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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Is it wrong to not scatter ashes?

26 replies

Amby1 · 05/07/2023 19:04

Is it wrong to not scatter a loved ones ashes because you want to keep them?

My mum always said it was up to me if she was buried or cremated and I always said I'd rather she be cremated, but never explained that this was because I would like to keep her ahses. Shortly before she died she said that she would like me to scatter her ashes in a certain place. She passed away a few years ago now, but I still can't bring myself to scatter her ashes. Is it wrong to ignore her wishes and hang on to them? I also don't like the idea of separating them so would feel even worse if I kept some and scattered the rest.

OP posts:

orangeflags · 05/07/2023 19:26

Totally fine. My mum died over a year ago and she's still here at home with me

VintageThoughts · 05/07/2023 19:28

I'm sure your mum would be happy to know you're doing whatever makes you feel that most comfortable.

You keep them for as long as you need to.

TappingTed · 05/07/2023 19:28

I think your mum would want you to do what made her death easier on you- if she’s anything like my mum or me about my kids. Honestly- if you’re happy I’m sure she would be too. Perhaps keep a note of where she wanted scattered and in years to come once you’re dead too you could maybe be scattered somewhere together.

swanling · 05/07/2023 19:28

VintageThoughts · 05/07/2023 19:28

I'm sure your mum would be happy to know you're doing whatever makes you feel that most comfortable.

You keep them for as long as you need to.

I agree.

Valour · 05/07/2023 19:35

It's fine OP. I'm so sorry about your mum. That's really, really hard.
The only time I'd feel odd about it is if there are other members of the close family that feel unhappy about her ashes not being scattered. This has happened a few times in my family. I know one person wanted to keep the ashes, their sibling hated the thought of the ashes being kept in a house, and though they didn't say anything, it was difficult.
But if everyone who's grieving agrees, no problem.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 05/07/2023 19:36

My dad's ashes currently live in a cupboard in my mum's house - we can't think of where he might have like to be scattered, and we enjoy knowing he is close by.

Do whatever feels right for you, OP. It really is no one else's business.

MissAmbrosia · 05/07/2023 19:37

My uncle is right next to the spare bed at my auntie's house. I was rather discombulated when I last stayed but ended up having a chat with him about how he'd got stuck there vs being scattered at Old Trafford or similar.

SirChenjins · 05/07/2023 19:38

My mum died 11 years, my dad almost 3 years and I still have their ashes. I’ll scatter them one day I’m sure. It’s totally fine - there’s no right or wrong way to deal with the death of your loved ones.

Glitterb · 05/07/2023 19:40

You have plenty of time to decide what you would like to do with them.

We scattered my Mum really soon after we got the ashes back, but kept a few back and I had a ring made from them. It felt like the right thing to do for her, we scattered her with her two labs who had died a few years before.
Everyone is different though, it’s likely you feel different down the line.

HeddaGarbled · 05/07/2023 19:42

I think it’s a new trend, the scattering. More traditional would be having the urn interred in a churchyard or memorial garden.

Stratocumulus · 05/07/2023 19:45

Someone I know has had a very pretty ring made from a tiny amount of her mums ashes. She wears it every day.
Im sorry for your loss. One day you might feel able to carry out your mums wishes but until then, rest easy. Mourning has no end, no process to follow. You do what’s right for you.

3isthemagicnumberrr · 05/07/2023 19:46

Dd died in 2019 and her ashes are in my wardrobe. I feel like she’s safe there. I’m sure your mum would want to be wherever you feel most comfortable.

VelvetUndergrounds · 05/07/2023 19:48

I have some of my dads ashes in a beautiful little pot and they will be with me until I die, I want to be scattered with him.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:48

Personally I think the bereaved's wishes should always be followed.(Within reason) but perhaps you aren't quite ready to do that yet and you will be in a year or two.

VelvetUndergrounds · 05/07/2023 19:48

This has been since 2008. Sorry, I meant to write that.

clarepetal · 05/07/2023 19:56

How about you scatter some of the ashes and keep the rest. Then you both get your wishes. I had some of my dad made into a necklace and wear his ashes all the time..it's a comfort, so I understand where you are coming from x ✨️

Maddy70 · 05/07/2023 20:05

Keep them if it brings you comfort. There is no right or wrong

CatsOnTheChair · 05/07/2023 20:09

It's fine to keep them - so long as everyone in the family agrees.
It's nearly 20 years since my brother died. His ashes live on an armchair in my parents room.

MissingMoominMamma · 05/07/2023 20:10

We buried my mum’s ashes and planted a tree, so we know exactly where she is. It is private land though.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 20:12

It's fine to keep them - so long as everyone in the family agrees.

What if the deceased didn't agree though? Their wishes should be followed. Though I agree that the OP may need more time before she's ready to do that.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/07/2023 20:12

DH is on the piano, we are drop feeding him out depending on what we think e would have liked or if we visit favourite places of his

Theunamedcat · 05/07/2023 20:15

Are you planning on being cremated? You could ask to be scattered together?

Surplus2requirements · 05/07/2023 20:35

Sons ashes are on my chest of drawers, under his memorial stone, in a necklace for his sister, in a tattoo on my skin, scattered in a few places that were important to him.

One day maybe the last of them will be planted under a tree but for now I find it difficult to imagine letting him go completely.

It's been 4 1/2 years

PermanentTemporary · 05/07/2023 20:40

Your mum could only live her life, and you can only live yours. Thr idea of that particular place was meanubgful to her, and that wont change. Her death for whatever reason has meant that at the moment you still have her ashes.

You haven't made any permanent decision and you don't have to. You're not scattering them today. That's all.

Original poster

Amby1 · 05/07/2023 20:43

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'd been feeling quite guilty and your replies have put my mind at ease. Maybe I'll scatter them, maybe I won't but it's not a decision I have to make anytime soon.

OP posts:

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