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Original poster

Friend lost baby today at 39 weeks. What do I do?

34 replies

JODIEhavingababy · 29/02/2008 21:14

My Best friend lost her baby today at 39 weeks pregnant, although she's still waiting to be induced. I'm not sure of the ins and outs, but another friend of ours is a midwife so she found out abit more. She's basically had to have a tablet today to stop the pregnancy hormone and go back in 2 days for her inducment.

Anyway, I don't know what do do for her. I'm 21 weeks pregnant myself, so I'm sure I'm the last person she wants to see at the moment, I have sent her a text to say I'm thnking of her and her boyfriend, but I'd like to buy her something ot do something, and I'm stuck to what..... If I call her I'll be in tears and I'm sure that is EXACTLY what she doesn't need now, anyway her DP, Mum and Dad are there at the moment.... What do I do without being to patronising?

Sorry for long rambling post, but I'm not thinking straight...

OP posts:
CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 29/02/2008 21:23

Hello

I am so sorry for your friend.I lost a little girl at 25 weeks 3 years ago.The movments stopped, a scan detected she had died and I was given a tablet and induced two days later.We had to register her birth and death and have a funeral.

The most important thing to me then and now is that she was acknowldged as my daughter.We called her Philippa and I like to talk about her today and I know some people are uncomfortable with that but I dont care.I already had a daughter so was already a mum but if this was your friends first baby its very inmportant that she is acknowldeged as a mum and always will be.

I went on to have a little boy 12 weeks ago so feel v v blessed.But I will say I have three children,its important that Philippa is remembered.

You sound like a very very thoughtful friend and congratulations on your pregnancy.I know you will feel awkward but dont shy away and let this spoil your own experience.
x

lizandlulu · 29/02/2008 21:24

oh thats awful. im so sorry for your friend.
could you buy her some flowers? but maybe they would be a bit too 'cheerful'?
could you not just write her a little note inside a black card saying you are thinking of her,you know there is nothing you can do, but you are there for her if she needs you.

i think this is what i would want if it were me

Original poster
JODIEhavingababy · 29/02/2008 21:26

THanks CHOCOLATEPEANUT for that, and I'm sorry for your loss, and yes it is/was her first baby.

I'll go and see her next week I think, do I take flowers? Chocolates? Card?

OP posts:
saadia · 29/02/2008 21:27

I think a card would be best, .

sweetheart · 29/02/2008 21:28

Hi Jodie,

Sorry to hear of your firends loss - it must be hard for you too, especially being pregnant yourself.

I lost a baby at 16 weeks and that was bad enough so I cannot imagine what your friend is going through!

From my experience I know I couldn't face anyone for a while and wanted to come to terms with things myself before having to see people - I really wanted to be able to hold myself together.

I would advise that you let her know that you are there for her when she is ready to contact you and that if you can do anything in the meantime just to drop you a text or something.

She will have all her family rallying round her at the moment and thats probably as much as she can take right now.

At our babies funeral we also wanted to go alone as no-one (apart from me and dh) had met our baby so we felt it was a very personal thing. We allowed our parents to come but that was it so be sure to take a back seat for a while.

Hope this helps
SH xxx

Original poster
JODIEhavingababy · 29/02/2008 21:29

Sorry liznadlou crossed post. I was thinking that about flowers too. I will pop a card in for her, I just can't even begin to imagine how she's feeling...

OP posts:
superlative · 29/02/2008 21:31

how about taking a suitable box (boy girl or neutral pattern) for all their keepsakes?

pofaced · 29/02/2008 21:32

How awful for you both... I had a miscarriage a long time ago at a much earlier stage and when I spoke to my mum on the phone she said "there really isn't anything I can say" which was absolutely the most appropriate thing anyone said (especially compared to all the scientist BILs who tried to rationalise it) A distant colleague of my husband sent who I had never met sent me a beautiful bunch of red roses which at least gave us some sense of thoughtfulness. TBH I don't think there's much you can do/ buy but an actual short phone call rather than a text would probably be appreciated tomorrow: detailed conversations can wait. My experience was significantly less traumatic than your poor friend but what kept us going was a sense of solidarity/ thoughtfulness from others but also an awareness that it was really an intensely private thing between my DH and I and we needed to have our privacy respected. Time is not always a great healer: it just makes us grieve at different stages and this is the most significant thing that can ever happen your friend, even with hopefully future successful pregnancies so be considerate for a long time and never ask if they are planning another baby, even in 3 years time. Just be there for her. And of course, good luck yourself and try to separate your concern for your friend with your own baby

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 29/02/2008 21:35

My sisters friend lost a baby around this time
My sister and her friends donated to a charity in the babies honour, and just let the girl know they were going to be there for her when she was ready.

So sorry to hear about your friends loss

StripeyMamaSpanx · 29/02/2008 21:36

My good friend lost her baby at 8 months - we were due the same week and it was really really sad and difficult for me to know how to approach her. At the time we didn't know each other that well, our partners were very old friends though. I really didn't expect them to want to see me, in fact I felt appallingly guilty in a way - I hadn't even wanted to get pregnant, yet there I was with my healthy bump.

In the end, we went along to the tree planting they had on their little boy's due date - I was unsure about going, being nine months pregnant, but they both insisted that we were wanted there. We took bulbs to plant (it was early March), and I was so glad we'd gone. It was a beautiful day, so so sad but still so beautiful, so much love and laughter and tears all at once.

I'd send a card expressing your sympathy and saying that you are always there. And when you do see her, don't be afraid to mention their baby, because my friend told me that it meant so much to her when people actually acknowledged her son's existence rather than smiling and skirting round the subject. Send some flowers (I'd say living ones, bulbs, that sort of thing) or maybe get a tree planted for them?

Best wishes to you and for the rest of your pregnancy.

hertsnessex · 29/02/2008 21:38

I got a tree planted in my friends babys name thru the national forest, they found it a comfort.

there isnt alot you can do

xx

PeachesMcLean · 29/02/2008 21:40

Jodie, if she's your best friend, try to go and see her as soon as possible. OK, so you're pregnant, but she might be feeling awful that you might be thinking what happened to her might happen to you. You know that's highly unlikely, these things are rare after all, but she might feel awkward too. (I know this from personal experience).

But it's difficult to second guess how she'll feel. She might feel very jealous and not want to set eyes on you in your condition. It might be too much for her to deal with right now. But try and see her, she'll appreciate it in the long term that you did what you could. Get a sense of how she's feeling and if necessary, blub your eyes out together. Remember, it's highly extremely unlikely that the same will happen to you. These are two different pregnancies. Hope that makes some vague sense. Awful situation for her.

Hopeysgirlwasntbig · 29/02/2008 21:41

Oh god how awful. I'm so sad for your friend and for you. I think all you can do is tell her you'll be there for her as much as she needs you or if she needs space you'll understand.

So Sorry

tatt · 29/02/2008 21:44

Phone her. If you're too upset to speak to her text to say that. But you need to say you'd like to be with her but you're worried it may upset her. Saying I'm thinking of you is a platitude people trot out, it doesn't mean anything. Just be open with her and if she's willing to see you go and have a good cry together.

Later you might direct her to websites where people post memorials, encourage her with tree planting or something and point out that she'll probably go on to have healthy children. At the moment it's probably too soon.

Original poster
JODIEhavingababy · 29/02/2008 22:53

Thanks for all your lovely posts. I will text or call her tomorrow to see how she is. I don't want to see her until she's had the baby, which will be possibly Sunday. Planting a tree in the memory is a nice idea, but like you said, it's a really personal time for her and her partner so I'll leave the ball in her court for a while and play it by ear.

Thanks all again.

OP posts:
kee27 · 29/02/2008 23:21

do u kow what hun i lost my baby a 39 weeks and ll i could think abot was what was i gona say to ppl when they come round and see all the baby bits out but sum how no one asked they just give me loads of soupport and helped me get on with my life allthough i never put scarlett to the bk of my mind i knew she was in the beast place but dont to worry hun ur m8 wont hate u coz ur prgnant my advice is to talk bout her baby as a pearson and to let her greave in her own way she will soon come to turms with what has happend my lill angel is free to do what she ant now that the way i see it

PeachesMcLean · 01/03/2008 00:13

Kee that's both sad and lovely. I completely agree, thank you. So sorry to hear about your baby.

wools · 01/03/2008 10:09

Jodie - My best friend's baby girl was stillborn.
She gave birth to her this morning at 12.40 although she knew on Wednesday she had died.

I can honestly say this is the most tragic experience I have ever been through. I have yet to speak to her as she is not up to talking yet although I texted her to let her know I'm there whenever she is ready. I think I will buy her a box for her to store all her memories of her beautiful daughter.

I know you will do the right thing. Take care.

DloeufyDoo · 01/03/2008 10:13

Agree with chocolatepeanut.My daughter was born prematurely and died 2 weks later.My friend had just had a baby girl and I was delighted that she visited me at home...my hv thought it wasn't healthybut I was glad to be treated normally and to be able to have my daughter acknowledged.You sound like a lovely friend.Try not to worry too much,do what feels right.

Original poster
JODIEhavingababy · 01/03/2008 19:12

Thanks for all your wise words, I feel much more positive about seeing her now. She still hasn't had the baby yet, although she has been given the tablets to induce her this morning. (I think it's even harder she'll probably 'give birth' on Mothers Day) But she's coping better today. Our midwife friend has been into see her...

OP posts:
Mummywannabe · 01/03/2008 19:15

Jodie - i'm on your anti-natal thread but thought it was more appropriate to reply here. How terribly sad. I don't have any other advice to offer really. A very dear friend of mine lost a baby a few years back and didn't feel able to talk to anyone, every few days or so i left her a voice message telling her i was thinking of her and that i was here when she needed me. She tells me that it was helpful. I think drop off a card and let her know when she is ready you will be there.

Hugs to you too - it must be hard for you too, all you can do is be there for her.

sweetkitty · 01/03/2008 19:19

Jodie - I had a close friend whose daughter died at birth, I sent a card and flowers and went to visit her as well (wasn't pregnant but had a baby). The thing that got to her was people just didn't know what to say to her and would cross the street to avoid her also if she was in a cafe and someone had a baby with them they would try and hide it from her, this made her feel worse as if they thought she was wanting to steal her baby. I got pregnant about 4 months after her daughter died she was delighted for me. It's not anyone else's baby she wanted but her baby. She knew life goes on and she couldn't avoid babies.

Send a card and some flowers tell her you are thinking of her, there whenever she needs you, give her some space to grieve but dont' feel you have to hide yourself away, she wouldn't want that.

Poor poor girl makes you realise how lucky you are sometimes.

WingsofanAngel · 01/03/2008 19:28

I've never been in this position, but would a card marking the birth be appropriate, just something to acknowledge her baby was born.
I don't know if she would have a box of memories for the baby. Will the hospital take photos and take hand and foot prints.

Original poster
JODIEhavingababy · 01/03/2008 20:50

Yes the hospital will take hand and foot prints and try for a lock of hair. She will also get to keep her baby with her for about 24 hours and take photos cuddle, cry, etc. They will also organise and pay for the funeral.

OP posts:
mamazee · 01/03/2008 21:12

I am so so sorry for your friend.
I agree with pofaced. be honest and tell her you don't know what to say.that words are inadequate.
flowers are a nice idea but i reckon something
like roses or lilies i don't like shiny bright flowers if i am low.
think that in the midst of this terrible sadness your wee baby will be a ray of hope and positivity. something to balence out the tragedy.
take care of yourself, it is really traumatic for you and you need to keep strong and calm for your new child.
i think the idea of buying her a box is lovely.
if you can cope with it i would say go and see her as soon as you can as , in my experience, the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be.