Bereavement is making me feel very differently about people

[marshmallowdreams]

My family have very recently suffered a traumatic and unexpected death. It's been both shocking and devastating. We are all in the throws of initial grief and are trying to support each other as best we can.

It's actually been very difficult to tell friends and acquaintances what has happened. My work have been amazingly supportive but some of my friends are making me question our relationship. Some people I thought were very close friends haven't contacted me at all. Others have sent a one line message and nothing else. Actual close family members on my partners side haven't made contact. It's not like I need much, there isn't anything anyone can actually do in this situation, but the occasional message or phone call to check in with is very much appreciated (I do have friends that are doing this). I am probably being very unreasonable but at the moment I never want to see the rubbish friends and family again!

Gosh you make it sound like my fault. It is difficult to tell people because it’s horrific news. I’ve personally messaged some people and my partner has messaged others. I get that it’s difficult for some people to know what to say but others have been brilliant so I don’t think a poor reaction is down to my communication style. My close relative died in terrible circumstances much too young-I’m allowed to be shocked and grieving. I’m also not asking for much just a little acknowledgment.

I think you are right to an extent. Thanks

Sorry that was to @Secondaryschoolstress

Thank you, that helped and you are very right.

Yes I do also think it’s about who is actually nice. 2 people on my husbands side have been very close to me and one in particular has received a huge amount of support from me personally very recently. Both have failed to acknowledge our awful tragedy. It feels heartless.

OP, I am so sorry you have been bereaved.

Friends may be unsure what to say, or not want to intrude. it's a mistake but a common one. When an old friend's dad died, I wrote about four cards to her and never sent one of them. I had no experience of death at the time and everything I wrote felt so trite. I deeply regret it and it took ages for our friendship to recover. I was very busy with my own problems at the time (our son was very ill with several differences very challenging problems and seemingly a new diagnosis every day) so I also knew I had no emotional space to deal with anyone else's problems, especially ones that were out of my depth. Equally - she was never in any way supportive of my son's ill health. She has no children and simply had no idea what we were dealing with.

Now years later we have become friends again - not as close as before but I think we both realise we simply didn't know how to be supportive of things we knew nothing about.

Equally would you not feel overwhelmed if everyone you knew was messaging you constantly and asking to take you for coffees etc?

It's hard to navigate. My mum is terminally ill. Friends have asked how things are and ask for updates. When she passes, life does go on.

But as you said and a poster acknowledged you can barely talk about it so how do you think your friends feel?

Sometimes giving someone space is the right thing. People don't want to be invasive.

Totally agree with this.

I agree 100%. Great post

I didn't say that i could barely acknowledge it, that is very far from the truth. I said i found it hard to tell people the awful news, that doesn't mean that I didn't do it, or my partner didn't. Also I didn't say i wanted people to bombard me. I just want some acknowledgment that an an awful thing has happened. I really don't think that is too much to Sk of good friends.

So sorry for your loss OP yes I agree people can be very strange at times. Seen this first hand I can empathise, and I agree you never forget or see those people in the same light. It was similar when I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, friends that I thought highly of, were not to be found, others were fantastic. When a life changing even happens, you find out who your true friends are.

I’m completely with you OP. I am having a very hard time with this myself right now. I’m taking some solace from the replies here. Thank you for that.

The way the person behaved in life can impact on people’s responses too. I recently had a relative die suddenly and unexpectedly in their thirties. He behaved appallingly and was money grabbing when a death happened on our side so I have sent the trite one liner to his wife aa anything else felt fake.

I experienced this after the suicide of my brother. Consequently I've sacked some people off, including some family members, I've grown closer to others. I don't tolerate the same people as much as I did before. Perhaps it's a life's too short to put up with that shit anymore approach. I don't know.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I think you're being a bit unfair. What are you expecting? many people don't know how to deal with death/loss. Don't know what to say for the best. A one-liner of are you ok / I'm thinking of you, shows thought and care, is good enough. What exactly do you want and have you thought of why you want this?

I get it OP, I think I come from a culture where we are relatively open about death and grieving. A friend recently and very traumatically lost her dear and amazing brother. I messaged her when I heard the news and said I would be coming round at some point. Then for about 4 days I kept trying her house until she was in one day.

Having lost my own father at a young age (he was in his 40s) I could understand a little of the raw grief stage and when I saw my friend it was utterly devastating to see her this way, we went for a walk the other day and the grief is still strong of course it is it’s only been a few months. But I know from my own loss that what you need is just someone to listen.

Please don’t write off your friends I know from losing my dad that some people ‘got it’ others just didn’t. People who don’t get in touch is because I think they feel they have to say the right thing and don’t know what to say.

I’m sure over time people will get in touch. Sending love at this incredibly difficult time.

I was in the same situation but then when l looked back to my own behaviour during someone else's bereavement l felt a little ashamed. I had no idea until l lost my husband how totally devastating a close loss is. Now l try a lot harder to be there for them.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

This does come up regularly on here. Some will be shit friends, combined with being absorbed in their own lives.

But generally we’ve lost the ‘formula’ we used to have for dealing with death and bereavement. In the ‘olden’ days there would be lying in and a local church and everyone local attending the funeral etc (ok I’m not sure exactly what but I have a vague sense!). It certainly would be rare to be an adult and not have gone through this for a sibling, parent or grandparent. We don’t even send cards anymore.

So people don’t know how to deal with it. They can’t send a message asking if you’re ok, because obviously you’re not. They might not know the standard words like ‘sorry for your loss’, which feel hollow anyway. They don’t know what to say, even more so if it’s been unexpected and traumatic. They’ll assume you are supporting and being supported by your family. And some will be crap friends.

My best friend’s dad has recently died and I’ve been there for her literally and figuratively. But if it was a friend who is part of a wider a friendship group it might be just a message. And in fact I’m ashamed to say you’ve reminded me to send a message as I heard a couple of days ago via another friend that a friend has lost their parent.

The people who were most important to me when DH died were those who just turned up. Took their cue from me as to whether to stay but arrived on the doorstep with cake and were prepared to sit and chat or go out for a walk, or not.

I know it's well intended when people say "you know where I am", but when does anyone ever follow that up?.

I understand lots of people won't feel comfortable just turning up though and I've never been that person for others, but a couple of those have become really good friends since, whereas the "you know where I am" friends have drifted off.

Very well said. The abandonment by loved ones and friends in your hour of need is truly a grief all of its own, and yet extremely common.

Also very true what a PP said about the loss of common rituals around death.

Some people (also in this thread) say you should ask for what you need but it's almost impossible when you are in a state of deep grief to make yourself even more vulnerable by doing so; the mere fact of having to ask for it seems to amplify the loneliness of being bereaved.

A traumatic bereavement is just awful OP and I wish you every courage and comfort going forward.