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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

4 year old son coming to my stillborn son's funeral.

39 replies

gemloving · 30/08/2023 09:08

Hi Mumsnet, I don't have much experience with this, not sure many have but wanted to hear your opinions.

I have two children, 4 & 2 years old. Two wonderful boys. My third boy was stillborn 2 1/2 weeks ago almost at full term.

The funeral is in 2 weeks, my eldest starts school next week.

My mother in law went to a funeral for her stillborn niece in the 80s and she said that it was very traumatic and everyone there was completely distraught and it makes me think: Should my 4 year old be there? I just don't know what's right or wrong. My own mother and MIL said to think about it and think what's best for my child but I don't know. I probably should know but I don't :(

I know it will be one of the worst days of my life, nobody should have to go through this.

OP posts:

purplebluediscorain · 30/08/2023 09:13

I personally wouldn’t take a child that age because I wouldn’t want them to be exposed to it at such a young age but everyone is different. I am sending you so much love and kindness I can’t imagine how you’re feeling and I do get why your questioning it because all you want to do is cuddle and hold your babies when you need to but a funeral isn’t the right place however If the 4 year old understands what happened it may be different. But I just don’t know if it’s right or fair to let them see us as their parents so hurt upset. Obviously they will at some point be exposed but not sure? I hope you’re getting there op! Xx

WinterDeWinter · 30/08/2023 09:15

I’m so so sorry for your loss @gemloving.

StillOrSparklingMadam · 30/08/2023 09:17

Hello OP, I saw your other thread about your baby son and I’m so sorry for your loss. I really am.

I attended a funeral for a baby in the 80s when I was about 11 or 12 and while it was very sad (it was a funeral!) it was a beautiful experience and I didn’t find it at all traumatic. The traumatic part was the baby having died (SIDS at 3 months old). The funeral was then a way of processing that and honouring his precious little self.

Obviously your older son is only 4 but my point is that it isn’t necessarily going to be traumatic.

My children are bizarrely quiet and well-behaved and we took them to a funeral aged 2 and 4, with clear directions beforehand regarding who was going to take them out the second they were no longer on board in whatever form that might take! It was probably a “good” experience for my 4yo son, it helped him to start to make sense of what had happened.

I’m not surprised you don’t know what’s best for your 4yo with everything you’ve been through recently. Please don’t blame yourself for that.

Whataretheodds · 30/08/2023 09:18

I was reading an Instagram post yesterday about how to teach children about death in a constructive way, and one of the points was to let them see you grieving, and then carrying on with life so that they understands that you can be sad when someone dies and still carry on.

If it were an elderly relative I'd say take him - people are less likely to be in bits and easier to explain people being sad.

That said, if you are likely to be inconsolable at the funeral then that itself might be quite distressing for your 4 year old.

I don't think there's necessarily a right or wrong decision.

Northernsouloldies · 30/08/2023 09:19

No advice I'm afraid. I'm sorry for your loss and the dilemma you're facing.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 30/08/2023 09:20

I didn't take my at the time 7 year old . I think it's a very personal choice. Sorry for your loss x

BiddyPop · 30/08/2023 09:21

I'm sorry for your loss.

The Winston's wish website may be a good place to get some advice - it's aimed at supporting children who are going through a bereavement.

Original poster

gemloving · 30/08/2023 09:21

@purplebluediscorain I had to read a lot about grief in children and he knows his brother died (plain/ very direct language is necessary as saying "born sleeping" can be very confusing).

We talk about Noah (our son who has just passed) and our eldest does say things and contribute, so he does understand but how much does he really understand, and how permanent it is. He has seen me cry and I tell him that it's ok for mummy to be upset sometimes because she misses his baby brother. He then asks if we can't just buy a new baby or put a new baby in my tummy. It's all very innocent and he's just trying to make me feel better. I love my children so much, what's happened has made me appreciate what I have so much more whilst dealing with such great loss.

Sorry if I went off topic here x

OP posts:

pilates · 30/08/2023 09:22

I’m sorry for your loss. In your situation I don’t think I would.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 30/08/2023 09:22

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your son and had to go through such a sad experience.

Im wondering whether you have someone who the children are close to, who isn’t grieving in the same way that you are? A close friend or a cousin? Who could be responsible for them on the day? And who wouldn’t worry them by being very upset themselves.

That would allow you to focus on the service and your grieving. The children could come for the first bit - maybe if there are some hymns or something nice - could go out for the second part of the service- and then come to the wake. The person with the kids could decide what was best for them on the day.

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 09:23

I think I'd ask Winston's Wish for age-appropriate advice. Your MIL's experience is of another person crucially in another decade. She may have had no emotional support before, during or after the funeral for example.

I am so sorry for your loss

https://www.winstonswish.org/

StillOrSparklingMadam · 30/08/2023 09:23

Back again trying to approach this in a slightly different way. What’s best for YOU, OP? Obviously it would not be best for your 4yo to have you clinging to him like a teddy bear (am not suggesting that’s what you’re planning of course), but short of that, what is going to work for YOU to deal with your loss as a mother? How do you picture yourself - I’m so sorry to put it like this - at the funeral? What do YOU need?

When you have young children they are never far from your mind and whether your 4yo is at the funeral or not, an excellent carer is going to be essential. Is that in place?

FixTheBone · 30/08/2023 09:23

We took all of our children, who would have been 1, 4, 5, 8, 9 and 15 when their sister was still born at near term.

The hospital chaplain and bereavement nurse at our hospital were amazing in preparing a funeral and our children (and us) to be able to get through the day. They both visited at home to help with arrangements and included the other kids, even our 4 year old in the planning.

AnIndianWoman · 30/08/2023 09:26

The funeral of a child isn’t the same as other funerals. You and the people around you will be distraught. I personally wouldn’t let either of the boys come

Gnomegnomegnome · 30/08/2023 09:28

I agree with @StillOrSparklingMadam what is best for you? Regardless of whether your 4 year old is there or not it’s going to be a sad day.

I’m sorry for your loss of baby Noah.

AiryFairy1 · 30/08/2023 09:35

So sorry for your loss, OP.

My 2yo baby brother died when I was nearly 4 and I went to the funeral service, but not the graveside (my granny took me back to her house to “help make the tea” - they were all going there afterwards)

He’d been very sick, so maybe a different situation. But I remember bits of the day and kind of glad (now) I was there.

SirVixofVixHall · 30/08/2023 09:39

I am so sorry to read that you have lost your baby boy.
My dds have been to quite a few funerals, grandparents and older relatives mainly, but also the funeral of a child they knew, when they were about 6 and 8.
Dd first went to a funeral aged almost two. I agree with a pp that seeing grief and how people do manage to keep going even through immense emotional pain, is part of life and can be less scary than being at home and not knowing what happens. The support shown at a funeral can be touching to see and comforting.
If you decide to take him and possibly his little brother, talking through it through beforehand can help, telling them that people will cry and be sad, but that is normal and how we feel when someone dies . It helps to know what to expect at a funeral in terms of structure too.
Having support there for you is really important, other people seated near you and your DH, such as your Mum, who can also talk to your little boy/s and distract if necessary. Everyone there will want to show their love and care for you all, so you and your sons will be surrounded by love.

Littlebelina · 30/08/2023 09:41

So sorry for your loss.

We sent our (then) 5 year old to school rather than his sister's funeral (ours was a neonatal death rather than still birth so he had met her). I think, in retrospect, he would have been OK going partly due to the minister, the child he is plus he knew his sister was very ill, going to die in advance. I don't think it would have been traumatic. However I don't regret him not being there as he was still so young.

Perhaps talk through with who ever is leading service? Or just bring to wake if you are having one?

FrillyGoatFluff · 30/08/2023 09:41

When we lost our daughter at 22 weeks, only DH and I went to her funeral. We didn't feel DSDs 16 and 10 at the time (who are with us full time) needed to see us in such a state. Nobody else came; we didn't want them too. Possibly an unusual decision but felt right for us at the time.

We didn't even tell them until a long time afterwards, they didn't question it. They went off to school as normal and we had time to go, and compose ourselves to a certain extent afterwards.

Heartfelt sympathy for you and your family, I hope you're all doing as ok as you can xxx

TheCatterall · 30/08/2023 09:42

@gemloving massive squishes.

would it make you feel better having them both with you?

would his innocent questions and statements and little chatter possibly be too much for you on the day?

at 4 I think he can be part of the grieving conversation and experience but doesn’t need to be at the funeral for that if you would struggle with him there.

hes 4. I took my 4 year old to a funeral of my Nan and we just kept the language really simple about what was going on. Talked about heaven etc. those men were taking her to heaven etc… I’m not sure I would have been composed enough to deal with him if it was one of my children’s funerals.

there is no right or wrong answer here. It’s what feels right for you.

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 30/08/2023 09:43

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think this is a very personal decision to make. My feelings are that it would be distressing for him to see everyone so upset, and it will be horrifically difficult for you as it is, you deserve to grieve naturally, without worrying about the impact it will have on your eldest.

Going home to him after will be just the tonic you will need.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/08/2023 09:43

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision here. If you do decide to take him, I agree with having someone there to support/look after him so that you can focus freely on your own grief.

This is such a hard situation. I don't blame you for not knowing what's best.

JaninaDuszejko · 30/08/2023 09:46

Your child has already experienced the death of their sibling, they have already seen you go through the first raw stage of grief. The funeral will not be any more traumatic than what they have already experienced and I think they should go. You, your DH and your children are the chief mourners at this funeral and everyone else is there to support you and should take their lead from you. Your parents and in laws can help with the DC if needed but I think it's an important ritual for your children to formally say goodbye to their sibling.

Your MIL's experience of the funeral of a niece is not the same.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/08/2023 09:47

Normally I'm for children going to funerals. However, this a funeral for your much loved baby boy. You won't be able to support your 4 year old. I'd leave him with someone who can answer any questions in an age appropriate way. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Besthaveanamechange · 30/08/2023 09:49

Im so sorry for your loss. My DD died before birth and I didn’t bring my older DD to the funeral because I needed that space to grieve openly without worrying about the effect on her of witnessing my raw grief.

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