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Original poster

Dad died today

89 replies

Sycamoretree · 24/02/2008 21:39

I've mentioned here and there on other threads that my dad was very ill. He'd been fighting cancer since his diagnosis last May. He died at the hospice this morning. No one was with him, which is just so sad - we have been visiting morning, afternoon and evening, but somehow we missed it. I just have no idea what to feel - it's very surreal. We have known he would die for so long, and we haven't been able to communicate to him for over a week, but I still can't quite make sense of what has happened.

OP posts:
pagwatch · 25/02/2008 18:09

so sorry for your loss.
My dad dies in a hospice three years ago.
Again he died just before anyone was due in to visit in the morning.
I know he hated us seeing him ill and 'vulnerable' after being the patriarch as it were.
I believe quite sincerely it was his last choice.

Thinking of you during this time .

harpsichordcarrier · 25/02/2008 18:10

I am very loss for your loss sycamore tree
sending love
HC xx

winestein · 25/02/2008 18:11

My Dad died of cancer just over a year ago. He died just after we had all left for the evening. My mum and I have recently spoken about our regret for not staying - but we just didn't know - no one did.

I did a reading at his funeral, and I managed to hold it together - I had asked the vicar if he would take over if I lost it, and knowing that and knowing that I was doing it for my dad, I made it. If you feel you want to do a reading my advice is to try to do it - with backup.

Sorry for both of your losses. You will be able to start grieving properly after you have said goodbye properly at the funeral.

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 25/02/2008 19:10

Thank you pagwatch - having read so many posts here from MNnetters who have also lost parents in this way, it does seem as though it might not be a cruel coincidence that dad passed before we got there for our morning visit. We didn't have to drive there in the knowledge that he had died. I think I will try to write something, as you said, winestein, and see if there is someone who can take over if I don't manage it. That seems like a good idea.

OP posts:
Rubyrubyruby · 26/02/2008 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eliza2 · 26/02/2008 17:50

I've heard this, too, that people will die when they're alone to save the family the pain.

I'm so sorry for you and will be thinking of your family.

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 27/02/2008 16:10

sycamore just wanted to say i will be thinking of you tomorrow x

allatsea · 27/02/2008 16:26

thinking of you tomorrow sycamore and you on Friday Halster.
My brother and I wrote about Mum and Dad for their funerals and my brother read them. It was quite cathartic and ate into some of the numbness we were feeling. We weren't a very demonstrative family and didn't talk about how we felt. I felt better for telling everyone just how special they both were, it was like writing a letter to them telling them how we felt about them.

I do hope the funerals go well,{{{{{}}}}}

allatsea · 27/02/2008 16:43

A friend sent me this when my Dad died - I couldn't find it on the internet to put in a link so I've just inserted the text. I hope it helps

Whether we are four or forty, sixteen or sixty, the death of a parent is a life-changing event. Being human is filled with times of difficulty and times of joy. Both times become more complicated when one of our parents dies.
Our feelings are not always obvious to others. We show our overt reactions and feelings, but there are many parts to our grief that remain invisible, unseen by others. Sometimes we may feel sad and cry in front of others, yet not all of us do and not all of the time.
Words fail us when we attempt to explain how we feel disoriented and somehow smaller in a world grown-so- large. Yet, we identify when someone puts words to this sense of being stranded and minimized. And for young individuals who have experienced the death of a parent, this sense of being out-of-step can last well into their adult lives. It is described as not knowing some important piece of information, of not belonging or not being a part of things.
Having a parent die when we are very young affects us throughout life. Being a young adult when our parent dies also sets the stage for a long lasting impact. Being a mature adult when we first experience the death of a parent may lessen the number of years we are affected, but not necessarily lessen the impact of the loss on our lives.
Regardless of our age when a parent dies, we lose the person we thought we were. We are definitely different. We must transcend the loss and integrate the experience into our new self. In a sense the old me dies and the new me evolves.

HTH

halster · 28/02/2008 09:54

Thinking of you today Sycamoretree - hope it can go as well as can be expected.

Allatsea - thank you so much - those words are very helpful. Thank you.

missorinoco · 28/02/2008 10:04

i am so sorry sycamore and halster.

my father also died when no one was in the room. my mum had just slipped out to make a cup of coffee and he went. i also believe it is easier for some people to slip away when there is no one there.

i watched my father fade away and die, and even though he suffered at the end and his death was a release, i still felt shock that he was actually gone.

my thoughts are with you both especially over the next two days.

huge hug. {{{{}}}}

Cam · 28/02/2008 10:08

Sycamore and Halster

sparklesandnowinefor9months · 29/02/2008 09:41

halster - i shall be thinking of you today, take care x

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 29/02/2008 15:17

Halster - thinking of you today also. Yesterday was so tough, but I am proud of the way everyone got through it. I read something I wrote in the end. Goodness knows where I found the strength but it came from somewhere. I miss my dad so much - I am finding it difficult to comprehend his absence, and the permanence of his absence, but this all takes time, I'm sure. I hope todays helps you take a baby step forward in dealing with your grief.

OP posts:
FloriaTosca · 29/02/2008 15:28

Sycamoretree; I was in your shoes exactly one year ago...the 1st anniversary of my dad passing from cancer will be a week on Monday.
I know just how you feel and if it is any consolation my Mum, brother and I nursed Dad in the living room at home and we were all with him for the last 48 hours, from when he lapsed into a coma...but he slipped away as we took our lunch dishes into the kitchen together. He went when he was ready to go...your Dad did the same. You and your family have all my sympathy and condolences.

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 29/02/2008 18:09

Thanks for posting Floria - your family were so brave to do all that at home. It must have been your dad's choice to pass whilst you were out of the room - there can't be another explanation. I take some comfort from that re my dad. A year on, are you any nearer accepting the fact that you will never see your dad again? I am finding that concept so hard to get my head around.

OP posts:
dizzydance · 29/02/2008 18:19

My dad died of cancer 2 weeks ago. I still can't believe it although we knew it was going to happen. We had the funeral last week and interred the ashes today. I am still feeling a little numb and can't believe I won't see him again. I have started to think about him when he was well rather than the last few months when he was really ill. He was only 65. My mum has been so brave and we are doing all we can to help her. They were always together, we are such a close family.

FloriaTosca · 29/02/2008 21:23

Dizzydance; my deepest condolences to you and your family too

Sycamore;to tell the truth circumstances have meant I didn't "deal" with everything properly...I was 10 weeks pregnant when he passed (he didnt know because I had had a late m/c 6 months previously which upset him almost as much as me) and we had the post mortem and inquest to endure (mesothelioma is an industrial injury) and then the birth of his first grandchild... it has been a difficult year; every anniversary, birthdays, wedding anniversary (it would have been their 50th), Christmas etc hurts like hell...I'm told it gets better after the first 12 months...sorry I can't be more positive. All I can say is that I dont cry as hard or as often as I did. We are a very close family, he will always be missed...but that in itself is a tribute to the wonderful person he was and the memories are good ones, the fear and dread of the inevitable during those last 3 months has been pushed to the back of the memory pile.
We did a lot of things differently this year to help us cope...like Christmas dinner at my house rather than at Mums where there would have been an obviously empty chair...
His grandson, for a middle name, bears his grandfathers name, and sometimes the unfairness of it all washes over me...Dad should have been here to see what a wonderful little chap he is...but Dads genes live on through him and he gives my Mum a focus in life now she no longer has the love of her life by her side....
In a nutshell the loss, for me, doesn't seem to have lessened but I've become used to it, the pain has become more bearable...his legacy is that I live my life the way he taught me to, and I will teach my son to do the same. I do now accept the fact that I wont see him again in this life but he walks with me every day. I hope you find comfort in your memories too.

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 01/03/2008 15:32

How sad Floria - My DS came along a month before we found out my dad was terminal, so I feel blessed they got to meet each other - I already have a DD 2.6 yrs. Have spent my maternity leave up and down the motorway with a babe and toddler in tow. It has been fraught, impossibly sad, unfair and soul destroying, but I wouldn't change anything I did to make sure I saw as much of my dad as possible. DS also has his grandad's name. Thanks for posting - it may seem strange to say it, but there is some comfort in not feeling like the only person unlucky enough in the world for this to happen to. And I think if others have endured and managed to move forward, albeit in baby steps, then I have to have the courage to do the same.

Halster - hope you log on at some point in the next few days - really thinking about you.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 01/03/2008 15:34

I'm sorry for your loss.

FloriaTosca · 01/03/2008 21:34

Sycamore; How wonderful that your Dad got to meet his grandson. I totally understand how you feel, the circle of life is both wonderful and cruel but most of the time we are lucky and can concentrate on the happier side, when the bad side hits us it is cripplingly hard to bear but we do endure and it makes us appreciate the good things so much more.
You had the courage to keep doing that journey to be by your Dads side through those soul destroying last few months (my Dads "adored" sister buried her head in the sand and pretended it wasnt happening, she didnt even phone him from the day he was diagnosed throught the 4 months until he died!)You will endure and move forward and you will see glimpses your Dad in your children as they grow.
You are in my thoughts.

Bubble99 · 01/03/2008 21:41

Deepest, deepest sympathy.

lateylate · 01/03/2008 21:49

Sycamore: So sorry for your loss.

My mum died of cancer almost five years ago. There's no rulebook about how you should feel, everyone is different...I can remember being numb, but also, strangely, I felt at the time, it gave me a zest for my own and remaining family's life.

Remember all your good times together, and don't dwell on regrets (if any).

When someone dies in the manner your dad did, no-one can predict the exact moment they will pass away. Sometimes the medication will have been stepped up so that they're more on the 'other side' than 'this side' at the time of passing (does that make sense?)

I felt my mum's life force had gone long before she drew her last breath...and when I went to the chapel of rest to see her, she had gone long before.

Lots of hugs for you xxx

scottishmummy · 01/03/2008 21:52

so so sad. take care of yourself, this is awful and you had the pressure of his ongoing illness too.

do
take care
talk, talk, talk
allow yourself to cry and feel crap
try allow yourself some quiet time

halster · 02/03/2008 18:26

Well done Sycamoretree for having the courage and strength to stand up and remember your dad at the funeral. It is so hard isn't it?

Mum's funeral was beautiful - it was a humanist ceremony and was full of love, flowers and celebrations of her life. Having said that it was still impossibly hard. But like you say, you find the strength from somewhere. I am utterly exhausted now, emotionally and physically. Everything seems so so sad. I too cannot get my head round the fact that I will never see her again. She was such a force in our lives that it is incomprehensible that she has gone.

Thank you all for sharing your sad losses too. It does help to know that we are not alone and that this pain can be survived.

Lateylate - its funny, even though I am very low I seem to have found a kind of steely determination to make absolutely damn sure that I and my family will live life to the absolute full now. Maybe that will be part of Mum's legacy.