Support for sister

[Bobbieiris]

Long story but really stuck on what to do. 5 years ago my sister lost her daughter as she was stillborn, and she has been struggling ever since. A big trigger point for her now is dogs as when her daughter was buried , a woman kept letting her dog run over her daughters grave and didn’t respect that my sister needed that space to grieve. I am worried as she is becoming increasingly isolated and aggressive. Today I visited her, her partner and her 4 kids and went to the park. The play area had a sign that said no dogs, but there was a lady with a dog on a lead and her kids were playing in the park. I was with my two nieces when I noticed that my sister was shouting at the woman and becoming increasingly aggressive , and swearing at the woman. She then stormed off; leaving me with the kids. When we got home, I told her I was concerned and felt she needed some support to help manage her emotions, she screamed at me and threw a mug in my face. I tried to talk to her partner and my parents about my concerns, they said that I need to just let her grieve and that I don’t understand because I don’t have kids ( sensitive subject for me as started trying to conceive a few months ago ) . I explained that seeing the hurt on the kids faces was horrible and I’m concerned that her behaviour will lead to an awful situation and I think she needs some professional help; I feel they are enabling and validating her aggressive behaviour. They are now angry with me and feel I am meddling. I am so worried for the mental health of her and her kids and am in awful situation of wanting to help but no one wanting to listen. Was I in the wrong for these opinions? And is it best to let these things slide?

Yes I will try a helpline. It’s very difficult. I want to be there to help but her behaviour towards me has been really upsetting and caused a lot of stress, I’m hoping it all settles eventually but I don’t think this kind of grief / mental health goes away on its own

Oh wow, poor kids, homeschooled in an angry atmosphere.

It’s easy for me to say, but in your position I would just let go of how horrible she is to you and not take it personally. Taking offence won’t help her children. Obviously she’s behaving awfully but she is broken and very unhappy. Your relationship with your sister may be a lost cause - you might not want a relationship with someone who is horrible to you while you pretend not to mind - but your only chance of helping the children is to suck it up and hang on in there. That’s probably what your mum is doing. Maybe in the future your relationship with your sister can improve but for now I would be humble and understanding and tell myself I was taking the moral high ground and just be nice to her and endlessly forgiving (while trying to spot little opportunities to encourage change). I would even apologise to her in an attempt to reconnect. You could say you’re sorry for upsetting her and that you can never totally understand what things are like for her. Which is true! (Even though you wish she was able to listen to you without getting upset.) But I think soft power is more persuasive than winning an argument in any given moment.

I’ll do what I can. I can’t apologise totally as some of the messages she sent were very personal and shocking, but I’m not someone who holds grudges so will keep trying to be on good terms. Hopefully it all works out ok

Oh, good luck. So hard.