Viewing a body

[Changeforthis79]

I'm supposed to be going to see my partner who died on 10th December this week or early next week and I'm worried. He has been embalmed and the funeral home said he wouldn't be ready till this week but have I left it too late? I'm going to call them tomorrow but just need advice.

First of all, I’m so very sorry for your loss. If the funeral home said that he wouldn’t be ready til this week then I think it should be ok. Ringing them first is probably the best idea though.
Are you worried about seeing him? You absolutely don’t have to if you don’t want to.
My husband died nearly 8 years ago - I wasn’t with him when it happened, it was very sudden. I felt I needed to see him as I was finding it hard to believe. Once I did, I could accept he was gone. And he really was gone - it looked like him, but not him. It wasn’t scary in any way, but I can’t say it was particularly comforting either. I just felt “oh he’s definitely dead, I can see that now”, and I suppose that maybe helped me to start to process it, and all the feelings that go along with loss and grief.
He is the only person I have ever gone to see, when my dad died he’d been ill for a long time, was old, and I had spent hours and hours sitting with him until he passed. I didn’t need to see him after as I totally understood he was gone, and I’d said goodbye already.
A very long way of saying there’s no wrong or right, you must do whatever you feel you want to. You can take a friend or family member to the funeral home if you want - they don’t have to come into the room with you, but would be there for you after.
Again, I’m so very sorry x

I'm so sorry for your loss .

If they've said he's ready for viewing it should be fine , it might give you some closure before the funeral.

Again I'm so sorry love . X

Oh thankyou for your replies, it's very late! I found him dead and it was extremely traumatic so I'm just hanging my hopes on seeing him look more normal for closure, I do realise no one can really tell me until I call tommorow

Oh god I'm so sorry . He will look different to how you found him - he'll look asleep and at peace - I think under these circumstances you do need to see him one last time - I can't tell you how sorry I am , but take the opportunity to see him at rest . It might help later down the line . Much love x

Thankyou that's what I'm hoping for, when I found him (young, completely unexpected death) he was dark grey and his mouth was open. I just want that image out of my head, it was awful

I didn’t go and see my dad who passed away in September as I really didn’t want to but my aunt and uncle did and they said he looked more like he did before he got ill… and at peace- they found comfort in it.

Im so sorry for your loss x x

Thankyou so much, I'm sorry for your loss too ❤

@Changeforthis79 I've just seen you on the still up thread but wanted to say how sorry I am again.

It sounds like you need to see him.

My son died 4 years ago, and I didn't go to view him. I was with him when he died and didn't need to go again. However my younger son wasn't with him when he died, and needed to see him.

My husband took him and it helped him a lot.

Whatever you decide will be the right decision for you.

So very sorry for your loss, what an awful shock for you.

I just wanted to say if you tell the funeral directors your concerns, in my experience they are very kind and can advise on this. I saw a relative a few days after they passed away, and then felt I needed to see them again a few more days after that. The funeral director assured me they still looked peaceful, and they did.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly and I was able to see him at the coroner’s mortuary 5 days later and then at the funeral home two weeks later. I hadn’t seen him for about a month before he died and I felt I needed to see him. It was a visceral thing and I have no regrets about seeing him. It was a traumatic death which meant he couldn’t be embalmed because of his injuries. He had a bit of stubble and was very pale but otherwise he looked exactly like him. The thing that surprised me most was that he wasn’t wearing the suit I had asked him to be dressed in and I hadn’t been told beforehand. He was in a shroud that looked a bit like an old fashioned nightie which he would have hated! If you have someone who could go with you who could look first and then explain what the room looks like etc that might be helpful. Or perhaps the staff member who meets you could tell you. It didn’t occur to me to ask at the funeral home but the mortuary assistant had explained everything as that was quite complicated. Whatever you do there is no right or wrong. Please be kind to yourself.

I had to go identify my mother's body a month ago. I second PPs, it was not horrible, if anything reassuring. You don't have to though, I assume? I had to for ID purposes. I just reminded myself that I could never be afraid of someone I loved so much

That's so much worse, your son, I cannot imagine, thankyou for your kind words and I'm so sorry

I went to see my elderly father at the funeral directors after he died at home very suddenly. My husband and DD both advised me to think very carefully about it, but I was insistent I wanted to say goodbye to him and wanted to hold his hand and talk to him.

However, I had never seen a dead body before and it deeply unnerved me. He looked very different, his face sunken, no tone or expression. They had dressed him and lit candles. His skin looked odd. It was shocking and I asked to leave immediately without a goodbye as it seemed not to be really him. He was completely absent.

It might be different for you, but I do wish I hadn’t that last memory of him in my memory, so wanted to share to prepare you in case you find it hard.
On a more positive note, DF’s funeral was absolutely amazing, beautiful and meaningful in so many ways.

Thanks guys you've been very comforting, I guess all I can do is try and get some sleep, ring tommorow and hope for the best. I just feel I was burying my head in the sand over Christmas/New Year and I should have gone sooner x

Op don't berate yourself for not going sooner - do this when you're ready . It's such a difficult thing to do . My sister died in a car accident and I was advised not to go to see her / I've no idea if that was right or wrong .

In your shoes - I'd go .

I'm just so sorry for your loss .

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

You should absolutely do whatever you think is right for you.

In my culture, it’s very normal to view deceased friends and relatives, so I’m quite used to it and like to say my goodbyes that way. However, I know it’s not the same for everyone.

@Changeforthis79

I'm so sorry about your DP.

sooner would have been better for you, in the moment. I'm not sure how to phrase this, but his body would have been 'fresher' , less deterioration. But I totally understand burying your head in the sand.

No matter how he looks, he's your partner that you loved & he loved you.

For me it does help (especially with an unexpected death or one where you weren't there at the end, even if they were unwell.

when my Dad died (65 completely unexpected) the funeral home were amazing & let me see him loads, they even let me stay as late as I wanted one night & lock up! (this was not uk).

Do what's right for you, understand he won't look like he did last time you saw him, but it's his body & saying goodbye to that can really help with acceptance.

i'll be thinking if you today
xx

I'm so very sorry for your loss

I went to see my brother and even though he looked peaceful the image stayed with me for ages - I had nightmares for months. He'd also had a post-mortem which was quite obvious when I seen him.

I'm not sure if it helped or not, obviously I don't know how I would've been if I hadn't went, it's just a really weird experience seeing someone you love so....still. The room he was in was tiny too, I expected a bit of space between the door and his body but as soon as I opened the door he was there which really shocked me.

It sounds like the last moments with your DH was really traumatic so it might help you to replace those images with more peaceful ones. Id be guided by the funeral director, or maybe a family member could visit first and advise you? At the end of the day it's your decision, you don't have to unless you think it will help.

You're in my thoughts - life is so cruel, I hope you get some sleep x

It's the norm here in Ireland to spend time with the deceased. To be frank, it is strange at first, they look waxy almost, (think Madam Tussauds - sorry, I don't want to upset you more), but undertakers are fab and will have them looking as well as possible. I have always found it comforting myself, it's quiet time for a proper goodbye. Either way, whatever you decide, in the future you will know you tried to limit the trauma you're experiencing, so you will be kind to yourself.

I was with my younger brother when he died from cancer. I viewed his body again in the funeral home, in the casket we'd hand picked for him.

It wasn't "him" but it was his body at peace. I am forever grateful that I got to see him one last time.

In your shoes I would go. I'm so so sorry for your loss, you must be in immense pain ♥️

I’m so sorry you lost your partner like this. I can understand why you are traumatised. I agree that calling the funeral home and sharing your concerns is a great idea. As for time, assuming the embalming has been done correctly, it may be a good thing that you’ve had a bit of time since you last saw him in good health. As someone else upstream said, he won’t look like the vibrant young man you knew, but he should definitely look more at peace. I do hope that whatever you decide to do, you find comfort and some peace of mind. Again, I’m so very sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. I went to see my Dad at the funeral home and I specifically mentioned I only wanted to see him with his mouth closed, as this was also the thing I struggled with immediately after he died. His mouth was closed when I saw him and he also looked nothing like himself. I knew he had gone and it helped me to process this very vivid fact. I know it won't be the same for everyone.

So so sorry for your loss.

My nanna passed away during one of the lockdowns so I hadn't seen her in person for a good few months, so felt I needed to go and see her to process it if that makes sense?

I understand it's different for everyone, but in my experience it was helpful, she looked at peace, not quite herself but just asleep to me.

The funeral directors are usually really good at being honest as to whether they'd advise you going or not, and at giving you as much time as you need

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I was with my grandfather when he died and his mouth was open too (he went in his sleep), and seeing him at the chapel of rest was quite distressing as they’d had to try and get his mouth closed, so he didn’t look like himself anymore.

My brother was very upset by seeing his body, as he hadn’t been with him when he passed away.

I hope you’re looking after yourself and doing as well as you can be, given the circumstances x

I am so very sorry for your loss.

It's very odd seeing the 'body'. You'd think it would be the same as seeing them sleeping, but it's not. The essence of them has gone and what is left is like an empty crisp packet iyswim. What made them, them, the filling, themselves, just isn't there.

That sounds very stupid but the 'whole' of them has gone.

I'm getting myself upset, haha! But please accept my condolences and I apologise for my random musings.