4 year old son coming to my stillborn son's funeral.

[gemloving]

Hi Mumsnet, I don't have much experience with this, not sure many have but wanted to hear your opinions.

I have two children, 4 & 2 years old. Two wonderful boys. My third boy was stillborn 2 1/2 weeks ago almost at full term.

The funeral is in 2 weeks, my eldest starts school next week.

My mother in law went to a funeral for her stillborn niece in the 80s and she said that it was very traumatic and everyone there was completely distraught and it makes me think: Should my 4 year old be there? I just don't know what's right or wrong. My own mother and MIL said to think about it and think what's best for my child but I don't know. I probably should know but I don't :(

I know it will be one of the worst days of my life, nobody should have to go through this.

So sorry OP. The only thing I'd add is a very good friend of mine lost their third baby at full term and took both their children aged 2 and 4 to the funeral. They involved them in the service, sang a song that their children liked and said a prayer together. It's a very personal choice, but for them it was important to be all together in that moment and be able to reflect about it years later knowing they were all part of the service. It took tremendous courage but they are so glad they did it. Sending my love.

I think this is one of the "it takes a village" moments where you need to lean on some other grownups and your 4yo learns to lean on other grownups as well as you.

When my goddaughter's baby brother was stillborn, my primary role at that baby's funeral was looking after my goddaughter and making sure she was ok and could leave if she needed to, so that her mum and dad could do what they needed to confident that their daughter was ok.

Does your 4yo have a godparent or similar special adult in their lives who can take this role? A 4yo may be only able to deal with 5-10 minutes of the actual event and then need to so some drawing or go and get hamburgers or donuts or whatever re-grounds them. If they are spending the day with Aunty Sue and maybe spending a few minutes of that time saying goodbye to baby brother who but generally doing other things, then that's ok.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think that a small child needs a different kind of space to process a loss like this. And you need to be able to mourn in your own way without having to suppress your feelings.

You know your family situation best and I wouldn't criticise you for dealing with it in a way that feels right for you.

I'm so sorry Noah died. And that you're having to make decisions nobody should have to.

I was very distraught on the day of my babies' funeral and I think a child would have found that difficult to see. I know he will have seen you very upset already but if he has never been to a funeral before he will struggle to understand what's happening. It may lead to lots of questions that you could possibly do without at that time.

And with the added factor that he will have started school the week before it might be better for his routine and settling there to just go to school as normal. Maybe speak to the Sands advice line or try asking on their online forum.

I personally wouldn’t but more because I would be distraught and wouldn’t want to feel like I had to hold myself together for my child.

I’d probably do some sort of “goodbye” with my child at another time in a child appropriate way.

I think it's absolutely fine, and even positive, to bring children to funerals.

However in this case I wonder if him being there will be distracting for you. It's ok to put yourself first, so which would you find easier? Having him with you, or being able to concentrate on little Noah?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss. My perspective is slightly different as the sibling of a stillborn baby - I was 7 when he died. I desperately wanted to go to the funeral and wasn’t allowed. I know my parents did consider it but ultimately my DM felt she needed the space to be able to grieve as a mother without having to protect me, if that makes sense.

I would think first of all about what is right for you. I would also think about what your older child might want and feel comfortable with, depending on how aware and involved he has been so far. And other people’s suggestions about whether there are other adults close to your children who could support them are very wise. In your shoes, I wouldn’t take them if I was the only person they could lean on. But there isn’t a right or wrong answer here, it’s what is best for you and your family.

Wishing you strength and love

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through ❤️ my friend sadly lost her baby at 5 days old. Her eldest was a very inquisitive, intelligent and highly aware little girl. She had met her sister, although she had been very poorly at birth and her prognosis was always very poor, so her parents felt it would be helpful for her to go to the funeral. It was just the 3 of them, others paid their respects in their own way, privately, which I can imagine helped to lessen the distress the sibling witnessed.

The eldest sibling speaks of her sister often, and they have a saying/phrase that brings her comfort, which I won't say here as its very personal and therefore outing, but it was a connection that came about at the funeral.

I think it depends also on the type of service you have chosen - a small intimate informal service with just very close family is quite different to a full funeral service. I host funerals (church) and unfortunately have had babies but families have simply gathered up in the quire, just a dozen people max and it's been informal (no robes even) and I have sometimes had siblings in my office "helping" me or their parents brought a friend to look after them and take them outside to look for butterflies etc.

Hi All, thank you so much for your messages & condolences.

One of the church leaders came to our home today and we've decided to not bring the children. I appreciate this is very personal.
The Funeral is on Thursday and I will prepare a little "service" at home to say our goodbyes with the children on Saturday. We will plant a tree, roses, put an engraved stone down, then send bubbles and two balloons to heaven.

That sounds like a lovely idea @gemloving. I hope this and the funeral bring you some small comfort.

No advice other than to say I'm so very sorry for your loss ♥️

@gemloving thank you so much for taking the time to give us an update.

I’m so pleased for you that you have come to a decision. You and your partner are the best and only judges of what’s right for you and your children. The private commemoration of Noah with your two older children sounds lovely. 💐

I'm so sorry for the loss of Noah, such a lovely name 💙 I completely understand your decision.

We lost our little boy in 2020 when ours daughter was 2 and we decided against her being at his service, firstly because I just didn't know how badly I was going to react and secondly, and maybe a bit selfishly, I didn't want to have to worry about how they were feeling at that moment. I wanted to concentrate on my own grief, she did come to the wake afterwards though and we told her it was a little get together to remember her brother with family and I was pleased she could be involved in that way.

I hope that it goes ok and is everything you need it to be for your beautiful little boy.