Bereavement is making me feel very differently about people

[marshmallowdreams]

My family have very recently suffered a traumatic and unexpected death. It's been both shocking and devastating. We are all in the throws of initial grief and are trying to support each other as best we can.

It's actually been very difficult to tell friends and acquaintances what has happened. My work have been amazingly supportive but some of my friends are making me question our relationship. Some people I thought were very close friends haven't contacted me at all. Others have sent a one line message and nothing else. Actual close family members on my partners side haven't made contact. It's not like I need much, there isn't anything anyone can actually do in this situation, but the occasional message or phone call to check in with is very much appreciated (I do have friends that are doing this). I am probably being very unreasonable but at the moment I never want to see the rubbish friends and family again!

People can be weird about death and bereavement. The fear of upsetting you further, or saying the wrong thing, makes people withdraw and say nothing at all. Or give platitudes like “I’m here if you need anything” not realising that the bereaved person doesn’t have the headspace to reach out.

Don’t make any hasty decisions or have it out with friends while the grief is still so raw. I’m sorry for your loss.

I think ppl are probably trying to give you space, rather than not giving a shit. I would probably do that too. It’s actually what I would want.

im very sorry for you op and I hope you get more support going forward. Perhaps you could reach out if you’re up to it and hopefully ppl will come running.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree with Jellycats - so many people are useless when it comes to grief and just truly don’t know how to approach to help.

When my friend suffered a shock bereavement I was not the best friend to her, I messaged her and told her to ask me for anything but I did not know how to offer or give help without seeing it as overstepping or annoying her. Luckily she was quite clear about what she needed from me and I was there 100% so our friendship has remained but I could imagine it could have gone the other way if she had struggled to be open. It was tricky to navigate.

You’re not alone in feeling like that. I found that when my mother died it made me reassess my friendships/family relationships. People fell into two categories: those who had acknowledged her passing (just a one liner to pass on condolences) And those who chose to ignore it. It’s been a year and half and the coffee/lets get together invites are floating in and I just can’t be bothered with them.

Yes, I experienced this when Dh died. Most of "our" friends disappeared. Other people have really stepped up though and awful as it was at the time, I really have found out who my friends are.

I'd like to think I'd be a better friend in the same situation, but suspect I wouldn't always get it right.

You are all right and I know all this already but I still feel a bit hurt by it. I won't be having it out with anyone but I do think it might affect the way I feel about them.

Thanks all btw. I think all I want is some acknowledgment?

I have also been through a similar death and a similar experience.
I am so sorry OP.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The Godparents of my child still haven't mentioned my mum's death three years ago. Even when we have bumped into them at social events. They really went down in my estimation and all their 'we really should catch up' platitudes never go anywhere. I'm civil but there is no friendship there anymore.

Other friends were awkward or silent at the time but were supportive when we saw them in person. They just didn't know what to say or do for the best in the early days of the bereavement.

Feeling angry is part of grief. Accept those feelings but perhaps bite your tongue for now. In time you'll see everyone's true colours. Including the people who are unexpectedly brilliant.

Acknowledgement is not very much at all, it's a perfectly reasonable expectation. But I've had similar experiences so I don't think this is unique to your or the people in your life.

People can be crap. I'm sorry.

Sometimes people do not know what to do for the best. They feel you need time to grieve with your family and do not want to impose. Do not lose friends over this. Reach out and say I appreciate you contacting me it means a lot.

I am very sorry for your loss. Some people demonstrate their inner s**t at times like this, and it can be both unexpected and hurtful. I suppose you just learn who is valuable and who isn’t going forward.

I’m sorry. People can be really crap around bereavement. Sometimes it is a great surprise who comes through for you and who doesn’t.

I totally get it. I lost some one recently. Very sudden & unexpected.
Two friends who I knew would be amazing were bloody brilliant. So thoughtful and practical and caring.
A few mates who I've know longer & thought would check in on me really didn't. I guess you never know til it happens. But it has made me think differently about the ones who stepped back. I'd supported them ( one in particular ) through some really really shitty times. And more than once

People are very uncomfortable with death, and often avoid the bereaved because they don't know what to say.

Withhold judgement until you have got over the shock and are feeling less emotional. You may find your friends will be there to help you get back out doing your normal stuff, and ready to talk to you about your loss then and help you process it when things are less raw. Or if not, you can always dump them then, but after calm consideration.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I have had the same experience. My childhood best friend didn’t even call me when my adopted dad died. What made it worse was her dad had died two years previously so it’s not like she wouldn’t have been aware that calling is appropriate and wanted.

In fact, when her dad died, although I had called her and been in regular contact up until his death (terminal diagnosis) I didn’t call her once he had actually died. I messaged her but mistakenly thought she would want space post death and would call me when ready. I had never experienced bereavement so didn’t realise how powerful someone calling can be. Now I know obviously and always make a point of reaching out.

She told me how much me not calling once he had finally passed away hurt her and how she had expected me to call and been really disappointed. I couldn’t have been more apologetic and have since apologised a few more times. Yet when the roles were reversed she didn’t call me at all!

I do still wonder if this was a passive aggressive punishment for my own lack of call.

It does give one urges to cut people off but she has remained a nice friend in other ways.

Other people who I didn’t expect called and sent flowers etc.

It does make you reassess friendships but at the same time, you’re not alone in this and we have to try not to assume or take things personally.

I am so sorry for your loss OP. I hope the coming months will ease your sense of loss. Grief cannot be hurried so roll with it and acknowledge it for what it is. Not easy. 💐

You have touched on something I’m experiencing albeit not a bereavement.
I’ve just had major surgery and all my “friends” knew.
I posted on social media that I was home and in recovery mode so many friends posted get well soon messages but since then nothing, nada, zilch.
My recovery will be long so I’m reevaluating who I can truly count on and bother with in future.
Will be interesting to see who calls or texts in a few weeks to ask “how you doing?” Not many me thinks.
Makes me sad because I am a very loyal friend.

I experienced this when I was suddenly and traumatically widowed in my 30s. It totally changed my social circle. People who I thought were friends I barely heard from. Others, in particular friends of my partner who I didn't really even think of as my friends, really stepped up.

Some posters on this thread appear to be more understanding than I was/am. For me if you couldn't be a friend to me at the worst time of my life, you're not a friend worth having, being "uncomfortable" or not knowing what to say wasn't good enough, and I've left those friendships behind in my new life.

I'm sorry for your tragic loss op 💐
I know how you feel, I had a tragic loss a couple of years ago and my husbands family didn't contact me at all and didn't even say anything to me when they saw me.
I haven't spoken much to them since and don't attend any gatherings with them.
I think situations like these shows who's nice and who's not.

Yes. You find out who your friends are when you lose someone precious.
I am sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m aware that a friend of mine probably thinks I’m a crap friend right now because as much as I offered her a shoulder and said to let me know what she needed, she hasn’t done that so I’ve assumed she doesn’t want me around. Bereavement is a tricky one to navigate and sometimes you actually have to let people know what you want.

My dad died last year and I just wanted to be left alone and then for things to carry on as normal. Some people are like that and they may be assuming the wrong thing.

One of my friends died recently and suddenly in his early 30s, and I have felt it acutely (we hadn’t been in touch in many years but at one time he was a close friend).

I debated for days on whether I should reach out to his family, and decided not to as I didn’t want to intrude on their grief. However, when one of his family members made a social media post thanking everyone for the messages I got in touch immediately as I wanted to share my condolences when I knew she would appreciate it.

It can be hard to know what to do, and it isn’t always ill intentioned.. people know they can’t make it better, but don’t want to make it worse.

I understand how you feel. I nearly lost someone in really awkward circumstances and they were in a coma for a while. And some friends were brilliant. Literally turning up to help, calling daily etc. and some just disappeared.
And it’s taken me ages to realise but now I understand, that the ones who faded Away, were the ones who either couldn’t cope with their own emotions around it (they knew the unwell person well) or they were people who in the same position as I, would want privacy and space. And they were trying to give me, wheat they would have wanted.
I was hurt and it’s taken a while to get there and understand. But I do have some insight to their behaviour now and that it was more about them than me.

It's actually been very difficult to tell friends and acquaintances what has happened

You are finding it difficult to communicate about this. It's likely others are finding it hard to know what to say to you.

It's difficult to know what to say in situations of grief but with traumatic circumstances it's probably much harder.

There are all sorts of reasons why people don't step up and care/show compassion....but sometimes they are simply fucking selfish

An ex (best) friend of mine was NEVER there for me when my parents were dying.

In the end I finished the friendship

Guess who was all over me like a rash when HER parents got very very ill

🙄