Transporting bedbound person to a funeral

[thisoldchestnutyetagain]

Does anyone have experience of getting someone who is bedbound to a funeral? A sad story, my fil died recently and we are trying to think through all the steps and options to get his wife to his funeral, which is likely to be in a church around 1/2 mile away. Will a private ambulance wait for the duration? Do we pay for carers / nurses to help lift her correctly into a wheelchair? (This has happened only maybe 4 times in 3 years for hospital visits, so we’re not even sure if she could physically sit for an hour or so.) It feels like a jigsaw and any experience of this would be so appreciated.

sounds absolutely exhausting for her

Don't get me wrong, but I am with the live stream option.

Getting this lady to church is a Herculean mission and one that she might not want either if an alternative can be found as mentioned already, - a private chat with the vicar, and inclusion in the service by live stream. I think that's kinder all round and also, I would delicately say that if the lady is brought in on a stretcher she would be the centre of attention, all eyes upon her, and she may not want that either.

I admire your efforts and kindness in trying to find a solution, but sometimes what looks good on paper is not so good in reality. Condolences to you and the family on your loss.

If she does want to attend in person could you have a short service?

Have you asked her what she would like to do ?

It very very much depends on the widow and her wishes. I think it's a terrible idea for her to attend but I could imagine my own MIL would have been utterly inconsolable if she hasn't been able to attend her husband's funeral, to the extent that she would have never ever recovered. It's the harm caused by going Vs the harm caused by not going.

Still, I would look into a live stream and private chat with the person conducting the service as a much preferred choice...

I think it depends if she wants to go. If she does then I think every effort should be made. So what if it's exhausting, so what if leads to a deterioration. Perhaps she would rather attend the funeral and not be bothered if she then shortens her own lifespan. So many of the comments make the old or disabled sound like an inconvenience.

What equipment does she have? Is she cared for at home?

I think the major deciding factor would be if she could get in a wheelchair

my dad could and we booked a taxi that took wheelchair it was very straightforward

not sure about private ambulance and stretcher if she can’t would she be happy with that not really dignified being stretched in

This is exactly what I would do.

@KnickerlessParsons If she's bed bound she would be wearing pads anyway and could be warmly dressed ready for transporting using a wheelchair if she's able and feels up to the short journey to the funeral.

That's my point. She might need changing. She's not going to want to sit in a dirty pad for very long.

what a difficult situation, I’m so sorry op.

Lots of questions
I assume that FIL’s wife is of sound mind, what would she like to happen?
what is the reason for her being bedbound? I assume there is a medical reason rather than just choice
how long has she been bedbound for? The longer it’s been the harder getting her to the funeral is likely to be
where is she currently living? Staff in a care home will be able to advise further on if / how they think going to the funeral is realistic, could you have a small wake there afterwards?
does she have a suitable wheelchair to sit out in (one that is specialist for her, with pressure relief etc)? If so that could be a big help
what’s the situation with continence? Could that be managed for a period of time?
how long is it until the funeral? Is there time to start trying to build up from very short periods out of bed?
how far away is the funeral location? 5 minutes around the corner with a short service is more doable than somewhere half an hour’s drive away.

If getting her there is full of unanswered questions and what ifs then live streaming is a poor, but better than nothing option.

I thought I’d update on what actually happened with this situation.

The funeral was four weeks after death which gave us ample time to work out different solutions. In between times Mil received help from a physio to help strengthen core muscles, and for us to learn how to move her from her hospital bed to chair and back again.

We had two services. A tiny one at a church just 200m away in the morning which MiL attended, plus six of us.

We had two careworkers arrive early to dress her, change her catheter to a small one on her leg, and the physio helped us move her to a wheelchair we had rented specially to fit down the hallway. The church was accessible with ramps, and we used the smooth quiet road to push her along, rather than the bumpy pavement. Same again on return. Then we had an allcomers service in the afternoon with a video link - a kind family member offered to stay with mil and they both watched that.

The only truly physically painful part for her was ‘sitting on’ the catheter, which was uncomfortable. She was tired from the exertion afterwards, but nothing else.

All in all, it was extremely smooth and she was glad she went. She was out of the house / bed for approximately one hour in total.

You've done amazingly well for her there.

Well done for managing to organise this so sensitively and thoughtfully for all involved including your MIL.

Thank you for updating. I'm so glad you were able to make it happen for her.

So very glad to hear you all managed her care so well that she was able to attend the funeral of her beloved DH in person. It really must have meant so much to her that you were able to support her in this way. Some small comfort for her in her loss.

Well done. I bet that meant a great deal to her. And I’m sorry for your loss.

Wow that's amazing that you managed this, I bet she was utterly drained after. I'm glad you found a solution.

Really glad you were able to facilitate her. Great to see various services/providers working to make this happen

If she wants to go you need to try hard to make it happen. Its likely his death will make her own health deteriorate quickly. So those saying it may be too hard on her right are right but bereavement is worse

This sounds best to me. If the celebrant addresses her directly during the livestream this will help enormously

I doubt it would be advisable for her to attend. You could have a word with her GP and see what they think.

Missed the update sorry. Good she got there.

Please see my update above - we managed it successfully.

Please see my update - we managed it successfully.