My Grandfather Died And No One Cares

[ShitBrickhouse]

NCd as this is quite personal.

I got a phone call out of the blue last Wednesday evening that my paternal granddad had died. It was my last living relative on that side of the family. I have told my step-sister (not related to GF, but we grew up together), my mum, and my DH, and literally none of them have given me any support at all, and DM even asked why I was bothering to go to the funeral. I'm randomly crying all over the place (I cried in the hairdressers yesterday) and no one will even talk to me. I'm trying to keep it together looking after the babies and going to work but my mind is all over the place.

Do you really have to be directly affected by a death to give someone support over it?

Of course not - they are being thoughtless at best. I'm sorry you've lost your grandfather

So sorry @ShitBrickhouse . 💐

I'm so sorry, of course they should be able to give you support without being directly related. We've lost someone this week, not my relative but I'm being supportive and caring I hope!

Is there a reason why your mum is being so uncaring though, in the past?

My condolences

Poor you, they’re not being supportive at all. Of course this is a huge loss for you and for DM to ask why you’re going to the funeral is callous. Would she/did she feel the same about you going to her DF’s funeral?

Were you close to him? Maybe if you weren't close to him they have wrongly assumed it hasn't affected you. Tell them how upset you are and what they can do to support you if they still don't step up then they are uncaring twats.

Thank you. The only person who's told me they're sorry for my loss was the HR manager at work when I asked for time off for the funeral. The split between my parents was very acrimonious, but I thought my mum or DSSis would have some understanding that I'd lost my granddad.

So sorry for your loss OP 💐

Yes we were close. My relatives have form for being thoughtless about my feelings. They were like this when my DF died as well and I lived with him for years after uni. I went to that funeral alone too. That's why it's left me scratching my head that surely people should be able to see that a loss will affect a close relative, even if that loss doesn't affect them?

Like if I split with DH tomorrow and stopped caring about him and took DD and DS away, and later DH died, I'd understand that DD and DS would naturally be upset even if I wasn't, and I thought that level of understanding was normal but no one around me seems to have it.

Sadly your family sound rather self centred. Maybe going to the funeral will help as you will meet other people who cared for him and are there to pay respects.

Death is one of those weird events where people you think will be great and supportive aren't, and random people you barely know just get it.

Would you like to tell us about him? Whats his name? Whats your favourite memory of him?

I find listening to Griefcast enormously comforting - like SparkNotes for death. Might be worth seeing if any of the guests are people you already like and give it a listen.

So sorry for your loss.

Thank you to all those who are sorry for my loss. It's making me feel less alone.

I have often found people aren't at their best around bereavement and our own reactions can surprise or confuse us.

I've got my first session of bereavement counselling tomorrow after losing someone close in January.

Sometimes I have been desperate for someone to talk to in the months in between and the Samaritans were wonderful. They say 'whatever you're going through we'll go through it with you' it's not only for people in a suicidal frame of mind these days.

Sending a virtual hug 🌺

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale Thanks. His name was the same as my dad's and it's quite an unusual one so I can't put it on here.

My favourite memory was when we lived in London and he visited when I was about 4 and he took me to Hamley's to choose some toys. It was right before my parents split up and my mum was furious that he'd bought all these expensive toys but I was so enchanted because he bought me a Big Bird (from Sesame Street) that talked to me when I put a tape in the tape player under his bottom. I don't think I can convey just how magical this.

That Big Bird was my favourite toy when I was little.

Sorry for your loss OP

I have often found people aren't at their best around bereavement and our own reactions can surprise or confuse us.

This however, is very true.

But also, what I find interesting is the sort of "support" that some people expect.
So I am not sure what it is you want your dm and dh to do.

If an adult told me their grandparent had died, I would say I was sorry to hear that, but I wouldn't automatically leap in to full on 'support' mode as most people who lose a grandparent as an adult don't usually need "support" as such, like a friend would if they lost a spouse or their own parent, and who was having to make the arrangement and deal with paperwork, informing people, arranging funeral, dealing with clearing houses, etc.

What is it you feel you want them to do, that they aren't doing ?

@UsingChangeofName

But her mum even questioned going to the funeral. Seems really odd and lacking understanding. I'm in this position at the moment and so I can tell you support means understanding, checking in offering sympathy each day and to see how they are doing, offering transport or other practical assistance eg babysitting...

@UsingChangeofName Er... anything at all? As I said upthread, if they'd said "I'm sorry for your loss" that would have made a difference instead of totally ignoring the topic and wittering on about some rubbish on the TV, in one case, and in the other case, asking why I'd want to go to my own GFs funeral. Other things you could say to a direct relative or spouse of yours who has lost an immediate family member include, "are you OK?" or "let us know if you need anything" or in the case of DH, "do you want me to look after the children so you can go to the funeral?"

So sorry for your loss. I imagine too that it might bring back some of the grief of losing your dad. Your grandfather was a tangible link to his son which may make the loss magnified.

Do you have friends who you can talk to? Maybe see whether there is grief counseling available through your work. There are also likely to be charities around who can also help. The others in your life, especially your dh should be there to support you, but for whatever reason they cannot so I would look for support elsewhere.

OMFG RTFT! This is bereavement not AIBU and every single one of your posts so far has been very insensitive. Go away.

@Unexpecteddrivinginstructor I imagine too that it might bring back some of the grief of losing your dad. Your grandfather was a tangible link to his son which may make the loss magnified.
I think this is definitely a part of it. Once the dust has settled I'll sort out counselling but I find it's not actually helpful while something is ongoing, I can't process things properly until they're over (in this case, that will probably be after the funeral). Work has an employee assistance line which I think covers stuff like this but I've never used it so not sure.