Dad's funeral weird.

[Trifleguzzler]

Hi everyone, I am up in the early hours going over the Eulogy at my Dad's funeral yesterday.
It was weird.
My step mum took over the whole thing and we were very much kept at arms length.
I did however have a 15 minute chat with the celebrant to give some childhood memories which were well received as they were quite funny.
But had I not done that you wouldn't barely know he had kids or Grandad kids.
50% of it was about Dad and 50% was about her. My eldest even came out whose 13 and said quietly whose funeral were we at?
It was just really weird and I found myself zoning out for alot of it. There were serious omissions too like my Dad's kids from his first marriage (he was married 3 times) weren't even mentioned.
I get she is grieving the love of her life but it was so f*cking weird.
There was a song at the end that was a surprise and we encouraged to sing along, I hadn't been pre warned and it floored me so instead of being able to sing along and be happy like my dad had apparently wanted I was just sobbing.
Anyway, sorry just wanted to get it off my chest.
I wasn't the only one who was puzzled by alot of it, my brother said the same, that he couldn't listen to it either.

Sounds familiar, StepF was doing his best to avoid acknowledging my Mum's previous marriage to my Dad who died many years ago.

Didn't even want her previous married name (which more people would know by, than her current married name) included in the death notice. We weren't trying to erase his name, just add AKA our Dad's name, as lots of people would recognise it & her too).

Anyway, we made sure our points of view were put across to the Celebrant - funeral next week, I'll let you know how it goes!

That sounds rubbish but unfortunately nothing you do will change it now. Could you and your siblings and families have your own memorial service?

Unfortunately the celebrant has to do what the person paying them wants.
I to the funeral of a friend who has left his wife for another woman when their son was 2 (the child was 10 when her Dad died) The eulogy which had been written by the OW detailed how they’d met at work and fallen madly in love etc. etc. even gave the month and year……. which was when the child was a month old! The poor boy was devastated AND there was no mention of him!

My own step mum didn’t let any of my father’s friends or family know about his funeral. He was cremated “in a private ceremony for close family” ie just her less than a week after his death.
Im sorry for your loss OP and the additional hurt inflicted at the funeral. Perhaps you and your family could arrange a little memorial service for yourselves at some point….

Funerals can be odd (and horrible) when there's different branches of families etc. It sounds like it was a nasty experience for you, but if I were you I'd arrange a get together for your part of the family, have some food, talk about the memories that are important to you. It ultimately doesn't matter that those memories weren't said at the service. At the end of the day, the only people who need to hear a eulogy are the ones who already know everything that's in it anyway.

It is hard to deal with. My brother is a total petrol head - it is most of what he talks about and he manages to twist every conversation round to cars. When Dad died the celebrant came round and of course bro wittered on about how Dad did his own car maintenance and how he loved it.

I phoned the celebrant the next day and explained that this was not true - Dad did it because he could not afford garage fees. Celebrant did a good job on the day - managed to bring it in but not overdo it.

It is interesting how people remember things on a different way.

It must be agonizing to have a new partner wiping out the history that means so much to you. I am sorry you had to go through this - but you must treasure your own memories and create your on rituals in his memory.

Yeah this was the issue, my SM got 2 hours with her and I got a quick phonecall so I managed to get his funny sayings, our memories as kids in. But the rest was how my dad supported her though her degree bla bla bla, how she went on in her career. It was like she was the main character and he was the supporting act. At his own funeral.

My dad had an extraordinary life he played insturments, he had a amazing career. But it was all about them her and their marriage.

She also spoke about when they met, which was when he had JUST seperated from my mum and I remember being an awful time.

She even used the phrase third time lucky 😳
Yeah my parents marriage didn't last, but my god there was love there, I saw it.

It all felt very uncomfortable for us, it was just the SM show. She kept details back too so she was the only one following his car from the undertakers. I would've liked to do that but nothing was mentioned.

Me and my brother are going to spread some of his ashes together in the spring in the lake district. We just need to get hold of them first.

Urgh it was just shit.😔

My step mum was similar. Neither my brother or I had any part in the funeral and when it came to the headstone she added the dogs’ names and not ours! I can laugh about it now but at the time it hurt.

Sweet Lord.😳

They were married for a long time 30 plus years, so she's been on the scene since I was a kid.

She just seemed to go into gate keeper mode and we weren't let anywhere near. My older half siblings don't even know he is dead.

They weren't in touch due to a falling out with her years ago. I don't see them. But I said it didn't feel right they didn't know he was dead I was shot down.

I am trying to work out how to get in touch with them, they should know.

Yes do let me know how you get on i gipe or goes okay. I managed to get enough in, and they were actually about dad and not anyone else.
Everyone said it was obvious which were mine and which were her parts. It was so odd and disjointed, loads of time was spent talking about his medical history.
He had a stroke years ago and that was in! I meam why! He fully recovered nothing else came of it. It was just odd.
Maybe she was going for her was very brave angle.

Sorry that was meant for @Ihateprobate

@HideTheCroissants that's so awful. It felt a bit like that. Talking about how she fell in love with him while she worked with him. Me and my brother were like, yeah we remember watching our mum break her heart over it all.

I sat next to DH's aunt at her DD's funeral recently. The celebrant never mentioned the deceased's mother at all. Afterwards I collared him and asked him why her mum wasn't mentioned and was told that he thought she was dead. I pointed her out to him and he felt awful. Not his fault though.

Also at a friend's funeral last year, there was no mention of her husband who had died young or her children. When I enquired where they were, the friend who had organised it said that she hadn't let them know that their mother was dead.

Your family funeral is typical of the awful ones where one person dominates the decision making. So sad for the rest of the family.

@BrianBettyGrable yes this was similar to me and my brother. We live a long way from eachother but him being older found it all a bit much as he knew more growing up. I feel this will bring us closer now.

Sounds like my dad's funeral. He died quite young but 25 years of his life were complete omitted. Those were the years when my sister and I were born and raised. It was as if we don't exist.
20 years later, I don't know who the pall bearers were. His sobbing grieving girlfriend never once contacted my sister or I once after the funeral. We were in our early teens when he died. She had got him to change his will and basically write us out of it.
I don't want to hate her but it is very hard.

Hi OP,

That's terrible! I'm very sorry that you had to deal with this, and that she's kept your dad's death from your older half-siblings 😳. I hope that you can make contact and have your own family memorial, and I think that the idea to spread a portion of your dad's ashes with your brother in the Lake District is lovely. And hopefully the people who attended the funeral who really knew your dad knew that there was much more to him than his relationship with your step-mum.

Death and funerals can bring out the best in some people, and the absolute worst in others. My brother's memorial and grandmother's funeral were unfortunately both hijacked by people who gave speeches aimed at making a case for why they (or their children) should inherit a larger portion of the estate than they were legally entitled to. No direct references to money were made in the speeches, but each was followed up by threats to take grieving relatives to court.

Do you think that you will remain in contact with your step-mum after you've got the ashes from her?

I'm sorry it never went as you had hoped. I was at my mums funeral yday and funerals and grief can make people act so strangely. We gave a full run down of her life from birth to death to the celebrant and it was all mentioned, its terrible the way your sm had your dad's done expecially not mentioning things like his musical talents and career and your elder siblings not knowing.

@Catdemons I would like to think we would keep in touch we have had a decent relationship over the years. But the more I look at it the more I realise that I only kept in touch was because my dad would call me she never did. It was always jist a quick hello over the phone. She is very bitter towards my mum and doesn't mind slagging her off to me at every opportunity,she did it on the day of his funeral aswell.
I might step back from it all for a while and see if she makes the effort too. I doubt she will though.

@Ejismyf I am sorry about the loss of your Mum. Yeah it was just weird I was just puzzled by it all.
My brother said afterwards she can't take the memories we had of him they are ours forever, so I will keep that in mind when I feel mad about it. There was even a photo of them together on the order of service. It wasn't about him, it was about them. Odd

That's terrible. I made sure my dad's first family were all mentioned (and present) at his funeral. Who wouldn't.

Sorry for your loss.
SIL funeral was weirdest as she had 2 siblings and 2 half siblings but by the time she died was NC with all her extended family and some friends/ colleagues. She wrote her own eulogy for her executor to read and which gave her parents fancier names (we think to impress her colleagues - she was ashamed of her origins), left out any mention of her siblings, half siblings, dnephews and nieces, and in her will gave all her remaining money to care for her cat (or rather to the person who took over its care prior to her death). Neither of her siblings were able to attend her funeral as both were in hospital (it was mostly her work colleagues) so it felt strange to attend a "close" family members funeral where me and my DC knew absolutely no-one.

Funerals are horrible things. We had a similar experience at my lovely FIL's funeral two years ago, DH's stepmother took over, made it massively religious (which FIL wasn't) and wanted the eulogy written as if they'd been together forever - they'd been together a while, but she didn't want any mention of his "previous life" with his wife of 30 years who he'd nursed through cancer until her death. DH was beside himself, it felt like a bit of a sick joke.

I just think death/funerals bring out weird sides of people, just so hurtful

Wow

I went to an aunt’s funeral where my cousin’s elder sister from a previous relationship was completely airbrushed from her life in the eulogy. Her daughter had travelled hundreds of miles to be there and she cried out from the back of the chapel “What about my mum?” My aunt raised her for some years and was very close to her.

I never understand people who treat other grieving family members like that.