Viewing a body

[Changeforthis79]

I'm supposed to be going to see my partner who died on 10th December this week or early next week and I'm worried. He has been embalmed and the funeral home said he wouldn't be ready till this week but have I left it too late? I'm going to call them tomorrow but just need advice.

Personally I wouldn't, that image will stay in your mind forever.

I’m sorry for your loss. I hadn’t read through the thread so someone else may have suggested this but you can go and see him and have the coffin closed.

I found this helpful.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the shocking circumstances of your DP's death.

I wonder if you have someone close who you trust? Could they go with you and view first? So if there is something they think might distress you, they can prepare you? Or advise you?

Hopefully viewing him in less shocking circumstances will help remove that traumatic picture

Really sorry. There aren’t any good enough words for these situations.

Regarding going to see him, the purpose of embalming and all the other stuff the funeral home does is to make them look more like themselves and to preserve the body for a reasonable amount of time. Nothing can make him alive again but you’ll see someone not looking awful but probably passed away enough to give you closure, which sounds exactly what you need. If he’s been embalmed professionally a week isn’t going to make any difference. He’ll be made up, hopefully dressed in some nicer clothes. The funeral home people know their jobs. Nothing can make it easier, I’m so sorry, but it sounds like you need both the closure and a final image of him resting which they will have created.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I can understand your reservations. I lost my partner young & in traumatic circumstances. I did go to sit by his coffin to see him at peace. It gave me a chance to talk to him and kiss him one last time. I think closure is important. As a year or two passed, I no longer thought of him in his coffin, but of the person he was. Sending you love. I hope you have people supporting you x

Sorry for you loss @Changeforthis79, I lost my husband on 2nd December after a distressing few weeks in a hospice. He too was young, 50’s, I didn’t go view the body as I’d spent so much time with him prior to his death, and was still traumatised.
im sending you love and hope you have people around you x

That’s what I’m thinking. The op seems to be hoping to see something which almost definitely isn’t going to be there. I’m sorry for your loss op x

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss x

I saw both my grandparents like this, it's normal for us, but typically now (not in the UK) you only 'get' to see the body earlier in the day before the funeral. I thought it was helpful for closure, although in my case it was a difference between having last seen them alive, so different from you.

Although we bury much earlier; the time between death and burial that I often hear of in the UK seems very long to me - everyone I know who died was buried within a week, typically only a few days. I know that when my father's grandmother died, they just kept her body at home, but even then, my mother, from another part of the country, found this odd.

I just wanted to add reassurance that the funeral director wouldn't allow you to see him if they felt too much time had passed for it to be upsetting in that sense.
My F died and wasn't found for a couple of days. It then took the authorities 2 weeks to track me down and another few days to get him transferred to the funeral director. His body deteriorated more quickly that would be usual as a result, so he would have undergone a lot of changes. Due to the way he would disappear for months on end before popping up unexpectedly and how he was always abusive when he was in my life, I felt very strongly I needed to see him to feel convinced he really was gone and expel the feeling of tenterhooks of when he would turn up next. The funeral director gave a hard no to visiting even with the circumstances explained. I still have moments over 5 years on of thinking he'll show up suddenly.
I saw DM, in contrast, at the funeral directors when she died (a few years before F) and wish I hadn't needed to. I went because noone else would, and I believed someone should go to ensure everything was as it should be and she'd been properly cared for. She looked like a wax work version of almost-herself, and definitely gone. I don't regret it and would do it again in the circumstances, but wish it hadn't had to be me. I was with her when she died, so I hadn't needed closure.

I think in your situation, I would go. He will be looking much more peaceful and it is a chance to be left with a better final image than the one you currently have. I'm sorry for your loss, it must be such a shock too.

This explains perfectly how I felt when I went to see my MIL.

She had been unwell in hospital for a week but her death was very unexpected. Due to the nature of her illness watching her decline in hospital had been very hard.

I thought it would do me good to see her in the funeral home, at peace and no longer suffering, but I had no emotional reaction to it at all.

She wasn’t the MIL I knew, and she was just like the empty crisp packet you describe.

It looked like her….but there was just nothing there. She didn’t seem real.

My husband however got a lot from seeing her and was always glad he went.

I’m very sorry for your loss OP and everyone else on this thread who has had to make this difficult decision.

It's a very personal choice and there is no right/wrong answer so please try to accept that whichever decision you make it is correct for you.

The funeral director won't let you view the body if they feel too much time has passed/that the changes will distress you.

When my grandma died one sibling chose to view the body along with my parent as they hadn't seen her for a few months. I chose not to, I've never regretted that choice. When we lost my mum none of us viewed the body; we were with her when she died and saw the changes in her body even in the few hours before the undertaker arrived and it meant none of us wanted to experience any further changes. That's also been enough for me to be pretty sure I wouldn't view any other body. But again - it's so personal.

I wish you well whatever you decide and hope it brings you peace

I lost my beautiful mum and wanted to go view her at the chapel of rest because I found her deceased and I didn't want the last image of her in the state I found her.
I really wish I hadn't gone ,she looked nothing like my mum and it only made my trauma worse.
Everyone is different so my advice to you is do what makes you feel better x
Sorry for your loss

Hope it works out for you to give comfort or closure. I spent time with my LTP after a traumatic unexpected death. I found it terrifying but it did eventually help to accept and when talking to our children I was able to say he looked peaceful. Seeing my DM was totally different, although she was in hospice care and very ill I still found it almost unbelievable to accept she'd died. I didn't think I would, I felt prepared and had said goodbye but seeing her body was traumatic. It triggered something and I started falling apart although I was so glad for her she was out of pain. I suppose I don't know if I ever got my head round it and don't know why to this day. I'd go with your instinct but whatever your feeling try to remember them as they were in life.

Would someone you trust be able to go and see him first and honestly advise whether they think you should go or not.

This could be an excellent safeguard/solution. I would absolutely do this for a close family member or friend too, if asked.

Sorry for your loss op
I would go, but take someone you love with you who could either go in with you then wait outside so you have some time or just be there outside.
My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly during covid, it broke my heart and blindsided me, I had to see her I didn't believe it was real.
Honestly, in hindsight I'm not sure it was the right thing as it's the last vision I see every night before I close my eyes. But I wanted to touch her and hold her one last time and that was my only shitty option.
grief is so so hard I hope you have support

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I went to see my mum last year when she died and found it a very calming experience. I wasn’t with her when she died and I needed that closure.
She looked at peace and how she was before she became ill. She was in a beautiful wicker coffin and it felt that she was being hugged.
However I agree with others and she wasn’t there, the body was an empty shell. I found comfort in this but I can understand why it would upset people. I spent a long time with her, talking and crying and I’ll never forget or regret that time.
The only jarring moment was when I kissed her goodbye and she was cold. I knew that she would be but it still shocked me.
Sending my well wishes for the coming weeks and months

It was the coldness that really shocked me too.
Obviously I knew she was going to be cold but I wasn't expecting her to be as cold as ice .

I used to work in an undertakers, and they will be very used to all of this. I would ask them their opinion, and like a PP suggested, see if a friend or relative will go first to check for you. But if they felt it would be distressing in any way, they wouldn't advise a viewing at all. After a while, a body looks sort of waxy and there's no visible sign of the person that they were - but it can still be comforting.

I sat with my Dad when he was dying, and then for a few hours afterwards. He looked so perfectly asleep after an awful last week before he died, and it gave me a huge sense of peace. My sister couldn't do it though, and didn't want to see him.

There's no right or wrong. And I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I'm so very sorry for your loss too.

The funeral home will tell you if they think you shouldn't view. If they thought so, they would probably have called and cancelled your appointment when they did the embalming.

When my cousins baby passed, they let the mum visit every day with a cold cot until they said its probably best not to from now on (it was a good 2-3 weeks until the funeral iirc, after the hospital released his body, as they had their own tests and post mortem to do due to his age.

My partner passed away from cancer in 2016. He was only 59, I was with him his last days in hospital and was there when he died, but seeing him for the final time in his coffin gave me peace and time to say goodbye.

My husband passed away suddenly in July , he was only 51 . I never went to see him because I didn’t want that to be the last image in my head . The guy from the undertakers said to me if you’re 50/50 then I would advise not to see him . When I think of him now I think of him laughing and his happy smile x

I'm sorry for your loss.

You don't have to do it if you don't want to. My dad recently died and most the family visited him and I didn't because I don't want that memory

Firstly @Changeforthis79 I’m sorry for your loss . I’m a retired nurse so lots of experience with the deceased . My dad died very suddenly aged 51 and I wanted to see him in the funeral home , it was a massive error on my part and I compounded the error by going again the night before the funeral as I felt the need to check something - another massive mistake . For those saying undertakers won’t let you see them if they look bad , that is not true . We had friends around at Christmas who told us an absolute horror story . Best wishes whatever you decide 💐