My Grandfather Died And No One Cares

[ShitBrickhouse]

NCd as this is quite personal.

I got a phone call out of the blue last Wednesday evening that my paternal granddad had died. It was my last living relative on that side of the family. I have told my step-sister (not related to GF, but we grew up together), my mum, and my DH, and literally none of them have given me any support at all, and DM even asked why I was bothering to go to the funeral. I'm randomly crying all over the place (I cried in the hairdressers yesterday) and no one will even talk to me. I'm trying to keep it together looking after the babies and going to work but my mind is all over the place.

Do you really have to be directly affected by a death to give someone support over it?

And now you're accusing my DGF of being an abuser with no grounds or basis at all. Run out of puppies to kick or something? Please leave. I will not engage with you further.

I am so sorry for your loss, and aunam also sorry that your family can't see further than what directly affects them. My parents had form for being like this so I understand how hurtful and frustrating it is.

Grandparents can be so special and if they are close ones, their love is absolute and unconditional.

Mine died before I reached my teens and to this day my most treasured possessions are ones they gave me as a kid.

How lovely of him to take you to Hamleys, do you think he knew your parents were about to split and wanted you to have some special things and to clearly know he loved you?

@ShitBrickhouse
I’m very sorry about your grandad, and the fact that it sounded sudden must have been a shock.
Your family should be more sensitive really, regardless of their relationship with the person who has sadly passed.
My mum and dad divorced when I was a teen. Neither had anything good to say about the other. My mum actively disliked my dad and they had a very unhappy marriage. She went through a lot of unhappy times with him.
When he died however, she was so supportive. It hurt her that I had lost my dad and she made sure I was ok. She was big enough and caring enough to put her feelings about him aside to show me support.
So I’m sorry your family have not shown you the same. That must hurt, on top of your bereavement. Are you able to put into words to them how you feel about this? They may just be insensitive and not realise how hurt you feel and how your grandad’s passing has affected you.
All the best to you moving forward x

Sorry for your loss OP.
Your mum may have terrible memories of her FIL. If the divorce was acrimonious, there may have been nastiness from your father’s family towards her as well as being your parents and perhaps between your father and your mother’s family.
That’s not your problem though, and it sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your paternal grandfather. But I don’t think you’re going to get any support from your mum or your maternal relatives unfortunately. They may have their own perhaps rather uncharitable feelings to work through.
In your shoes, I’d try leaning on your husband instead. Tell him what you need. Do you need him to pick up more slack at home while you’re grieving? Do you need him to come to the funeral with you? If he’s not automatically giving the support you need, it doesn’t mean he won’t be able to step up if you tell him you’re having a hard time emotionally and you need him to do x,y and z. It might not be as soothing as someone who just gets it and does what you need without prompting, but I think it would still help you.

Is your DH normally this thoughtless and uncaring?

I'm really sorry for your loss Op, and your family are being awful.

Thank you so much for this message and I'm sorry for your losses. I lost most of the rest of my family (dad, DSis, all other grandparents) a long time ago, so he was the last one left and he seems to have gone on forever as I'm in my 30s now.

I think DGF might have had an idea of what was about to happen-- him and my grandma split when my DF was very young and their divorce was extremely bitter from my grandma's side (no cheating happened, she was just very, very angry because in the 1950s divorce just didn't happen). He probably saw the signs of history repeating itself with my mum and dad. He was also the one who broke the news to me that my DF had died.

It's been hard to put it all into perspective but I'm struggling with the fact the family on both sides is so schismed that people can't see any of the redeeming qualities of any of the other people in the family. I've been caught in the middle my whole life, guilt tripped by my mum for wanting to visit or phone my dad and by my grandma for wanting to visit my grandad when I was a teenager etc, but I just thought they'd all grown out of it.

I think because all the other deaths happened when I was quite young, I didn't have much understanding of how mature adults should behave, whereas now I'm looking at them all in amazement that people older than me can be so immature and graceless when I grew up in the same house as them all.

I feel like the last one standing. The last one who remembers what life was like. And the lack of support from DM and DSSis is really bringing it home that their world isn't my world and never has been; there's this separation that I belonged to two very different families and they didn't.

@xyz111 thank you, no he is usually quite sensitive and caring, and usually we share the load with the house and kids really well. Deaths seem to be the one time he is totally shit. I think he's really bad at them because he's never lost anyone close to him so doesn't really understand.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐
Does your DH not see you when you are upset?

Maybe be clearer with him about what you need him to do. He might feel that he doesn't know what to say but if you say to him that you need him to arrange childcare so you can go to the funeral he might manage that for example. How do you get on with his parents? Could you talk it through with them? Could they babysit?

I hope you are doing OK today. I totally agree, it is shocking that your family haven't grown up and learned to not make you a pawn in their differences.
The positive from this is that despite your upbringing, you see this and you know how to be the bigger person. You have been the one to change the family patterns.

I know that doesn't help right now but I hope it helps a bit in the future.

As your DH is a bit rubbish at /unaccustomed to empathising with grief, do you have a friend who can go to the funeral with you? Either as well as DH or instead of?

I am really sorry that you have lost your grandfather. He sounds like a lovely man. The Big Bird memory made me smile!

Your long post above is very insightful. It's really a pity that your DM and DSSis are too wrapped up in their own worlds to care about you in your moment of grief.

Bereavement is an awful journey and I have seen the toll it takes on family relationships described as 'secondary grief' because it's another loss on top of the primary bereavement which is the death.

If you have anywhere else to turn for support beyond your immediate family, please do, and make your own self-care the priority in this journey. I don't think they will give you the support you need - even if you ask. Sadly.

I just wanted to update you all because it's been so helpful and supportive to read all your kind words (aside from that one person who thankfully got deleted). DGF's funeral was on Wednesday and I took DD with me as we just couldn't do anything about childcare in the end.

Everything came to a head and I got so upset on Tuesday that I ended up having to leave work and go home because I was just crying at my desk.

I did speak to DH on Tuesday night once I felt able to actually put into words what I was feeling and what might help. When he realised how I was feeling, he offered to take the day off work to come with me to the funeral and sort out DD but it would have meant having to make up the time (which I already knew) so it wasn't really practical as he already works 8-6 five days a week plus catching up on things in evenings and at weekends.

The people who shared memories of DGF at his funeral and wake really filled my heart with what an impact he has left on the world in ways I had no idea about, like I knew he was really creative but didn't know he'd written poems so it was incredible to hear a couple of them.

It's so lovely when you learn new things about a loved one from people who knew them in a different sphere. I'm glad your DH offered support even though it wasn't feasible to take him up on this.

I’m so glad to hear your update. It sounds as though the funeral was both comforting and truly a celebration of your DGF’s life as well as being a time to grieve together. I hope this will also be another good memory of your DGF to hold onto.

It must have been a relief also to be able to talk it through with your DH and have him offer support.