Hand hold needed. My beloved mum is dying

[Higgeldypiggeldy35]

I am in intensive care with my wonderful mum as she battles double pneumonia from covid. The doctors say there is little hope but in her awake moments Mum tells me she is terrified to die, she doesn't want to close her eyes in case she dies, she isn't ready to die. I am distraught. She looks to me for reassurance and I hold her hand and tell her I love her. What else can I do? How can I help her? What can I expect? Im bereft, devastated, terrified. The thought of my best friend not being here anymore is breaking my heart.

Thank you. I have been saying your body needs to rest, I am here, I wont leave you. She just had to go on a special mask. Shes only 69 shes just been given the all clear for cancer, but the wretched chemo ruined her immune system and then she caught covid. She still has so much life to live. She has grandsons who adore her. I feel so lost.

I’m so sorry. Been in a similar situation, wishing you both lots of peace. Tell your mother not to be scared. She will need as much rest as possible if she is to recover.

I was in a similar situation to you in 2018 with my FIL in intensive care, lost his life at 57 due to an infection he caught due to an obliterated immune system also because of chemo. It was almost a year to the date i lost my dad suddenly due to his heart at 67. I am so sorry you are going through this, just know u are not alone & we all here for u to offer support.

One tip - play music, my FILs breathing changed instantly when we played his favourite tunes slowing as if it bought him comfort.

My mum died from cancer last week Op. I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing. Loosing a parent is so hard, especially as she's so young. You are doing amazingly for your mum. I stayed with my mum, I held her hand, I stroked her hair, I made her comfortable, I sang our favorite songs and told her she was safe and I loved her over and over again. It's all we can do.

You're doing the most important thing - you're there alongside her.
Thinking of you.

Sending you lots of love

This is just heartbreaking xxxxxxx

Keep holding her hand and tell her how much you love her. Talk to her about memories you have of your life with her and how important she is to you. My mum died suddenly and I always wish I had time to say thank you to her for her love for me and to tell her that she was my best friend. Say anything out loud to her that you feel inside, now is the time to do that.

Sending lots of love to you and your beloved mum.

She had a very bad episode in the night where her o2 levels dropped to 30% and I called my dad and brother. By the time they got here she had rallied. She's so lucid which is breaking my heart, she keeps asking me should she give up, can I fight this, why cant I go home.

I told my Mum that if she wanted to have a nap then she should do so. I would stay with her and she could be sure I was there when she woke up. She said she did feel tired and would have a nap. She didn’t wake up. I was with her for 48 hours and when I finally dashed out to get some food, she died in the five minutes I was away. The nurse said this very often happened.

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking , shes so young. Stay with her and tell her that resting her eyes will help her heal. Play the music. Talk about the past. She's an amazing woman 💙

Tell her that she needs rest in order to keep fighting and that she is being well looked after by all of the doctors and nurses. And that you will always be there for her x

She's on a syringe driver now so is more settled. She knows now and accepts the end is coming. My dad is heartbroken

I lost my Mum early this month. Tell her you're proud to be her daughter and how much she has influenced you. The music is a lovely idea. My sister played music when my Dad was very ill before he passed.💗

My MiL passed away during one of the lock Downs. Looking back, the 4 days we spent together on End of Life care were such a privilege. I hope your mum pulls through, but she is wrapped up in love from her family, that is so obvious.

It has been a privilege supporting her for the last few weeks, I am immensely proud of her and have told her so. She has been so strong and so brave. It is truely an honour to be with her as she ends this chapter in her life. But I am so sad at what she will miss out on and what we will miss out on. I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life.

I am so sorry @Higgeldypiggeldy35 , I went through similar so know how shocking and horrible it is. I feel your pain and as a stranger through the internet send my love and support to you.

Two things I would say are

Whether you are there or not at the moment she passes, is not in your control even if you sit there all the time you will need to go to the loo or take a break, brush your teeth... So be prepared for the fact that you might not be there and if you arent it is not your fault. Just be aware this can happen to anyone. It could even be she is trying to spare you pain of seeing it.

The second thing is that I was quite influenced by something I read on line of a person whos parent died at home and they called the undertaker straight away and the body was removed quickly. They said they really regretted it afterwards and wished they had sat longer and spent time with their loved one. So if you are there, don't feel there is a need to rush away - everyone is different some people just want to leave after saying goodbye, others will want to sit awhile. Just see how you feel in the moment but consider,as I did, like this person I read about that if you go quickly you may regret it later.

The moment someone dies is so private and so gravely significant, it is a huge privilege to witness it and to be there for someone you love. Whatever your beliefs, take time to feel the moment and see if you can sense anything in terms of soul, essence, messages. I tried to empty my mind to see if I felt or anything from my mother and noted the first things I thought of that came to me. Sorry if that isn't of use to you, but focussing on this for me just helped me deal with the tragedy of it in that awful awful moment that is likely to be one of the worst in your life. Opening my mind and just "feeling" gave me something to hold on to.

Thank you for your beautiful words. I am trying to be present for her. Im also desperate for it to be over now. Shes sedated and peaceful

Many of us are thinking of you as you hold vigil with your Mum. Sending many good wishes xxxx

Thinking of you.

Tell her everything you need to, over and over again.

We are all waiting quietly in support of you OP ❤️

I have no help to offer, I just wanted to say how sorry I am.

I'm sure your mum is so grateful to have you by her side. You sound wonderful and I know you are proud of your mum, but I'm very sure she is immensely proud of you too.

I wish you all peace..❤️

I was sitting at my Dad's bedside as he died from cancer earlier this year. It was honestly one of the most horrific experiences of my adult life.

I'm so sorry, you have my absolute sympathy

I’m so sorry your family is going through this right now 💔 sounds like you’ve been the best daughter and I’m heartbroken for you all x sending lots of love and hoping peace for your beautiful mum

So sorry, OP. It's very hard, isn't it? The rallying gives you hope and then it's downhill again. Then up again....and down. The rollercoaster plays with your emotions and is so draining. It also changes what you feel you should say to your parent in terms of encouraging them to fight or just to let go. Thinking of you. It's traumatic.

Hold on to that fact that she has pain relief and is peaceful. It may not seem like much but given what the situation could be, it is something worth holding on to.

Do keep talking to her. They say the hearing is the last sense to go and my experience bears it out.

I have such empathy with you @Higgeldypiggeldy35 because I have been in that situation and I wish I could spare you or anyone else the pain of it all. I don't think I really understood what "empathy" meant before as this is more like channelling a feeling directly into your soul.

I would really recommend this book @Higgeldypiggeldy35 as I found it helped me. someone had suggested it to me and I'd bought it when I was where you are now - in that window of knowing what was coming and death. I dipped in and out of it in the days after death and it did help me to understand what my body was experiencing and why. I found it comforting. Please forgive me if this isnt something of use to you now or in the future but I want to try to do anything I can to help someone facing the death of their lovely mother. Just casting around mentally for stuff that helped me.

https://www.waterstones.com/book/coping-with-grief-5th-edition/dianne-mckissock/mal-mckissock/9780733339578

I am so moved by your posts @Higgeldypiggeldy35

Please know that many of us are thinking of you at this difficult hour.