actually capable of being a decent man. He just wasn't a decent man to your mum.

You don't need to feel anything for your dad. You don't even need to have a relationship with him if you don't want to. You can maintain a relationship with him and still be disappointed that he wasn't a better man for your mum.

It stings as someone said we feel like a thorn in his side as we camefrom a woman he didnt love. Fwiw, mum should have left him years ago!

He sounds like a crap husband and a crap father who caused an awful lot of pain while your mother was alive. That's what seems to be at the root of this and it has little to do with his new relationship.

Sometimes recognising the crapness of a parent and deciding what sort of relationship you want with them is the only way to go forward, because he won't suddenly improve as a father even if he behaves better in his current realtionship.

I think on some levels he was a good dad who wanted the best for us....my mum could be hard work and had post natal doression.
I am starting to feel happier for him and have sent him a card.
He is a wonderful granddad to dd so im grateful for that.
A bit of love in the world is no bad thing!

Your dad could be mine.

Stingy, critical git with my mother. Now no expense spared on this latest woman.

The way he dismissed my grief felt extra disrespectful towards mum. Like who'd be bothered to grieve her? Have gone LC but also feel guilty that I'm not a dutiful daughter.

People who haven't been through this have no idea. My father's cold brutality towards me and my grief was the same dismissive attitude he had towards mum. I do wonder, as PPs have said, whether my father has tried to engineer a rift so he can sail off into the sunset, unencumbered by dead wife's offspring. And blame me for being unreasonable.

Good that your dad is still interested in his GCs. Some hope there. 💐

Yes...it's very painful. What a twat.

My mother didn't handle her situation with my dad well at all. I was 17 when she decided she was a lesbian. My then boyfriends mother.
I am 52 this year and I still think my mother was an arsehole. She's been dead 10 years and my dad's been dead for 19.
I still think it's amusing that my mother survived for only 9 years after my dad.