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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Going back to work before the funeral

38 replies

Ilikewinter · 21/11/2023 02:32

Morning all, in just wondering when people returned to work after loosing a parent?. My DM has passed but her funeral isnt for 3 weeks 😥. Whilst im off work this week i dont feel like i can stay off until after the funeral, i feel i need some structure back and sitting at home just thinking about everything isnt good for me, but on the other hand am i mad going back before the funeral?

OP posts:

Rafting2022 · 21/11/2023 02:56

i had a few days off then went back to work for a few days before the funeral.

Do you feel up to returning to work?

AnOldCynic · 21/11/2023 03:00

No, you're not mad. I went back in, it gave me something to do. See how you cope with it.

Somewhereoverthersinbowweighapie · 21/11/2023 03:04

I lost my DM a couple of weeks ago. I don’t work, but found getting back to doing normal stuff quickly helped me. But also don’t be pressured to go back quickly if it doesn’t work out. All the best xx

THisbackwithavengeance · 21/11/2023 03:19

I had about 4 days off but then did some shorter days whilst I sorted things out.

I think it helps to keep busy and stick to a normal routine personally but everyone's different.

Original poster

Ilikewinter · 21/11/2023 05:06

I didnt expect so many replies at this early hour!
@Rafting2022 i think i would be ready by monday. I guess im just not sure how I will be feeling the day/ couple of days before the funeral.

I really wish it was this/ next week and not 3 weeks away. My only friends who have lost parents all took several weeks off and they both think i shouldnt go back so soon, so its nice to hear that people do go back after a week x

OP posts:

BatshitCrazyWoman · 21/11/2023 05:09

Everyone is different. I was back at work before the funeral, for both parents.

bushytail48 · 21/11/2023 05:29

I lost my brother last week very suddenly, the funeral date hasn't been set yet but I went into work yesterday just to keep busy, everyone is different, go in when your ready, if it gets to much go home, don't put to much pressure on yourself

MikeRafone · 21/11/2023 05:38

Sorry for your loss.

sometimes we think we are better but aren’t, go for a phased return

countrygirl99 · 21/11/2023 05:40

I had 5 days compassionate leave after dad died and used them up over a 3 week period. I was back in work 2 days after he died. But my bosses mum had died a couple of days before and there are only 3 of is in the team so we worked around each other so as not to leave the most junior person on their own. But I also preferred to keep life as normal as possible so it worked for me. Some people are still barely able to think straight a month down the line do it sll depends on you and your circumstances. 3 weeks off would have driven me crazy.

Rafting2022 · 21/11/2023 06:51

Do you have an understanding boss who will let you play it by ear? I’d go back now and maybe take the day before the funeral off depending if there are things to prepare, people travelling to attend etc.

EversoDisorganised · 21/11/2023 06:59

DH only took a couple of days off when he lost his mum, then a few more around the funeral which was three weeks later (not local to us). Do what feels right for you

coathangerwire · 21/11/2023 07:25

Everyone is different but if you're craving structure, then go for it. I had 5 weeks off work when my mum died but it was very sudden and I think I spent the first 3 weeks in stunned shock and horror.

After the funeral, I remember driving past some daffodils and suddenly having this teeny spark/feeling of hope and I found myself wondering what was going on in the office whereas up until then I'd not given it a second thought.

I went back a week later on a phased return and my work was brilliant. They gave me space if I needed it and offered bereavement counselling too.

I think you know best what you need so follow your own instinct. But also if you feel really tired, worn out or not able to cope, be nice to yourself and take time off again.

itsgettingweird · 21/11/2023 07:29

I work in education. I went back after 6 days (inc the weekend) just for a few days then it was half term and then a few days back and 2 days plus weekend off for the funeral.

Like you I felt being at home quite hard. I didn't really know what to do with myself and being at home didn't help despite being at work being difficult.

HeadNorth · 21/11/2023 07:30

My work was wonderful when my beloved dad died suddenly and told me take as long as I wanted. Because of that kindness I felt able to return as I knew I could leave if it got too much for me. There had to be a post mortom so there was quite a big gap before the funeral. I was much better for getting back to my routine and the structure of work - but I was fortunate to have lovely supportive colleagues. Do what feels best for you.

Woman2023 · 21/11/2023 07:38

I had a few days off when she died then the funeral day and the day after. I worked in between, I was on short days and remote though so had time to organise things.

chocolateisavegetable · 21/11/2023 07:41

I went back before, but I have a wonderful boss who made it clear that I could finish whenever I wanted and only do what I felt I could cope with

Original poster

Ilikewinter · 21/11/2023 08:18

Thank you everyone, it sounds like the key to going back to work is a supportive boss. So far mine has been great with no pressure to return. Im leaning towards going back on Monday and will see how I go. I only do 2 days in the office anyway so I think that will help. 💐

OP posts:

Trifleguzzler · 21/11/2023 09:28

I had a week off then went back to work, still not had a date for the funeral and it's been 2 weeks since my Dad passed.
Some days it has been okay some days it has been hard, I think that will just be how it is for a while.
Go on and see how you get on, you might find it helps you plough through it all.
I did get a bit overwhelmed when I saw close colleagues though and ended up sobbing but they were brilliant.
Like others my bosses were amazing and said I could duck out of meetings etc if wanted to and just get my head down and work. It really helped.

Pumpkinslice · 22/11/2023 16:21

I was off 2 weeks after my dad died from cancer recently. No pressure to return but I felt I ought to. First day was hard but I was wfh so didn't have to face anyone. Boss said I could finish early if needed. All my time off was taken up with funeral arrangements but it was good to not have to work in between.

Zanatdy · 23/11/2023 05:42

I went back between my dad dying and the funeral. I didn’t live too close so couldn’t help with funeral for a few days until I got there. I went back for a couple of days then had a week off for planning funeral. Then back to work few days after. For me I had to keep busy

grafittiartist · 23/11/2023 05:45

I too went back quite quickly. I missed the noise and business. It helped a lot.
I did take a day after the funeral though- as I felt exhausted (mentally and physically) after the stress of the day.

Ffsnotaconference · 23/11/2023 05:49

My mum died on the Thursday. It was around Christmas time and the funeral was going to be 4 weeks. I went back on the Monday.

By Sunday night I was crawling the walls and need some structured distraction. However, as you say. Supportive boss was key. I was working fully at home and if I couldn’t manage a full day, that was fine. If I needed to leave/takes calls etc it was all fine.

I have several teams who work for me and they were great in supporting me and taking on work that I couldn’t do. Or covering if I couldn’t face a meeting.

Original poster

Ilikewinter · 23/11/2023 07:17

@Trifleguzzler I hope you've been able to arrange the funeral date for your dad, its horrible being in limbo.
Ive spoken to my manager and will go back on Monday, but its all very fluid and I can basically do what I need to for the next couple of weeks. 😥

OP posts:

Trifleguzzler · 23/11/2023 07:31

@Ilikewinter That's good that you have that fluidity. Just take each day and see how you go. Thankfully we have a date now, it's all happened quickly after waiting around for 3 weeks, it's on Monday so jusy getting stuff prepared now. I hope work goes okay, take your time and duck out if and when you need to.

OhCrumbsWhereNow · 27/11/2023 13:50

My mother died two weeks ago and my work have been fantastic. I took a day off to go down and spend a long weekend with her when we knew things were bad, I then worked until the day of the funeral and took two days off plus the weekend last week.

Mainly it's been much better for me to have structure, distraction and focus, but being able to be a bit crap at times and occasionally disappear for phone calls etc. They've given me stuff to do that is hard to mess up and needed focus but not massive concentration.

There's no answer as to what is right or wrong. I felt guilty for being able to distract myself when other family members couldn't, but having talked it through last week, nobody was hating me for being able to.

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