I'm not sure why I'm typing this really. I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Both me and my OH of 15 years had serious disabilities but they were complimentary. I could do the tasks that he couldn't do and he could do the ones I couldn't.
We had a simple life together, we didn't go out much as his doctor said COVID was too big a risk for him but we have had a wonderful time the last few years. Almost non stop talking and laughing from morning to night. My wonderful dad would visit 2-3 evenings a week picking up the slack on the one or two household tasks we couldn't do ourselves. They both loved to cook together and were best friends. The house was never quiet (not even when we were sleeping OH snored so loudly).
Out of nowhere dad died in January. One day we were planning on redoing my bedroom, he gave me a list of things to order from IKEA after he measured everything up. I called him to tell him the delivery date and go no answer. After hours of worried calling I got through to his housemate who broke into his room and found him dead in bed. He'd fallen asleep and just never woke up. He wasn't ill and was only 68 so it was a massive shock. The last two months have been very hard adjusting to life without him.
Monday night OH started struggling to breathe. I called an ambulance and they took him in. He stabilised very quickly and we were arranging lifts to figure out how to get him home when the hospital called and told me to go right away. I didn't get there in time.
That was Thursday. The house is silent for the first time ever and I'm totally lost. We got together when I was 18, I don't know how to be an adult without him. I don't think I even physically can.
Night times are the worst. I started getting horrific gut churning anxiety at night time in January but it's 5x worse now.