Mum end of life

[Hugasauras]

My mum is now entering the end of life phase after a fairly lengthy battle with metastatic breast cancer. We thought we had a lot longer but she was taken to hospital in the early hours and a scan revealed there is nothing else to be done and it's a case of days/weeks.

She lives 3 hours away with my lovely stepdad. He's hoping to bring her home on Monday. I am currently at home with DH and two DC (4yo and 12mo) and trying to work out what the hell I do. Work have been great and said not to worry, do what I need, but I'm finding it so hard to work out when I go, do I go alone, do I take the baby, do I try and go between every couple of days? Baby is still breastfed a couple of times a day and is very attached to me, although DH is absolutely happy to look after both kids if I go solo. 4yo will be fine with her dad.

I know no one can answer this, I'd usually ask my mum this kind of thing but she's quite heavily medicated right now.

Has anyone been in a similar situation with logistics? How did you decide what to do? I'm so terrified I will go too soon and have to come back and miss it, or not go soon enough.

I went home to help with my mum’s last weeks /
months. She died 3 days after I got there.

I don’t think anyone can answer this for you but I’m glad I didn’t wait.

If it were me, I would take the baby but leave the 4yo at home. Best wishes during this difficult time.

Thanks, I am erring on taking baby and going down first thing in the morning. She's a very easy baby so won't be difficult. My husband is keen for me to do this as he missed a day visiting his mum in hospital and she died in the early hours the next day, so he doesn't want that happening to me.

God it's bloody rotten. My heart is breaking that she'll never get to see my girls grow up. My older DD adores her.

I work with elderly and terminally ill people and my much beloved gran passed when my kids were similar ages to yours. I'd say plan a time for the whole family to go down asap and say goodbye, if there is time then when you are able to, go back on your own and you can have some quieter time to say good bye alone. I've seen lots if families who lived at the bedside for days and their loved one passed away while they were asleep or had nipped out for a walk. I missed my grans passing as I'd had to go home to my kids but I'd been before and been able to be with her and be there to support my family when I could and that gave me quite a lot of comfort when she finally passed. My thoughts are with you and I hope its as peaceful as it can be.

If it were me I'd go and take the baby, a welcome distraction for your stepdad to be honest.

So sorry hope it's as peaceful as it can be

We went through this in the summer. As I have two siblings it was a bit easier as we set up a rota. Some things I would say are to check if a care package is in place for hospice style care at home- my mum's GP managed all this. And try to eat and sleep as well as you can.

Take the baby. Leave older one at home with DH.
Ive been through it this year, you want to be there with them every step of the way but it’s actually difficult to make the right plans when you have other responsibilities and you don’t know whether it will be days or weeks

I'd go asap I've just been through this with my nana I got there 5 minutes too late and I'm gutted! She only got her cancer diagnosis in March 2023 and died 3rd June x

Firstly sorry you are going through this right now.

I would probably take the baby, but also depending how she is currently, if there is opportunity take the eldest to say bye (if appropriate)

When I was looking after a dying relative- we experienced about 3 occasions where we thought they had hours left, then they perked up for a week or two. So it was a rollercoaster of a ride and not predictable.

Thanks everyone. I ended up leaving soon after my last post after speaking to her doctor and we are into the final hours now so I'm glad I did. Sorry for all of you who have suffered losses. This is bloody horrible.

It's not the right words but I'm glad you get to be there with her at this time .
Wishing strength for you op

Thank you. My lovely mum died peacefully in the early hours with me and my stepdad holding her hands and telling her we loved her. I'm absolutely devastated but just got back home to my girls. Thanks so much for the advice and good wishes.

Sending a hand hold - I'm so glad you were able to get there and be with her at the end xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. You were right to trust your instincts and go. There was no more you could do x

Am so sorry.Am glad you were there with your darling Mum .Xx😥

So sorry to hear that your mum has passed, but trust me, in time to come you will always be grateful that you were there. I also lost my mum to cancer 16 years ago, and had young children too. My heart goes out to you. I assume your mum was still quite young? Mine was 62. Hugs xx

So sorry op
I lost my dad age 66 last year with children who are 7 and 2 now to cancer and it's a bastard disease

Glad you could hold her hand 😞 x

I am very sorry for your loss but glad you were able to be with her

So very sorry but very glad you got to be with her. Losing your mum is so hard but I promise it gets easier with time and you’ll see her in your children as they grow.

I’m so sorry. My mum died of cancer a few weeks ago and like you, we were all with her at the end - at least both our mums died surrounded by love. Look after yourself x

Sorry for your loss x

So sorry for your loss OP

Thank you everyone

Sending you love - such a hard time.

My beloved Nanny died when I was four - I'm now in my 60's and I have always known how much she adored me, and what a close relationship we had, because my Mum never stopped telling me. You can do that for your DD too.