Back to back deaths and my whole world collapsed.

[DoAWheelie]

I'm not sure why I'm typing this really. I don't really have anyone else to talk to. Both me and my OH of 15 years had serious disabilities but they were complimentary. I could do the tasks that he couldn't do and he could do the ones I couldn't.

We had a simple life together, we didn't go out much as his doctor said COVID was too big a risk for him but we have had a wonderful time the last few years. Almost non stop talking and laughing from morning to night. My wonderful dad would visit 2-3 evenings a week picking up the slack on the one or two household tasks we couldn't do ourselves. They both loved to cook together and were best friends. The house was never quiet (not even when we were sleeping OH snored so loudly).

Out of nowhere dad died in January. One day we were planning on redoing my bedroom, he gave me a list of things to order from IKEA after he measured everything up. I called him to tell him the delivery date and go no answer. After hours of worried calling I got through to his housemate who broke into his room and found him dead in bed. He'd fallen asleep and just never woke up. He wasn't ill and was only 68 so it was a massive shock. The last two months have been very hard adjusting to life without him.

Monday night OH started struggling to breathe. I called an ambulance and they took him in. He stabilised very quickly and we were arranging lifts to figure out how to get him home when the hospital called and told me to go right away. I didn't get there in time.

That was Thursday. The house is silent for the first time ever and I'm totally lost. We got together when I was 18, I don't know how to be an adult without him. I don't think I even physically can.

Night times are the worst. I started getting horrific gut churning anxiety at night time in January but it's 5x worse now.

I'm so so sorry OP. 💔

This is beyond heartbreaking. Just adding to other posters to say I'm thinking of you.

This is so sad and your lovely descriptions were so real.

This probably won’t help, and I hope im
not being upsetting, but the relationship the three of you had sounds so completely beautiful, and many many people will never have experienced such loving, healthy, family interactions. In due course when the pain may have slightly reduced, I hope you can feel proud of the joy you all created and found together. It has touched me, and inspired me to be a more caring person.

So very sorry for your loss, OP ❤. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through. X

I am so very sorry. I lost my husband of 24 yrs three years ago. I'd already lost my parents a few years back. I remember screaming at the walls the first few months. Occasionally, I still do.

An older cousin told me that grief is like a burden which doesn't go away, but it feels lighter after a while and I've found that to be true. The gnawing fear still comes back, but I can cope better with it now and it doesn't seem to hit so hard or so often.

Thinking of you.

Just want to send you some love.! This situation is so grievous and cruel. I have no words. I will be thinking of you and hoping you can get through this first year of loss. Their memory will comfort you eventually, even though the loss hurts so now.

Just woke up in a blind panic. Realised it's the exact time last week that I was calling the ambulance. Two hours from now marks a week since I last saw him alive.

They wheeled him off just as I went to grab something from another room so I didn't even get a last hug/kiss.

Up until an hour before I called we were having a lovely evening. We'd been up late as we had a cold the week before and hadn't reset our sleeping patterns. We ordered a cheeky late night takeaway and were watching a funny YouTube video and chatting about it.

Suddenly he had a massive panic attack and started struggling to breathe. I called not long after.

The doctor later said the secondary chest infection had pushed his o2 saturation down to 60% and that's what was causing the panic. They gave him IV antibiotics and he was doing better.

I do have a family member staying for a few days but we are both ND in very opposite ways and clash a lot when it comes to emotional things. They have been great when it comes to practical stuff like keeping the cats fed and the dishes washed. I'm not sure I could talk irl even if I tried though I break down sobbing after 3 words and can't get anything out.

Finding it very hard to eat. Everything goes straight through me, even water. I tried to get help from social services a few years ago before OH lived here for help with practical stuff and after they assessment they wanted the majority of my disability benefits to pay for it. It didn't even leave enough for rent and bills so I had to turn the package down. So I don't know if I'll be able to get any practical support after a week or so from now. But that's next week's problem I guess.

Oh my gosh you poor thing.

Definitely don’t beat yourself up over clashing with your ND family member staying with you. Go very easy on both of you. You have my many condolences, you write so warmly of your dad and partner. Wishing you lots of love and hoping you get the practical supports you need for this challenging moment and for the future as well.

I'm just so sorry. This time is so tough but I hope you get some support. Could you contact your local church? I know if you contacted ours we would rally round.

I am so sorry. I don’t think I can write anything that will help. I’m glad someone is with you even if you clash a bit. You are going through so much all at once, too much. Keep using this space to write if it helps.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad and husband. I hope the loving memories of them can sustain you and keep you going.

Just adding my voice of support. I'm so very sorry hearing of your devastating losses. To lose such a happy and compatible set-up filled with love and caring for each other is horrendously tough. Sending love and sympathy.

Oh my dear, I'm so sorry for what has happened to you.

It's horrible feeling the physically ill side of grief on top of the shock and disbelief.
When my mum died a few months ago my system was a right mess.

From constant diarrhea to stomach pain. You must try to eat regularly if you can.

I'm out of words but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Xxx

Not sure where you are but turn to your local community for emotional support at least. Churches in particular can listen to you, perhaps not right now but you may just want to talk.

Call your local social services dept and request an urgent assessment, cite change of circumstances and tell them what has happened. Sooner rather than later as there will be a wait. As it's just you there may be some other help they can offer

My relative went home this morning so I'm on my own for the first time now.

Two of the cats seem to have figured out what happened. OH took a blanket from home into hospital with him and it stayed on him until 4 hours after he passed when I finally left. I brought it home and showed it to the cats. Two ran away but the other, the one he was most strongly bonded with instantly curled up on it and didn't move for four days.

One kept running away from me until I showered so I'm pretty sure those two understand from the smell on me/the blanket. The remaining one keeps doing all the "naughty" things that used to get him attention from OH like standing in front of the TV or jumping up on a shelf he's not meant to go on and then looking around hopefully.

Is there anything more I can do to help the cat understand? I know it seems a silly thing to be focusing on but it's heartbreaking seeing him try over and over and over to bring his daddy back.

That's sad about the cats. We used to have two, and when one died the other one definitely grieved for a while.

It's early days yet. I'm no cat expert but can you give the attention seeking one the same response he would have had from your partner? So he gets used to looking for attention from you instead?

But, how are you doing? ♥️

I'm so, so sorry for your losses.

The cats playing up sounds like a lovely distraction for a minute. Even if it's also heartbreaking.