Loss of a mother at a young age

[GrownParent]

I'm new here and just looking to see if anyone can share their experience of losing a mum at a young age and how it has affected them going through life, relationships with their partner and children.

I lost my mum when I was 4 and I'm in my late forties now, I've never discussed this subject before and know very little about my mum having grown up at a time when some families just got on with life and feelings were ignored.

Interested if anyone else has had similar issues.

I lost my father when I was 5, in my thirties now. Same as you, approach seemed to be to get on with life, almost as if it never happened. The only rationalisation I can think for this approach is that it was a way to protect and not upset the children.

It’s something I’ve thought about throughout my life but even more so since I had my own DC. I cannot fathom them experiencing such a loss and never allowing them a safe space to talk and grieve.

No advice OP, but you’re not alone 💐

I lost my mum when I was 2. It completely changed my life trajectory. I have suffered immensely because of it. I think about her all the time. I am estranged from all my family owing to abuse and neglect. Deep down I have a sadness and loneliness that I will never get rid of.

💐

This is heartbreaking.

I lost my mum as a young teen. It hasn't had any significant effect on my life.

I lost mine in primary school. I would say the biggest impact has been:

Underlying sense of loneliness

shame and embarrassment of being different growing up

Never asking other for help as I have a morbid fear of being a burden - related to the feelings of shame (it makes people feel awkward when you announce you have a dead mum)

Lack of female role model leading to me feeling very “masculine” in my energy

Lack of understanding of who I am, where my traits come from. Lack of connection to my past, my lineage (hard to explain)

and since having my own DC, an abject fear of leaving them without me, that they should know the pain of grief before adulthood.

I never knew that losing a parent in childhood is considered a childhood trauma, she was here one day and gone the next, no one thought to help me cope, we just “got on with it”.

I wish I’d looked after my memories of her more carefully, I am angry that no one told me I’d forget them, otherwise I’d have kept some of her things, written down my memories, talked to her friends. I don’t have anything other than very few photos and the fact I look like her now I am the age she died.

Losing my mum also made me so resilient, so adverse to bullshit, I don’t sweat the small stuff and I never have. It made me tougher, deeper and more aware of life than most.

i could weep for the girl I was and my heart breaks for my mum, to go so young. It’s a very painful road to be on.

It's Time (itstimecharity.co.uk)

@Greatscottshesgotit I lost my mum suddenly when I was 14 and I identify with a lot of what you have said, thank you for verbalising so much that I have been unable to explain to others. Your comment about memories particularly resonates, I remember so little of her and I really wish I had known that was going to happen.

This rings true for me too. I would add:

Not being a burden - I can't ask for help with my own children. At the point where grandparents might help out, I need to do it all myself. I can't ask friends because it would reveal my lack of support and mark me out as 'other'. I am increasingly aware that my children are also missing out on a relationship with their grandparent.

I am detached from my wider family. I lost the link with them before I had an independent relationship and I haven't managed to rebuild it.

However, I do have a strong work ethic. I get stuff done because there will never be anyone to do it for me.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I really didn't know where I was going with this especially with it being such a distant memory and having never shared with a single sole my feelings/thoughts.

My childhood post the death of my mum was not one of physical abuse and I do not hold any grudges against anyone. My dad was an old school type of dad where contact was minimal unless I had done something wrong but he did take the time to teach me how a gentleman should treat a lady.

My dad remarried within a short space of time to a lady who had a couple of older children than me (they were good with me). this meant the family home was stripped of any reminders of my mum and her name was never mentioned again..... I didn't even see a picture of my mum until I was in my twenties and my only single memory of her was sitting on the end of her bed and watching her remove her hair (I now know she was having chemotherapy and it was a wig).

The step mum loved her own children but had zero interest in me, no support or hugs, simply clean clothes and an evening meal. (more than some got, i know)

I grew up with plenty of school friends feeling like a normal kid, but looking back now having the feelings that I was on my own if that makes sense?. I left home at 15.... just went out one day and never went back. I spent the next few years living here there and everywhere, doing anything to survive really including getting in plenty of trouble with the local village police.

Skipping a few years now into my late twenties I had met a girl (all very casual) and had started my own business which i was about to put my life and sole into, 7 days a week for the next 20 years...... nothing else mattered to me other than being able to have a home no one could take away from me, I think this came from not having somewhere to call home for a good portion of my teenage years.

My casual on off relationship which was off at the time resulted in a phone call informing me she was pregnant. I was in all honesty not someone who could look after myself correctly and the thought of children did not interest me at all, I was all about me versus the world alone.

After a couple of days dealing with the news I made the decision to stand by the lady and we would give things another go given we hadn't had a falling out, it was just not a very serious relationship (I didn't even know what one was).

The next 20 years went by and another child arrived, I was working all hours still out of fear of failing and being taken back to the days when I didn't have a home. My relationship felt like one of convenience rather than love and happiness and my relationship with the children looking back now was just making sure they had everything they needed materially rather than being a loving dad.

The relationship ran its course and the children have become young adults any parent would be proud of. I still talk with the ex and there is no bad feelings at all, looking back now I don't know how she put up with me for as long as she did. I wasn't a drinker or gambler, had no interest in other women, not violent or verbally aggressive, but emotionally empty.

The issues I can see now in myself are....

I feel awkward showing emotions even to my own children. uncomfortable even giving them a hug.

People/Friends only get one chance with me and I cut them out of my life at the drop of a hat even for minor things.

I don't feel like I have a single true friend in this world (yes my social media is full of them, but I mean true friends)

I do not look forward or excited about things most people would.

I don't think I am capable of loving anyone, friends, family, partner.

I cant communicate feelings to anyone, it makes me feel uncomfortable even trying (hence I am here hiding behind a screen)

So why did I make this post.... I am not looking for people to give me a hug or call me cold hearted or emotionally dead. I wanted to see if its just me and was my life mapped out when I lost my mum? or can I fix these issues? I also hope this may help any family who suffers the loss of a parent, especially a mother.

I lost my mum at a similar age. Nobody ever spoke about her again. Im now in my 40s and have started counseling to unlock all these thoughts and feelings relating to her death and my upbringing.

What I’ve realised is that the little girl that I was back then is very much still with me in everything that I do. I get overwhelmed easily, I suffer with anxiety (especially health anxiety; every little pain or ache is something major, in my mind, and I get scared of leaving my own DC), I crave attention and lack confidence.

As a pp pointed out, as a child without a mum, I felt great shame and embarrassment, I’m guessing because back in those days, it was never discussed. Nobody spoke about my mum at home and I never got any kind of help at school, which made me think it was something to hide. I’m only just beginning to be able to discuss my mum without crying.

I also feel loneliness despite having friends, a husband and kids. I’m locked in my own mind, though the counseling has started to help with this. What I would say is none of this can be “fixed”; it’s more a case of learning to accept what happened. Wishing you well- I totally get where you’re coming from!

I could've wrote this 😫. Lost my mum at 10. It has impacted my whole life x

I lost my dad at 6. A large part of my problems haven't been from not having a dad, but the effect it his death had on the whole family. My mum never got over it and suffered from complicated grief. A friend who not us ten years on thought he'd died that year due to how grief-stricken she was. My much older sister had always been jealous of me and this got worse when she left for uni when I was 8. She hated me having mum to myself and tried to refuse to let us have fun without her. She told my mum her life was over and bullied her ever since.

I became emotionally repressed. I mind the day after he died standing between them both, both sobbing and me not as I felt someone had to be strong. I was six. I tried to not to cause my mum any more hurt, so never had a teenage rebellion or tried to spread my wings. I let my mum treat me badly wrt my sister to make things easier for her.

I could go on. My relationship history is near non-existant. I am petrified of my sister and have little relationship with my mum. I have a daughter, but am petrified of dying and leaving her.

@ReginaFalange12 Sorry to hear that you went through similar. Wishing you all the best X

We lost our much loved daughter-in-law recently, my grandson turned one a short time after her death. My son is a really good Dad but my heart aches for this baby, that he has lost a wonderful Mother that loved him above all else. He is blissfully unaware at the moment and is surrounded by Grandparents that adore him but I am very conscious that he will feel the impact as he grows up.

❤️ thank you xx

One of my parents lost a parent as a teen.

Totally messed them up.

Other parent neglected them.

Never got any support.

Nowadays would be taken into care.

Tbh it really messed up their ability to be a parent. I'd definitely seek support to stop a cycle of pain.

@Hopealong So sorry to hear about your daughter in law. All I can say is that the best thing you can do for your grandson is to keep his mum’s memory alive and talk about her as he grows up. It’s the lack of acknowledging the death of a parent that causes the most problems. I’m sure there’s lots of support out there for you all at this hard time. Sending best wishes your way.

My mum died when I was two. I’m in my fifties now. My father remarried within a year to a woman who clearly hated kids. I had a physically and emotionally abusive childhood. It was really tough. I’ve always felt a huge hole. My older brother and I were never allowed to mention our mother or ask about her. My dad has photos of my mum that he’s always refused to hand over. I have a good marriage and two lovely now adult children. In that respect I consider myself lucky but I do feel sad for what I’ve missed out on.

Thank you and yes we intend to very much keep her memory alive.

My son is only 31 and I would hope that in time he meets someone else. Much as I think my son is a good judge of character though I know this will make me nervous. Read so many threads on here about people disliking their step-children and equally children having bad experiences with step-mothers.

That said I'm sure there are many step-mothers who love the children they bring up as if they were their own.

I lost my mum when I was 9 - nearly 10.

It has affected me massively in my adult life. OCD, Health anxiety, panic disorder, attachment issues.

A lot of my anxiety is now under control. I definitely need counselling but keep putting it off.

My memory of her is almost vanished, my mind blocks out all the memories. It also has a habit of blocking out bad situations happening now.

What we have all been through is a traumatic event. It needs to be treated as such x

I lost my Mum when I was 7, I was brought up by other family and I am now in my mid thirties. There were no pictures, videos or voice recordings of my Mum and I cannot remember what she looked or sounded like, however I took a picture of myself recently and realised that I recognised someone - my Mum. She was not much older than me now when she passed. I wouldn't say she was never spoken about, but she was talked about rarely and I know very little about her life.

How it impacted my childhood and early 20s:

• Mother's day things at school were a bit crap, everyone would make mother's day cards and I couldn't
• Children would ask about my Mum and adults would refer to the female relative as my Mum when we were out and about and it was awkward
• In my early 20s people might ask about my parents and there would always be great shock and sadness when they found out my Mum has passed. It was uncomfortable as it has been so long since she was in my life. This has eased off in the last 5 years as I've got a bit older
• Family my Mum was close to but the family members who brought me up weren't, disappeared from our lives, so lost many trusted adults. Trying to reconnect with them in my 20s was difficult.
• Feeling like a slightly awkward guest in the family I grew up in and that continuing in many social situations and work situations until I had a LOT of counselling.

How it has impacted me from my early 20s onwards:

• I am curious about my Mum and life she would have had had she lived
• I am desperate for any scrap of information about her
• Really missing that Mum and Daughter relationship

I don't have children but currently TTC, and I don't have a woman close enough to me to talk through the process with, and if I do get pregnant I'll not really be able to share that with someone in the same way.

There is one thing, that although I wouldn't say was a benefit or a positive, it is a difference I've noticed between my friends and I:

• As an adult I've not had the same worry about 'letting my Mum down' as some of my friends have, I've been able to be who I am and express myself as I like. I've also not had expectations of family events etc which has given me more freedom. Is it worth that loss of 'feeling of belonging' or my Mum missing almost every single significant event in my life? Probably not

I just want to add. The death of my Mum impacted my Brother a LOT more than me. He was a little older than I was and he absolutely adored her, he was probably her best friend. He never got over her death and passed away at 27 after years of struggling. If we had had a better family situation after she'd died it may have been different, but really and truly I doubt it.

Reading the stories here, I connect to so many of them

as a teen

I came to value security too much and stayed in familiar situations long after they stopped being good for me.

Sorry, I know this thread is a year old, but I’ve just come across it…
I lost my Mum at 10 and the loss has affected me all my life too, with chronic health anxiety.
I also seemed to have blocked out most memories of my life before the age of 10.
Do you think there is any way of unlocking these memories?

@Lovelylydia I'm so sorry you lost your Mum so young, you could try therapy where there is a specific part about unlocking old forgotten memories, I'm sure there are ways to tap into things we have long forgotten. I would steer clear of hypnotherapists though as I think they might claim to be able to help but just be after your money.