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Original poster

Loss of a mother at a young age

34 replies

GrownParent · 01/02/2024 16:00

I'm new here and just looking to see if anyone can share their experience of losing a mum at a young age and how it has affected them going through life, relationships with their partner and children.

I lost my mum when I was 4 and I'm in my late forties now, I've never discussed this subject before and know very little about my mum having grown up at a time when some families just got on with life and feelings were ignored.

Interested if anyone else has had similar issues.

OP posts:
memoriesofmum · 19/02/2025 22:53

My mum died suddenly 32 years ago today. I was 10.

Nobody seems to have remembered. Or if they have, they haven't said.

But I remember like it was yesterday.

I could text my younger brother, but I think he finds it even harder than I do. He was with her.

My dad died two years later. Well, stepdad. But nobody had admitted that to me at that point.

Anyway, just wanted to post for my mum today.

Love you and miss you, Mum ❤️

KylieKangaroo · 20/02/2025 13:11

@memoriesofmum I'm so sorry that's far too young to lose your wonderful Mum 💚 do you remember much about what she was like and do you have any of her qualities?

icelolly12 · 20/02/2025 18:31

I lost mine in my teens. It has massively impacted me and my life.

  • Sadness she will never see (insert any significant life event/moment/celebration here) I remember a real hole on things like my graduation ceremony.
  • Mothers Day as a teen was horrific when friends would go on about what they'd buy their Mums and I'd be in desperate pain but not show it externally.
  • A constant underlying ball of sadness and loss that will never go away, and more intense moments of pain that crop up daily
  • A feeling of always being aware that something awful may happen around the corner
  • Panicking over other loved ones e.g. if I don't hear from them I'll literally assume they're dead.
  • Massive attachment issues with relationships- scared to get close as assume I will lose them and feel that pain so avoid getting close to people
  • Wishing I had her here to talk through problems, to see the positive things I do, to cry to about difficult situations- relationship breakdowns etc.
  • Changed my personality - I was incredibly sensitive and got upset so easily as a child, I'd be distraught seeing someone in pain for example, whereas now I am a lot colder and have no interest in listening to people moaning about non issues.
  • Highly independent, I can't rely on anyone but myself as they may not be here forever.
KylieKangaroo · 20/02/2025 18:53

@icelolly12 that sounds so tough and sorry that it's shaped your life in such a way, it's so hard isn't it and doesn't seem fair. My Mum was a teenager when she lost her own Mum and I think it changed her life too, she had huge health anxiety which I think stems back to losing her Mum so young.

Titasaducksarse · 20/02/2025 18:59

I lost my Dad at 4 months old. I still struggle.

Gonewiththesun · 20/02/2025 19:02

Greatscottshesgotit · 01/02/2024 23:24

I lost mine in primary school. I would say the biggest impact has been:

Underlying sense of loneliness

shame and embarrassment of being different growing up

Never asking other for help as I have a morbid fear of being a burden - related to the feelings of shame (it makes people feel awkward when you announce you have a dead mum)

Lack of female role model leading to me feeling very “masculine” in my energy

Lack of understanding of who I am, where my traits come from. Lack of connection to my past, my lineage (hard to explain)

and since having my own DC, an abject fear of leaving them without me, that they should know the pain of grief before adulthood.

I never knew that losing a parent in childhood is considered a childhood trauma, she was here one day and gone the next, no one thought to help me cope, we just “got on with it”.

I wish I’d looked after my memories of her more carefully, I am angry that no one told me I’d forget them, otherwise I’d have kept some of her things, written down my memories, talked to her friends. I don’t have anything other than very few photos and the fact I look like her now I am the age she died.

Losing my mum also made me so resilient, so adverse to bullshit, I don’t sweat the small stuff and I never have. It made me tougher, deeper and more aware of life than most.

i could weep for the girl I was and my heart breaks for my mum, to go so young. It’s a very painful road to be on.

💐💐💐 Your Mum would be so proud of the strong beautiful woman you have turned out to be.

Lovelylydia · 21/02/2025 23:39

memoriesofmum · 19/02/2025 22:53

My mum died suddenly 32 years ago today. I was 10.

Nobody seems to have remembered. Or if they have, they haven't said.

But I remember like it was yesterday.

I could text my younger brother, but I think he finds it even harder than I do. He was with her.

My dad died two years later. Well, stepdad. But nobody had admitted that to me at that point.

Anyway, just wanted to post for my mum today.

Love you and miss you, Mum ❤️

How lovely to post in memory of your Mum ❤️
My Mum died 49 years ago when I was also 10. The feelings of being different have never gone away. My younger brother finds it very difficult to acknowledge her at all 😞

Lovelylydia · 21/02/2025 23:50

icelolly12 · 20/02/2025 18:31

I lost mine in my teens. It has massively impacted me and my life.

  • Sadness she will never see (insert any significant life event/moment/celebration here) I remember a real hole on things like my graduation ceremony.
  • Mothers Day as a teen was horrific when friends would go on about what they'd buy their Mums and I'd be in desperate pain but not show it externally.
  • A constant underlying ball of sadness and loss that will never go away, and more intense moments of pain that crop up daily
  • A feeling of always being aware that something awful may happen around the corner
  • Panicking over other loved ones e.g. if I don't hear from them I'll literally assume they're dead.
  • Massive attachment issues with relationships- scared to get close as assume I will lose them and feel that pain so avoid getting close to people
  • Wishing I had her here to talk through problems, to see the positive things I do, to cry to about difficult situations- relationship breakdowns etc.
  • Changed my personality - I was incredibly sensitive and got upset so easily as a child, I'd be distraught seeing someone in pain for example, whereas now I am a lot colder and have no interest in listening to people moaning about non issues.
  • Highly independent, I can't rely on anyone but myself as they may not be here forever.
Edited

The impact is so huge and I can relate to a lot of what you have mentioned. Especially the feeling that tragedy is just around the corner. If you can lose your mum as a young child, then anything is possible.
For decades, if I saw an ambulance I would panic that it was going to my Dad. After Dad died the fear transferred to losing my DH.
I lost my mum when I was 10, almost 50 years ago.
I still find Mother’s Day difficult
It’s only in recent years that I realise how much my mum dying has shaped my life.

Goosegoosedick · 27/02/2025 22:45

This thread has been eye opening, I really thought I was alone in how my Mum’s death was never really mentioned again after it happened and I was expected to just “get on with it” with no emotional support. It’s only with a lot of counselling as an adult 30 years later that I have been able to understand the amount of damage that has caused throughout my life.

A huge amount of love sent to everyone on this thread, we’ve all been through too much. I still miss my Mum every day and like to believe that she’s looking over me, supporting and protecting me, just like she did when she was alive.

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