LOST DD AT FULL TERM

[joanie1]

Our beautiful daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks 3 months ago. We spent time with her after the birth, named her and had a lovely service before her burial. DH has been fantastic and we're coping as well as could be expected.

My problem is that I can't bring myself to say her name. When I try my throat closes over and I know I will break down. I've begun to talk about her birth in general terms, e.g. "after what happened", "since December", etc.

My worry is that maybe I'm not coping with things as well as I think I am. Am feeling anxious and upset and would really like to hear from anyone in a similar situation. Any advice from you wise women would be great!

aaw Joanie1

I am so sorry that you are having to suffer this terrible loss

I lost my little boy Fraser 4 years and trust me when I say you are in very very early days

just finding the strength to open yourself up on here is very brave

be gentle with yourself .. dont punish yourself for example for not being able to speak your daughters name

I know everyone is telling you this .. but it is soooo true that the pain will ease

you will find lots of comfort from other very lovley mummies on here

NO advice, just wnated to say sorry for your loss.
I do think, that you probably will need more time to come to terms with this all...just be gentle on yourself!

Hi Joanie,
I lost DS1 5 years ago now. And 3 months is still really early days. In fact I think I felt worse around then than earlier on. Once all the wellwishers had disappeared and gone back to their "normal" lives and I was alone (with DH but you know what I mean) just with thoughts of my baby boy and his memory box.

It took me a long time to be able to talk about him in more than general terms, then I went through a time of always talking about him, now I think I have reached a happy medium and can talk about him if asked. Or if appropriate (I am a GP and will often mention him if a patient has had a loss or if other doctors want advice on how to proceed with their patients).

Take care, it is a long road, but you aren't alone.

Hello Joanie

It is just over 9 years since my fist DS was stillborn at 39 weeks. Can't put into words the sadness and anxiety that followed. Went to a SANDS group but that made me 10 x times worse as I then realised that there are any number of ways a baby can die, this was not a comfort to me when I wanted to hear that it was unlikely to happen again.

I was very lucky that I had an exemplary health visitor who kept coming back and with whom it was safe to share my feelings but as for sharing feelings and especially photos with anyone else I would only do this if I trusted them to handle the subject with sensitivity and empathy. It has taken me a long time to say my sons name naturally without feeling sad, although even now I could cry about what happened.

I cried when I needed to and this was a release (felt lighter afterwards in some way), I went on plenty of long walks with my walkman on loud (loud music and one foot in front of another gets you into a trance and gives your mind a rest) and I grew my fringe very long so I others couldn't always tell if I had been crying. All sad coping techniques but they worked for me.

It took me a long time to feel that I was back in control of my emotions again. Even now there are some people with whom I simply would not discuss this part of my life but my DH and my two next DC all talk about him on a regular basis and he is as much a part of our family as the rest of us.

So my thoughts are with you, sending big {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

So sorry for the pain all of you have experienced. Can't thank you enough for taking the time to reply and share your feelings. Thanks x

This happened to a friend of mine and I felt terrible that I didn't know how to cope, trying to say the right words to her and her husband.

All I know is that children/babies that are taken at such an early age are VERY special.

Why are they taken, who knows but they are truly special.

My thoughts are with you all - I am so sorry for you loss but please try to look forward soon. They will NEVER be forgotten but time is a great healer.

Joanie, I'm so sorry your daughter died .
Everyone copes with the experience of stillbirth or neonatal death differently, and what is "right" is what is comfortable for you.
Rather than looking at the SANDS website, or the online forum they now have, you could ring and ask to speak to someone on their Helpline if you wanted some more reassurance that grieving your way is "OK". Through the support I got from SANDS I learned that for every person who finds solace in a memorial, tribute website, photos etc, there is another who manages their grief differently. Like your plans for a fundraiser, tbh I feel best remembering Tom by supporting SANDS' work and hopefully helping other bereaved parents a little.
I have three other friends whose babies died before or shortly after birth (not met through SANDS, they are all old friends). One talks about her son sometimes, the other two prefer not to. All of them are coping fine. All of them remember their babies with love. Don't doubt your own instincts. XXX

Hi Joanie

I'm so so sorry for your loss and I do hope you're doing ok. Your message really struck a chord with me as I've been through very similar recently. Its now 4 months since my dd was stillborn at 39 weeks.
I've also find that i never refer to her by her name - in fact it was my counsellor who first pointed that out to me. I've been over and over it in my mind as to why that is and i think it may be because we only named her after we knew she'd died and did so in a bit of a blur really. I still think of her as 'the baby' as that's what she was always called while i was pregnant and happy and those are the memories that i prefer to hold close.
Certainly what i've noticed is that everyone goes through this kind of thing in their own way and there's absolutely no right or wrong. I looked at the SANDS forum and wondered if there was something wrong with me because the last thing i could bring myself to do was to share her pictures with anyone. But really everyone just muddles through this horrible time as best they can so don't be hard on yourself

HTH

LJ xx

So sorry for your loss, anything I can do to help?.

Have you read the thread from Feedmenow, she is going through the same torture, (her daughter's funeral was earlier today)? You may be able to help each other get through this very difficult time.

It is 19 years since I lost my son and I still remember those dark days when I felt as though I was existing rather than living. I also remember that it was about 3 months after his funeral that I felt really down. This was maybe because everyone else (it seemed) was getting back to normal/moving on and I felt that I was the only one mourning. Even DH had his job and seemed to move on a lot quicker than me. I felt the need to talk about my DS a lot and would talk to anyone who would listen, although of course some people are easier to talk to than others. We also went on holiday, not exactly a joyous occasion but some respite which was very much needed at the time.

I hope you will feel able to share your feelings with your family and friends as well as on MN. There are a lot of bereaved mothers on here who will be only too pleased to help.

Hope this helps. Sorry if I worded it wrong, just want to help.

laurajo and dippymother thanks so much for responding. So very sorry for the loss of your daughter and your son.

I'm actually the opposite from you laurajo - we named our daughter very early on creating an identity for her which has made her loss, for us, all the more difficult. To say her name at the moment just reminds me of the little life she'll never have which some days is just more than I can comprehend. DH, friends and family are fantastic though and help keep me sane.

I know everyone has their own unique way of coping with the horror of losing a baby - just needed to know there were others out there who felt, like me, far too raw to share pictures and names and stories just yet.

Thanks x

sorry nothing to say to help, but so sorry for your loss

Joanie, I am so sorry for your loss and think that your feelings are completely natural. You need not say the name if you don't want to, but it must help for you to talk about your feelings. I hope you can talk about it with your dh.

A relative of mine, widow of my cousin, told me recently that she lost a dd at term 30+ years ago, but her husband could never speak of it. In those days it was not talked of, there was no funeral etc. I think it is better that these things are spoken of.

I'm so sorry for your loss joanie

Someone earlier mentioned feedmenow's thread for her daughter who was stillborn.

here is the link. I've been reading a lot of it as I know fmn from another thread. The women on there are so strong and courageous, and I hope you can find some help and support from them

i am so sorry for your loss, joanne.
please don't think that by not saying her name you are not honouring your little girl, that emotion is in your heart not your voice. perhaps in time you'll talk of her by name, perhaps you never will.
i had two ectopic pregnancies (so NOTHING by comparison to your loss) and i can say the word on here but even years later and having had dd i can only refer to 'that horrible thing that happened to us before' to friends and family. don't know why, but i know i didn't feel it any less. i'd see people talking about 'angel babies' on websites etc and just cringe at the thought. it helps some and not others, we're all different. so sorry again about your wee daughter.

very sorry for your loss have you got a counsellor? they aren't for everyone but it might help. can i ask if there was a reason for her being stillborn?

Joanie

Very sorry to hear of your loss. 3 months is no time at all... of course you are grieving. You have good advice here, but I just wanted to add my thoughts. xx