DH died suddenly 10 days ago - why so calm?

[wink1970]

My beloved DH of 23 years died over Easter of a stroke - it was not painless, the staff at Canterbury hospital and the initial attending paramedics were beyond awful (another thread for the legal section when I’m ready). I saw him die.

I'm struggling with how calm I am. It was sudden and to say we were happy is an understatement. I loved him with my entire soul, we did everything together, only 12 days apart in all that time.

why I am I so calm? I’m having waves of tears and I need to be strong for his kids (grown up, also handling surprisingly ok), and we did often discuss this as he had cancer 15 years ago ……. But still, why’s this going on? I’m going to crash and burn aren’t I? Just need to know so I can prepare.

thank you. This is awful for us all, I wish you all peace and eventual happiness xxx

Perhaps you are doing this just the way he would have wanted.

My DH died suddenly and unexpectedly in his 40s. He went out one day, perfectly healthy and didn’t come back. I was incredibly shocked but functioned for DC and arranging everything that needed to be done. Because it was such an unlikely thing to have happened, it didn’t really seem real for a long time and part of me expected him to come back for at least a year. It’s ok for you to be and feel however you are. At some random point it will probably hit you, probably with what seems like a very minor trigger, and that’s ok too. Take care.

I think grief is so personal and also so different.

I tend to go into practical mode and my emotions and grief are processed by working through all the practical stuff. That tends to make me look from the outside as being calm.

I think we all process it in the only way we can.

Thank you so much, all of you. I had the kids round last night for a cuppa and they're hitting the raging stage, which I also did not long after my original post, so I guess it's going to be waves for all of us.

Seems to strange to think I won't see him again. I'm only 53, we were expecting to retire early in 18 months and enjoy each other even more, I'm angry he won't get to do that. I'm desperately sad for him more than for me, if that makes sense.

Shock and self preservation. Take each hour as it comes and don't expect too much of yourself. So sorry.

I’m so sorry to hear this.

When I lost my dad I very calmly dealt with it all (parents weren’t together and he was an only child, so sister & I were responsible for all the arrangements and practicalities).

I kept expecting the crash, people told me there’d be a crash, but it didn’t come in the way I expected.

What did happen was months later I started having panic attacks that were seemingly completely unrelated. Not triggered by anything to do with dad. I also look back at that period of my life and recognise that I was engaging in really out of character risky behaviour. It wasn’t until I saw a doctor about the panic attacks that they suggested it could be linked to grief, which surprised me because I’d been so “strong”.

A little bit further down the line, I would recommend looking into grief/trauma counselling even if you feel you’re coping well. It will find a way to come out, and it might not be in a way you’re expecting or even realise while it’s happening.

Take care of yourself OP.

So sorry for your loss op, I lost my mum suddenly when I was very heavily pregnant with my first she had a brain aneurysm it was brutal and fast and rocked my world but in the first few weeks I was extremely strong and looked after my dad ( this should of been a reverse but hey ) once my dad showed me his true colours and I stepped away the grieving started and it knocked the wind out of me, it's 4 years this month and it still feels just as painful I actually had a sob im the car this morning that she's missing my youngest first day at nursery. Basically what I'm trying to say is that sadly , it's going to hit you and it will be brutal. Grief is the price we pay for love, feel everything you need to. Maybe start writing in a journal I found that helpful

@mrssunshinexxx I can't imagine how difficult that must have been to have lost your Mum when you did but I don't agree with you that it's inevitable that it will hit OP and that it will be brutal. Everyone reacts differently and people grieve differently.

That's your opinion @FreeTheBeast I can only go off my reality

@mrssunshinexxx
I wasn't doubting you at all but just pointing out that just because you experienced grief one way doesn't mean everyone else will do it the same. When I lost someone very dear to me I was shocked how calm I was. I was and still am sad but I was and have always been calm about it. I haven't been this way purposefully and it's not because I think I should bottle things up, or suppress my grief it's just how I am. I obviously don't expect everyone to grieve like I have, everyone is different.

I am so sorry to hear this. A few years ago I signed a petition somewhere to improve the provision for stroke care in East Kent and I remember being shocked how patchy it seemed. Please accept my sincere condolences.

My DH died completely out of the blue just over five months ago - he was fit and healthy and only 57. The year before we’d embarked on a big adventure together and bought a farm - he’d never been happier and was full of plans. It’s been very traumatic - I found him and had the ambulance call handler insisting I do CPR when I knew it was futile - I constantly get flashbacks of those moments waiting for the paramedics to arrive and then it feels like someone’s punched me. However, day to day I’m still very calm - I’m back at work, I get up and look after the animals, I see friends, I go to my choir, I get my hair cut and my nails done and people keep telling me how well I’m doing. There’s still loads of admin to do which is very complex and seems never ending. Sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel scared but mostly I miss him - one thing I haven’t done much is cry.

I'm very sorry OP. When I had a stroke I was taken to Ashford, as my GP called them to the surgery, and I never even saw a doctor, only a stroke nurse in resus. He decided I was fine. My DH said I was clearly displaying stoke symptoms. Clearly Canterbury isn't any better. If any good is to come out of this, highlighting the inadequacy of K&C would be a positive thing to do. Also the poor paramedic response of which I've also experienced.

I am so sorry for your loss. A sudden death can put a person directly into shock and disbelief. The calm is before the storm as it will sink in. You may be repressing your emotions too as you mention you have to be strong for the kids- but they are adults so I don’t think you do have to be strong. I think you can all lean on each other, cry on each others shoulders, wallow in your sorrow. There is no reason to hold back.

I understand what you are saying @FreeTheBeast I wish I had been calm, I feel like I'm drowning still 4 years on. Feel far too young to not have her

Gosh, thank you again for today’s messages, I am humbled. You have taken the time, with your own grief, so I am so grateful .
I am in the unfortunate position of knowing 3 women who lost their lives at this Age, including DH’s sister, so I have had practical advice as well as your wonderful words.they really have helped.
bless you xx

I’m so sorry - the loss of a shared dream seems the worst bit xxxx

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH out of the blue at the end of February to a cardiac arrest and also saw him die. I have had periods of calm interspersed with outbreaks of sorrow and even a tiny bit of anger at him for abandoning me like this.

I think the numb calm is a protective thing. I still haven’t really accepted he has gone and even the funeral last week didn’t change this for me. Now the immediate practical arrangements of the funeral are over there are other much more triggering tasks which I am struggling with. I have closed his mobile phone account today and have been in floods of tears over that.

I’m not far enough ahead of you on this journey to know what will happen but the advice I’ve had seems to be to just roll with what each day brings emotionally. I don’t think there will necessarily be a crash event and I personally I hope not. I’m hoping for a gradual slow release of emotions but I think what needs to happen will. Take care.

My dad died over a year ago. He'd reached a good age but the last few weeks of his life in hospital I found quite traumatic, and to be honest I found that harder than the actual final loss of him as he had really struggled the last year or so of his life. I found witnessing that decline very hard to cope with.

Do you know what/s wierd, though? He is still showing in my Find Friends on my iphone as status of "Dad can see your location" and I just CANNOT bring myself to take it off that setting. I'm not superstitious or religious or anything like that, so I can only assume it's part of the way my brain is still dealing with grief.

My DH died suddenly 21 months ago, and I initially felt numb. I too sometimes have feelings of anger that he let me down, he should have been here still with me.

Annoyingly some post came today addressed to us both. People I had notified that he had passed away. I binned it - it was upsetting.

But I don't feel I have had a crash as such. As others say - each person's grief is different - there isn't a right way to grieve.

I am SO sorry for your loss, I wouldn’t wish seeing a loved one actually die on anyone, it’s a memory I’m trying to erase - but then it was my Honour to be with him. Please see it that way.

I am trying to work to his ethics when dealing with this - for such a strong person he always said he would be useless if I went before and would just hibernate. I have been working to the principle that he married a strong independent woman so will try to do the right thing.

to you all, again, thank you. You have taken time from your own grief to help x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm going through a bereavement at the moment, 4 months down the track. I was calm too when it happened. It sounds traumatic so you're probably in shock and haven't quite processed it yet.
Have you had the funeral? I found planning that and making practical arrangements kept me going and afterwards there is time to grieve and feel the loss.
You might not necessarily crash (I didn't) but it's a long process and you will have good days and bad days

Everyone grieves differently.

I lost my dm who I was very close to, three years ago (she wasn't elderly). I too remained calm and everyone said it would hit me eventually but it hasn't.

I know it's not the same as losing your life partner but my siblings have been totally bereft in comparison. I've felt guilty because I haven't reacted the same way.

I'm so sorry. That's so hard. Such a dramatic shock to have the future you envisaged taken away like that. Life is not fair. Look after yourself xxx

Thank you for the recent posts, I’ve been so up & down these last few days.

each day feels like a week, does that make sense? They go so quickly then I look back and realise what I thought I did last week was only yesterday!

funeral is Saturday, I’m dreading it. I’m a natural organiser so I know it will ‘flow’ but the anxiety of everyone else’s grief is giving me palpitations. The saving grace is the ‘kids’ who have been 100% on point, I’m humbled by them. They have just been amazing.

at the weekend I dug up the front garden under the dining room (disclaimer - I paid friend’s husband to do it! ) I know he’d disagree, but I have had to change where I sit at the table, otherwise I’m looking at his empty chair. This way I can look at a bird bath and some flowers I intend to plant! This is the most drastic change I intend to make but I’m feeling “sorry not sorry”.

apologies for the dump, the evenings are the worst. We used to sit on the sofa after dinner, me between his legs, and watch crappy telly and shout at the TV!

give your loved ones extra hugs tonight xxx