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Original poster

Dad died today

89 replies

Sycamoretree · 24/02/2008 21:39

I've mentioned here and there on other threads that my dad was very ill. He'd been fighting cancer since his diagnosis last May. He died at the hospice this morning. No one was with him, which is just so sad - we have been visiting morning, afternoon and evening, but somehow we missed it. I just have no idea what to feel - it's very surreal. We have known he would die for so long, and we haven't been able to communicate to him for over a week, but I still can't quite make sense of what has happened.

OP posts:
Eddas · 24/02/2008 21:53

sorry to hear about your dad

My mum died in July 2003 of cancer. She was alone at the end too(well a nurse was holding her hand) I felt quilty for a long time (and still do) that we(my dad, sister, brother and me) weren't there but it can't be changed.

Try not to worry about how to feel. Be easy on yourself and just let things happen in there own time. Be strong for your family and for yourself.

Thinking of you

GrinningSoul · 24/02/2008 22:03

My sympathies - I was in your position 3 years ago. It was undoubtedly a difficult time but over the months and years it becomes less sad and more just a part of who you are. We all have our own views of what happens next but I felt an odd relief that instead of visiting or phoning my mum, and worrying about her all the time, I could 'talk' to her any time.

chipmonkey · 24/02/2008 22:04

Sycamoretree, a friend's granny was lying dying in hospital for a few weeks and there was always one of her children or grandchildren by her bed. She hung on and on to life by a thread. Then one day she was alone for just a few minutes and she passed away peacefully. The nurses said that it was common for that to happen and that some people prefer to die alone. Your Dad knew he was loved. So sorry for your loss.

lucyellensmum · 24/02/2008 22:05

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I was in a similar situation with my father when he died. I was in and out of the hospice but it was so difficult i had an eight week old baby and was also unwell with gall stones. My mum was there constantly. I felt bad about going home but the nurse said to me, if you are meant to be here, you will be. She said she has seen it so often where relatives wont move from the bedside and then get called away or go to the toilet and the person passes away. Then people get a last minute call and get there just in time. I wasn't with my dad, although my mum and his sister was - he was out of it, and they try and tell me that i was in time but i know i was too late - it still doesnt feel real and that was two years ago.

Such a sad time for you - it helps me to remember the good times we had and to imagine that sometimes he is in the room with me, smiling his loving smile at me and laughing at DD (he never met her )

Kewcumber · 24/02/2008 22:06

so sorry sycamoretree xxx

mckenzie · 24/02/2008 22:06

my symapthies to you and your family. I hope that in time your happy memories will be stronger than your grief.

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 24/02/2008 22:06

Thanks Grinning - that is kind of how I feel. I drove home and "talked" to dad all the way. I could suddenly picture him how he was when he was well again, rather than lying in that awful bed. Maybe people hold on whilst they know their loved ones are around, but can finally let go when they are alone. Who knows.

OP posts:
tori32 · 24/02/2008 22:07

sycamoretree I am really sorry to hear your sad news. Maybe your Dad felt he had said his goodbyes to everyone and wanted to spare you seeing him go .

You're in my thoughts
x

halster · 25/02/2008 13:20

So very sorry sycamoretree for your loss. My mum died of cancer 8 days ago so I feel some of what you are feeling now. My sister and I were not there when she actually died but we were by her bedside for days, holding her hand telling her how much we loved her. I know that she felt that love and I also know that she would not have wanted us to see her final minutes. She would have wanted to spare us that I think.

You are right, it is such a cruel disease. Like you, we watched our dear mum wasting away before our eyes, gradually communicating less and less until not at all. I can't seem to get the image of her looking so ill out of my head. I want to picture her as the lively, vibrant, extrovert person she was, not the withered person that cancer reduced her to. I am hoping the real image of mum will return in time.

I feel very numb now - worryingly so. I think when I am able to imagine her as she was the grief will really hit.

You are in my thoughts.

nospringchicken · 25/02/2008 15:22

Sycamore; very sorry. My dad died of cancer 2 years ago, again while we'd slipped out of the room.

It is very common.

just recently I had a pleasant afternoon looking at photographs of him playing with my children; it brought back happy memories rather than the alternating pain/numbness i felt just after he died.

Be kind to yourself and in time you will remember the good times.

HonoriaGlossop · 25/02/2008 15:34

So sorry Sycamore

I wanted to add what nospringchicken just did - that given a bit of time and distance from the gut wrenching time you've had watching your dad fade away, I'm sure you will be more able to remember him as the person he really was

StressTeddy · 25/02/2008 15:45

so, so sorry sycamore
Love to you and your family
x

sparklesandwine · 25/02/2008 15:48

sycamoretree - i'm so sorry for your loss

my died nearly 2 years ago now, he had been ill for 9 years with brain tumours, although we always knew he would die it was still an awful shock when he did, it doesn't make it any easier knowing. Like you my dad died when i wasn't there, although his partner was, he never liked us making a fuss either. typical of him to always do thing his way really.

take your time to make sense of it all, and take care. again my deepest sympathies for your loss x

bookwormmum · 25/02/2008 15:51

I'm sorry for your loss. try to think of the good times and your dad as he was when he was fit and well, not the last few days.

If he went in his sleep, it sounds a nice way to go .

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 25/02/2008 16:18

So lovely to get all your kind thoughts, particularly from those who have been through a similar situation.

Halster - I'm so sorry to hear about your mum too, it must still be so raw for you. I had days I could barely look at Dad's face it was so upsetting. Yes, I feel numb as well. Just getting about my day, looking after the kids, but sometimes I just can't think of the word for something, or realise I've been staring at the wall for half and hour. And then I remember why.

Have you said goodbye to your mum at her funeral yet? I am very apprehensive about that.

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 25/02/2008 16:21

Deepest Sympathy

sparklesandwine · 25/02/2008 16:25

sycamore - i was dreading my dads funeral for the same reasons as you are but i honestly found that the day itself wasn't too bad as you are surrounded by the people you love and those who loved your dad and that gives you alot of strength

there are many people who have been through similar on MN and we are here day and night to listen to you x

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 25/02/2008 16:31

Sending my love and strength to you and yours at this difficult time xx

systemsaddict · 25/02/2008 16:35

So sorry sycamoretree. I hope you will find peace from the amount of people who have said that a lot of people just wait to be alone before they go. We are just coming up to the 2 year anniversary of losing my Dad to leukaemia. He died at home, but still waited until everyone was asleep, though Mum had been trying to keep going 24 hours a day.

Wishing you strength for the funeral. I found it a wrenching experience in some ways but also weirdly comforting. It really helped me to get through that odd numb feeling which you describe.

TisWotz · 25/02/2008 16:40

So sorry for you loss
My nan and my dad died shortly after we left hospital, with phone call shortly after arriving back home from seeing them.
You can't blame yourself or anyone for that.

halster · 25/02/2008 16:41

Her funeral is on Friday and I am very apprehensive about it too. I just don't want any of this. I want to wake up and find it is all a bad dream. But I will get through it somehow - I have managed to get through the most horrendous times in the last few weeks so I imagine (or rather hope) that I will find the strength to get through this too. We are a resilient lot us humans.

wilbur · 25/02/2008 16:50

Much sympathy sycamoretree. It's a very tough, sad and scary time. Take care and accept help (with the children or housework or whatever) when it's offered. xx

Original poster
Sycamoretree · 25/02/2008 17:41

halster, dad's is on thursday. i will think of you on friday. i have to be strong for my mum - think that is what will get me through it. want to read something but don't think i wil be able to keep it together.

OP posts:
halster · 25/02/2008 18:03

I have written a few words for my mum but I don't think I will be able to keep it together either - so someone else will read them for me I think. Could you do the same?

I will think of you on Thursday too. xx

justjules · 25/02/2008 18:04

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