Support for sister

[Bobbieiris]

Long story but really stuck on what to do. 5 years ago my sister lost her daughter as she was stillborn, and she has been struggling ever since. A big trigger point for her now is dogs as when her daughter was buried , a woman kept letting her dog run over her daughters grave and didn’t respect that my sister needed that space to grieve. I am worried as she is becoming increasingly isolated and aggressive. Today I visited her, her partner and her 4 kids and went to the park. The play area had a sign that said no dogs, but there was a lady with a dog on a lead and her kids were playing in the park. I was with my two nieces when I noticed that my sister was shouting at the woman and becoming increasingly aggressive , and swearing at the woman. She then stormed off; leaving me with the kids. When we got home, I told her I was concerned and felt she needed some support to help manage her emotions, she screamed at me and threw a mug in my face. I tried to talk to her partner and my parents about my concerns, they said that I need to just let her grieve and that I don’t understand because I don’t have kids ( sensitive subject for me as started trying to conceive a few months ago ) . I explained that seeing the hurt on the kids faces was horrible and I’m concerned that her behaviour will lead to an awful situation and I think she needs some professional help; I feel they are enabling and validating her aggressive behaviour. They are now angry with me and feel I am meddling. I am so worried for the mental health of her and her kids and am in awful situation of wanting to help but no one wanting to listen. Was I in the wrong for these opinions? And is it best to let these things slide?

Youre not wrong but there is no point. Stay out if it and stop visiting your sister.

Maybe you’re right. We have never had a close relationship but I love my sister and adore my nieces and nephews, I hate seeing them in this situation and it’s so hard trying to do the right thing. I feel like one of these days she’s going to pick a fight with the wrong person . Also hard seeing her and kids go through so much pain but she won’t accept that she needs help

She threw a mug in your face.
You are not a professional.
There is nothing you can do.

I can appreciate where you're coming from, however you can only ever meet people where they are. Your family sound like they think that they're doing the best for her that they can. Are they quite protective of her? Could she be in therapy but they don't want to say? It does sound like she would benefit from therapy, especially for her children's mental/emotional health.

It couldn't have been an easy conversation for you to have.

My mum and sister are extremely close however my sister can be very sensitive, so I think my mum is worried about upsetting her. I tried to explain to my mum that displaying such extreme aggressive behaviour towards strangers is not normal behaviour or nice for her kids to see. I understand to a point that we just need to listen to her, support her in her grief and not give advice, but it has got to the point where I feel her behaviour has become unacceptable and a real cause for concern, but my parents are too worried to have an honest conversation with her and explain that she really might benefit from therapy. I want to help but I don’t know what to do. Her oldest daughter is 12 and has gone from being an outgoing bubbly little girl to sad and withdrawn; it’s so hard to see. I love my sister but I honestly find it hard to deal with

If you've had the conversation i don't know what more you can do other than hope it's planted a seed for them. It's hard, but you do have to have healthy boundaries for yourself and having a cup thrown at you crosses that boundary. But hopefully that could be a wakeup call for your sister. I think maybe the only thing you could do is write a letter, if you really wanted, as that's from a distance.

I don’t think it will be a wake up call for her. I messaged her a few hours after, apologising for trying to ‘fix’ things when she was clearly upset and letting her know that I am there for her. I know she won’t acknowledge it. I live a few hours drive away and only in town for the weekend so didn’t want to leave without at least contacting her, but feel it won’t change anything. It’s really put a rift in my relationship with my parents, I really don’t feel they should be enabling her behaviour. I might leave a letter for her and my parents when I leave and ask if they can look through it with her when she is in a calmer mood. It’s frustrating because although I am in my 30s, she has never taken me seriously (she is 10 years older than me) and I just don’t think she can accept that she has crossed a line. I wish my family would support her to get help but there’s nothing I can do.

I think you are absolutely right to confront her and them about it. 5 years on it sounds as though she is suffering from 'complicated grief' and would need professional support.
Personally I would not just walk away: I think you are right to try to write a letter to her and your parents. You owe it to your nieces and nephews.
It's hard to support someone in grief as they are often angry, bitter, not very nice basically. Challenging her and suggesting different avenues are the loving and supportive things to do.
You are being a great sister. It's really a pity that other family members won't support you.

Thank you. My brother and Dad have both come round to realising that she needs help which is positive but my mum is still not accepting. She has admitted that she is scared that if we confront her she might cut my mum off completely. My sister doesn’t have any support network and the only person she talks to is my mum, she will often call her up to 8 times a day. Mum is worried that if my sister cuts her off and has no one to talk to, then she will become even worse. It’s hard to know what to do as I feel that we all have to be on the same page to try to get my sister support. Her partner is also too scared to be honest with her. I’ve suggested to my Dad that it might even help him and Mum to get some therapy themselves for support and guidance on what to do.

Glad to hear that you have some allies!

I think your suggestion that your dad and mum look into getting therapy for themselves initially is spot on.

Bereavement can put a terrible strain on family relationships.

Thank you. It’s been really tough. It’s the kids I’m most worried about as it’s having an obvious effect on them. I work in healthcare and I feel like there’s been some real red flags that can’t be ignored.

Can you open a separate line of communication with the kids? Say you know their mum is in pain and that this might make things difficult for them sometimes? Say you see them and you are there for them and if they ever want to talk to somebody who understands their situation then they can talk to you? That they can always contact you by WhatsApp or something if they ever want to talk? Even if they don’t act on it till they’re a bit older it might help to know you’re there and make them start to question their situation and maybe not internalise it and blame themselves as children tend to. Obviously you don’t want your sister to think you’re turning them against her so you’d have to do it very sensitively and probably in person, not in a message that could be discovered and taken the wrong way.

Or could you just try and become a more involved Aunty? Difficult as you live hours away. But try and start some Aunty traditions - eg you take all the kids to the panto at Christmas (without parents) or you take each one to lunch around their birthday. Or you invite them to your house so the parents can have a weekend away (or even just go to theirs to babysit). Not necessarily those things, whatever would work. Become the best Aunty ever and develop your own bond, without mum there. At the very least you could model calm behaviour and keep tabs on how they’re doing. As time went on they might talk to you and certainly you could tell them the way mum behaves isn’t their fault, and explain why she’s like that, if the subject ever came up (without angrily blaming her in a way that might get back to her and which wouldn’t be what they needed really anyway). If mum asks why you want to do this say you think they’re great kids and you really like them and you want to develop a really strong bond with them while they’re young because they’re family. Which would be true but not the whole truth.

Sorry I’ve only just seen this. I have thought about it however it’s so difficult, especially as I live in a different city so don’t see them as much as I would like. Unfortunately my sister has blocked my number and all social media accounts so I feel like the only way of getting through now is sending cards and presents on Christmas and birthdays, just hoping things get better.

I’ve also offered to babysit several times, as have my brother and sister in law, but my sister always turns down the offer. I tried to talk to her about how she is feeling and I got some pretty awful messages in response. She also won’t answer the phone to my brother. I’ll just have to keep trying

Why has she blocked you and your brother? Because she thinks you’re interfering in her life?

Has she blocked you since your visit (or was it a surprise visit?)?

I guess if your child has died and someone tells you you need support managing your emotions, it might feel like they are telling you that you are grieving too much. You might not want to let go of your grief because that would mean letting go of your child. I wonder if there are any organisations where people who have been through the same thing offer support. Ideally she would talk to someone like that but she wouldn’t welcome the suggestion from you. Maybe you could get some tips from someone who’s further down the line with their grief on what would be a good way to approach it.

Also, schools can link children with counsellors. My three nephews had family problems and the only one who came out ok was the youngest who got a weekly counselling session at school. I wonder if there’s a way of alerting them without upsetting her.

Those poor children. Five years of living with this? One can have all the sympathy in the world for someone who had a stillborn child, but right now it's her living children that matter.

I have no idea where you go from here, but I'd maybe look for a helpline that you could call for advice?

Maybe your way in is through your parents? Get them to explain their point of view to you so you really understand it. Be open-minded and don’t try to prove them wrong. They must love her and there must be some reason to what they’re saying. If you understand them properly you might learn some more about your sister’s mindset, which might help you think of a less head-on approach. But also, you might build a bridge and put yourself in a position where you can make the odd comment that might be taken on board over time. The direct approach obviously isn’t working so you need to be more subtle and circuitous. And accept that you can’t “win” the argument but if you stay in her life and bite your tongue you might have some influence.

Do you get on well with her partner? He has also been bereaved but it sounds like he’s dealing with it differently.

Can you contact her partner? What does he think? Is HE trying to protect his children?

Reading your message again, I think it’s not the case that your mum thinks your sister’s dealing with this in the right way, she just doesn’t want to lose contact. She’s probably right about that.

But if you could find out the right things to say, your mum would probably be willing to say them to her?

She blocked me because I tried to talk to her about how she was feeling, and said that I worried she could get herself in trouble if she continues to behave so aggressively towards strangers. She did reply initially but said some really upsetting things , I tried to be open and supportive but also told her that the way she was towards me wasn’t right or fair. The kids aren’t in school, she took them out a couple f years back. I think she is trying to keep them close and safe maybe