Can’t continue like this- sudden and unexpected death ***MNHQ adding content warning for graphic description***

[Purpleshadows]

Just the title, really. Why is this so bloody hard nearly 6 months on? Really appreciate what everyone on here is going through, and my thoughts are with you all.

All I think about everyday is the awful smell of the funeral home and being confronted with a sunken, stiff and yellow corpse in the chapel of rest. Was told by others that the above would make the grieving process easier, instead it has done the opposite and given me dreadful PTSD……. Was made 100% worse by the fact that I was in England, thousands of miles from home in Australia. A completely unexpected death in someone young too (heart attack), with absolutely no cardiac issues. Cannot stop thinking about the what if’s- guilt and trauma are driving me crazy. Can’t go past the funeral home or crematorium as I’ll start to panic. Started to get a whiff of the funeral home when I was at a florist recently (something to do with flowers, perhaps?) and it threw me into a state of despair.

Not sure why I’m posting this, but hoping others might be able to share some pearls of wisdom? When the hell will I start to feel normal again?!

That's awful, it must be terribly hard to deal with day-by-day
I don't think you are just going to feel normal, I think you need some support to move through this
Have you spoken to a doctor?

Thanks Tillly for your reply. Yes I’ve spoken to the GP, they’ve given me antidepressants… and talking therapy. None of those seem to be working particularly well but will stick with it. Wish this would all go away….

Please do stick with it. It's got to be better than nothing. You can and will get through this

Has your GP reviewed the meds / dosage?

Am no expert, but are you doing the basics - getting a walk in the fresh air each day, drinking plenty of water and so on?

Keep taking it day by day. It changes but doesn't leave and some days are better that others. I found between 8 and 9 months suddenly I was crying less and could function a little better. It is so hard and you never know what will set you off. 💐

Thank you so much @reelcat so true about not knowing what will set you off. I’m sorry about your loss too, it’s bloody awful isn’t it. Do you feel much better now, or does it still come in waves?

Sorry for your loss. Have you reached out to the charity cardiac risk in the young? They offer peer mentoring to families where someone young (under 35) has died of a heart condition.

@Purpleshadows it hasn't quite been a year and it still comes in waves. I think about her constantly but although I still can't always think of the good times and have flashbacks of when it happened I am able to cope with them better than I could. I know it will never go away and want a cuddle from her so badly but the acceptance has crept in and is there for the most part. Day by day. Sending hugs xxx

I walked in to my sister's room to find she'd died in the night - she was 68 but that didn't make the shock any less. It was 6 years ago and I only really let go of the picture of her in the bed by confronting the fact that she'd gone and grieving for the actual loss. I'm really sorry, but hopefully it will get easier with time.

EMDR with a well trained therapist can be helpful for dealing with trauma.
but honestly grief is not linear, it’s natural to find it hard and if you can cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself.
in time it will become more manageable and don’t feel ashamed of getting help.
i lost my dad and close friend both young and in one case sudden and it could just floor me sometimes.

Oh I’m so sorry. Completely know what you are going through. That’s wonderful you’re able to cope a little better with time. Sending you so much love 💐

sorry to hear that, must have been an awful shock for you. Yes I completely agree with you re having that last (dreadful) picture of loved one stuck in your mind. It’s so hard to get rid of as you must know. Even worse is when the death is so unexpected. Thanks for sharing your experience 💐

@PurpleShadows CRUSE is a non-profit making bereavement counselling service in the U.K.

You will probably be better seeking counselling with them as they specialise in bereavement only.

It's a free service, though donations are much welcomed.

It helped me immensely when I lost my husband unexpectedly nearly 6 years ago.

There are no rules or time-limit to grieving. Its personal to each person.

Here is the link

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/

@MsAnnFrope thank you for the suggestion. Do you have any experiences with EMDR? From googling it seems like a good method. Completely agree re being floored, you’ve hit the nail on the head with that one. It’s awful losing a parent young… are you coping okay now? Sorry for your loss.

@Purpleshadows I held my partners (of only 5 years) hand as he took his last breaths in hospital 15 months ago and the grief definitely comes in waves. Today and yesterday it's hit me again but for 2 months I've been fine. I hadn't seen him for 4 months before he died (his choice as he had moved 2 hours away for a fresh/new start and to conquer his problems) but had planned to meet soon. He was admitted to hospital 10 days before he died and I wasn't allowed to see him (his brothers suggested it would be a bad idea) so only saw him when he was on EOL care. I'm so blessed and lucky to have been able to sit with him for those final 5 hours and tell him that I had never stopped loving him and was so sorry for not being able to help him over the preceding 2 years. The guilt has been as hard to deal with as the grief tbh.

You have my deepest sympathies and so many hugs for what you're going through

@Purpleshadows I only know about EMDR professionally from work in NHS service. I’ve had a lot of therapy but not that! I do know it can be incredibly useful for breaking through ingrained trauma responses. The people I know working in it also use compassion focused therapy. As with any therapy check that the person you are working with is accredited.
thank you for asking how I am now, mostly good. It’s been a long time and as I said I’ve had a lot of therapy! I did find certain things really set me off, like the smell of hospitals and lilies (helpfully referred to by my mum as death flowers) but that has now faded.

I totally get you. I had a horrible experience of the chapel of rest after visiting my grandma when I was 14. It certainly didn’t help and I do think it traumatised me and my mum was so distraught with her own grief she didn’t notice but I struggled for some time with that image. Even now when I drive past a funeral directors I feel like I’m back in the room. That said when my dad passed I was desperate to go and see him, despite saying I’d never go again. This time it was so different, obviously so hard but he looked so peaceful and it helped me a lot. I’d see if you can seek some therapy. The smell of flowers always reminds me of my dad’s loss as we received so many flowers. Lots of love, it takes a long time, be kind to yourself

oh @blobby10 this is heartbreaking… so sorry. Hope things will get better for you and the guilt slowly starts to fade. Totally get what you mean re guilt being as difficult as grief. It’s so difficult not to be guilty in such circumstances. Sending lots of love and hugs your way too- thanks for sharing your story. 💐

thanks for your insight- that’s great you are doing well now. Couldn’t agree more re Lillies and hospital smells. Thought it was just me! The smell of Lillies makes me want to be sick. No idea why the funeral home smellt so strongly of lillies- I will never forget the smell of that place.. It’s so true them being death flowers!

Did it take a long time to break the association between hospital and Lilly smells with grief? This is one of the main things worrying me at the moment. Thanks so much for your insight, it’s been very helpful

Thanks for sharing your experience @Zanatdy Glad to know I’m not the only one with a bad experience

You poor thing, I hope you have healed from that experience. It’s so difficult doing it as an adult, let alone at 14. It’s awful when people say they look asleep etc. when quite clearly it’s not much like that at all. So totally get you with struggling with the image for ages though… like how on earth do you get that snapshot out of your brain (?!) that’s great it was better the second time around, sounds like a really comforting and nicer experience.

If you don’t mind me asking, How long did it take you to stop seeing those images?

Sorry for your loss, it’s so difficult to lose a father 💐

Try EMDR.

I am sorry for your loss@Purpleshadows and really feel for what you are experiencing at this stage in your grief.

I experienced a very traumatic loss of my DH years ago, compounded by the equally traumatic loss of my DF 5 nonths later. Both died in awful accidents.

I totally understand your ‘can’t continue like this’ feelings and want to try and reassure you it won’t always be like it is now.

In my experience you are currently working through a grief cycle, that will continue for some time, with each wave becoming slightly softer and easier until your mind has totally processed your loss.

I also saw my DP after his death and bitterly regretted doing so, I still do. But for many people that experience is necessary to actually be able to start to process that their loved one has gone. Ditto, the smell of Lilies. I had them in my wedding bouquet but now cannot bear them anywhere near me. However I now understand that that is just mind finding something in the whole loss scenario to focus on and rail against.

Please know, you won’t always feel like you do now.

Many, little things helped me through my grieving process. Firstly I turned to the book ‘On grief and grieving by Elizabeth Kubler Ross’ it made me realise that what I was experiencing was OK, it was a process and wouldn’t last forever.

I then also decided to go with the process and not fight it. If I wanted to cry I cried and I really didn’t care what other people thought. I cried on buses, in shops lit up for Christmas and at work. I also took the advice of a very dear friend to be kind to myself. If I didn’t want to see or talk to people I made excuses and left, I ate what I wanted, went where I wanted and talked endlessly (sometimes to myself 😂🤣) about what had happened.

The grief came in waves. The first year was tough, especially the anniversaries. On each one I bought myself a little treat from DH and DF. Two years in I went on holiday alone. Year 3, I moved house, half way across the country to be closer to family, but leaving behind many friends and a job I loved. So it went on, each year a building block in the new life I wax creating

I am now 18 years on. There were times when I made mistakes, hideous forrays into internet dating encouraged by friends who worried about my single status, new jobs I didn’t like, a house project that threatened to overwhelm me, but always I carried the ‘the be kind to yourself’ mantra.

I think about my DH, DF and DM who died several years later, every day, but in a really soft way. I smile at their photo when walking past or occasionally recall a happy monent we shared. I start when their favourite track comes on the radio, or when soneone walks past wearing their aftershave or perfume. If I remember something less positive or smell those damn Lillies, it is a fleeting moment and I refkect on the completeness of the life we shared together.

So hang in there. You are working through a process and will come through this time, in your own time. I ofen reflect that my DH and DD wouldn’t know me now. I am so much stronger and ballsier when it comes to life, but I am also much more empathetic and try hard to also be kinder to everyone I now live this part of my life with.

Keep going, one step at a time, be kind to yourself and have faith that eventually this period will all be a gentle memory in your new life.

Apologies for the typos. I wrote this in bed without my glasses, now I am up I see typos that I swear weren’t there originally 😂🤣

Second EMDR, talking therapy is not appropriate for PTSD.

i don’t love the smell now but it doesn’t give me that visceral trauma response anymore. I’d really look into EMDR for the traumatic response to certain things.
but otherwise allow yourself to feel the grief you feel, acknowledging and sitting with the feelings of loss and sadness and also acknowledging they won’t last forever really helped me. Much more than trying to push the feelings down or drown them out.

from my experience it does get easier, I found subsequent losses took me back to a hard place but I really can think of my dad with happiness and gratitude now that I had him in my life.
take lots of care

@Tremblingmadness your sharing of your experience is really powerful. I’m so glad you can think of your loved ones with happiness now.