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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

LOST DD AT FULL TERM

41 replies

joanie1 · 26/03/2008 19:59

Our beautiful daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks 3 months ago. We spent time with her after the birth, named her and had a lovely service before her burial. DH has been fantastic and we're coping as well as could be expected.

My problem is that I can't bring myself to say her name. When I try my throat closes over and I know I will break down. I've begun to talk about her birth in general terms, e.g. "after what happened", "since December", etc.

My worry is that maybe I'm not coping with things as well as I think I am. Am feeling anxious and upset and would really like to hear from anyone in a similar situation. Any advice from you wise women would be great!

OP posts:

Unfitmother · 26/03/2008 20:03

So sorry to hear of your loss.
It's been 9 years since I lost my son and I still catch my breath when I say his name.
It's very early days, to be 'coping' at this stage would be unusual.
Please take any help offered and consider contactings SANDS who I hear are very good.
Time doesn't heal completely but it does help.
All the best x

pedilia · 26/03/2008 20:07

So very sorry for the loss of your daughter, no advice really just wanted to add my support x

windygalestoday · 26/03/2008 20:07

our ds was born in 1993 he was very poorly and not expected to make it he did and hes fine-not a day goes past that i dont think of how he could have been and thank god ... i too find it hard to talk about 'those days' so for you it must be a million times worse im so sorry that you lost your baby and as a mum i have to say tht must be the worst thing ever.

im sorry xx

K20 · 26/03/2008 20:08

Joanie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, after three months of course this is still a very raw and emotional time, It took me a good few years to be able to say my sons name and two children later the pain still was at the surface. Try and get some counselling and for Gods sake avoid the SANDS site - it'll make you fell 10x worse. Keep posting, there are lots of us out here to talk to about this.

It would have been my sons 10th birthday today and because DS2 is ill this is the first year I haven't managed to get to his headstone. The biggest thing that helped me was spending a year raising money for Tommys, the baby charity and undertaking a charity challenge in his honour two years ago. Since then it has been much much easier since I actively did something to remember him.

nickytwotimes · 26/03/2008 20:09

for you joanie.
Thank God, I haven't gone through it myself, but a very close friend did last year. It is coming up to her little boy's anniversary so it is on my mind a lot atm.
I'm really sorry I can't offer any advice, but there are mners who've gone through the same thing who'll be along soon I'm sure. Have you tried having a wee look through the messages while you're waiting? As for not coping, well, it's the worst thing in the world and the fact you are still functioning on any level is testament to your ability to cope.

lilyloo · 26/03/2008 20:11

so sorry for your loss , you may be able to help feedmenow who suffered this only 3 weeks ago , her thread is here and there are lot's of others on there who have been through it too.

zippitippitoes · 26/03/2008 20:11

I'm sorry to hear of your sad loss....i can't say anything more but it is very early still..let yourself grieve as long as you need

constancereader · 26/03/2008 20:12

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Have you contacted SANDS?
I just wanted to add my sympathy and support XXX

happynappies · 26/03/2008 20:23

Hi Joanie - I'm so sorry to hear of your loss too. My good friend lost her dd at 39 weeks also in December. Everyone deals with grief in different ways - my friend's way of coping seems to be to talk about her little girl to as many people as will listen. I think a lot of people try to avoid the topic thinking it might upset her, but she obviously feels it helpful to talk things over, she is a Mum, she went through pg, gave birth, met her beautiful girl - why wouldn't she want to share that? (I'm not saying that you should - as I said to begin with, everyone is different and you shouldn't feel pressure to respond in a particular way... I'm just saying that my friend finds it helpful to talk but often finds it difficult because of the reaction of others). I guess some people feel uncomfortable about how exactly to help her, but I just told that I'd love to hear about her dd if and when she wanted to tell me. Have you got someone close to you who you can talk to? Don't worry about breaking down - or not. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' - it is how you feel at the time. It is very early days... I'm not surprised everything seems so raw. Go easy on yourself, and take your time. If now isn't the right time to talk about your daughter, maybe in the future you will want to. Sorry this is a bit garbled - I didn't want to ignore your post, but I realise that nothing I can say will help. I'm just so sorry to hear of what you're going through

Original poster

joanie1 · 26/03/2008 20:24

Thanks so much for your message K20.

It was looking at the SANDS website that started me worrying. The mothers there who have suffered similar losses seem so proud to post pictures of their babies, memorials, photos of their other children holding the baby, etc. I CANNOT RELATE TO THIS AT ALL. Think I just needed to hear that what I'm feeling is 'normal' (crap word, sorry).

So sorry about your DS - we had already decided to have a fund raiser every December so that we too can remember our child in a positive way.

Thanks for your advice and thanks to everyone else who responded so quickly.

OP posts:

Mum1369 · 26/03/2008 20:30

Hi. You sound like you are doing really well. Try not to be to worried about how you are coping. 3 months is really early days.
We lost our DD too, at just over 40 weeks - in 2004 (I have two DS now) - I didn't cope at all for the first 6mnths - I think the shock takes over for a long time.
I guess everyone is different but I found that I would talk about it with very specific friends - I felt a real need to talk about her, after all she is our daughter and always will be.I very much believe that she is a part of our family and need to reinforce that by talking about her.
But as you say, in the begining I was very much the same as you - I talked in very general terms and did find it very difficult(still do)to say her name.Over time talking about her does get easier.
I'm sorry - I'm not very eloquent and probably not putting this very well - what I want to say is that it doesn't matter whether you say her name or not, it doesn't matter whether you can say the words yet. It will come.
I found SANDS very helpful too.

Flynnie · 26/03/2008 20:35

Can't give any advice but wanted to add my support and sadness at your loss.

Prisma · 26/03/2008 20:40

Joanie1, I'm so sorry about what has happened to you and your lovely daughter. I had a termination at 22 weeks a few months ago as my baby was on the way to dying inside me. So, although I'm not in your exact position, I have an idea about where you might be emotionally after three months. Like you, I refer to it as something that happened last year. It's amazing how quickly things get back to normal and how you need that normality, but it does kind of hit you in surges I think, after the initial shock.

Even seven months down the line, I find I don't like spending too much time on my own as I start to dwell and get a bit depressed and anxious. I've kept myself busy with work and social distractions, but there is a sort of joylessness at the heart of my life right now - I feel like I had a clear path forward, and now I'm a bit 'on hold'. To lose a baby at full term must be a horrible horrible thing and I feel for you tremendously. You've been incredibly brave.

I don't know if I have any advice other than to keep yourself as positive as you can. Let yourself grieve, as it will help you move on. It helps to talk to other women who have been in a similar situation and that's what's great about this site.

I wish you all the very best

Mum1369 · 26/03/2008 20:42

Sorry , just read your last post. I feel that my daughters photos are very precious to me and as such anyone who I show them to, is very priviledged.They are intimate and personal and not something (i personally) would not want to share. Whilst I realsie this might help others - it really wasn't for me. This is your life, your daughter, you decide how you want to deal with it, no rights, no wrongs.

Mum1369 · 26/03/2008 20:46

Sorry - make that 'not something I would want to share'

Original poster

joanie1 · 26/03/2008 20:53

Prisma, so very sorry about your baby. I feel exactly the same, that everything is on hold. To have spent so much time planning and hoping to then lose everything is almost impossible to comprehend some days.

Mum1369 - hope I didn't upset you. I completely respect and admire the parents who want to share photos of their babies - I was just concerned that I DON'T seem able to do anything like this at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

joanie1 · 26/03/2008 20:58

Mum1369 - just saw you last post - thanks!

OP posts:

ClairePO · 26/03/2008 21:00

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss Joanie

Prisma · 26/03/2008 21:01

Joanie1, you're absolutely right it's an enormous loss - it's emotionally winding and then it's coming to terms not just with the loss of the baby, but the loss of the life you had planned around it. And physically, you've just been through a full term pregnancy which takes everything out of your body, drained you of nutrients and left you with nothing to show for it. Don't underestimate how brilliantly you've coped so far.

constancereader · 26/03/2008 21:23

joanie1 - I, like prisma, lost a baby at 21 weeks. I suggested SANDS as I found it helpful, but I was quite similar to you in that I did not feel demonstrative in the same way as many of the posters there. I did not share the photos of my baby. In fact it took my nearly a year to find it easy to even look at the photos myself. My ds wanted to share them much more than I did. Basically we all deal in different ways, and no way is right or wrong.

chelsygirl · 26/03/2008 21:28

so sorry joanie1, no advice as I haven't been through this, but just to let you know I'm thinking of you xx

orangehead · 26/03/2008 21:42

Im so sorry for your loss joannie.
A friend of mine lost her dd at 39+ weeks. She couldnt bring herself to say her name either. Everybody grieves in different ways, they is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Thinking of you and your dh, please be easy on you yourselfs and dont worry to much about how you coping

tomps · 02/04/2008 16:56

Joanie1 - Sorry you're having to go through this shitty time. My ds was stillborn at 42 weeks 3 years ago and I would just like to let you know that all the different feelings you have are normal, and that trite as it may sound it really does get easier with time. Mostly these days I can talk about it without crying (as long as people aren't too 'ah, poor you' - that always sets me off !) I'm very lucky as already had dd at the time (now aged 6) but it took a long time to 'get back to normal', and a very long time to even contemplate being pregnant again (now 32 weeks, hurrah, and it's not been as worrying as I expected). I didn't do SANDS but did find it helpful speaking to a counsellor for a few sessions, mostly to get things off my chest that I didn't want to even share with partner (lots of shame and guilt). So I really hope you find your way through this and that you're able to find what helps you and I wish you lots and lots of luck.

AmersG · 02/04/2008 21:03

Joanie1

I'm really sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my ds at 22 weeks last year. I never really got on with SANDS although I did meet the mother of the baby buried next to my ds on it though. I tend to post instead on iVillage on their late loss board - go to www.ivillage.co.uk then the message board section, pregnancy & baby and you'll find the 'Late Loss & Neonatal Death Support' board there - they have been a godsend to me as i'm able to post whatever I like and the chances are someone on there has gone through it. Do come over and visit us there.

I also saw a counsellor for about 5 months which was really helpful, I found it hard to talk to my dp about a lot of it since he seemed to move on much quicker than I did.

Henrietta · 02/04/2008 21:15

Friend lost 1 twin at full term (8yrs ago). still hurts now esp at birthdays but finds it easier to talk about now.
Sorry to hear of your loss
ALl the best

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