Being the main speaker at mums funeral

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

Mums funeral is in two weeks. Her death was shocking and sudden. Not at all expected.

The vicor is away so the reverend is taking the service. Its been strongly suggested one of us does the main talk, she will do a eulogy of history - timeline.

I have written it. No mean feat. I'm well educated but dyslexic. I hate writing long stuff. If I can through it it's 9 minutes.

However. I get up right after the coffin comes in, just after the rev greets everyone.

I can't read it to my phone without stopping to hold back a tear. I have to do it.

Any tips? My four kids will be there. The youngest two have ASd. I don't plan to look up.

I really want to be free to cry. I will have to save my tears.

I'm so sorry about your mum 💐

Now that you've written it, could you nominate somebody else to read it? X

Why can’t the Rev read it? Surely that’s their actual job?
if you wanted to do it then I’m all for that, but not if you’d rather just be able to be present for your children and cry if you want to.
So sorry for your loss, sounds like a real shock.

I did it for my mum. A friend had a copy and was ready to stand in for me. It was hard, I won't lie. And I cried. But I also smiled. And felt the absolute love of those there. I'm so glad I did it .

Hi OP - so sorry for your loss. Death of a loved one is never easy but sudden and expected is doubly difficult.

When we organised DM's funeral the vicar said he's often had to take over eulogies becaue people never know if they'll be unable to do it until they get up to speak. His advice was type it out, double space and big font so if the celebrant does have to take over they can read it and don't have to decipher handwriting.

I read at my mums funeral, it was sudden and not expected. I read it through beforehand so many times, I almost became immune to the words. Adrenalin got me through and my voice only broke at the end. So sorry for your loss xx

Sudden and UNexpected.

Sorry for your loss, that's tough.
I have also done it, and I'm glad I did. I wrote both the timeline and the eulogy, but only read the latter, and actually, it was odd to hear someone else read 'my' piece.

Give yourself a week or so more, you may feel differently.
As pp said, maybe have a back up? Or can you shift it to later in the service? Immediately after Mum comes in is asking a lot of you.

Don’t feel you have to do it. There was no way I could do a eulogy for my parents or for my in laws. In fact only my Aunties funeral did we have a family member do it. I wrote the eulogies but kept them under 5 minutes and the vicar/reverend were happy to read them for us.

I do so feel for you. Sudden loss is such a shock and things must be so hard for you right now.

I have done what you are going to do. I half wanted to do it, half not, but I'm glad I did. It kind of made me a stronger person - not in a smug way - just a 'well if I can do that, I can do anything' way.

Some things that helped me were, as a PP said, I just reread and reread aloud the words over and over, so that I almost stopped hearing the words. Also, I decided not to look up except to look right into my DH face in the front row. He sat there smiling hard right at me, might sound odd, but at the time it gave me such strength. Lastly - I let myself totally fall apart in the days leading up to the funeral. I didn't try to hold back tears, I just wept and let it all out like fury. Oh god that helped. On the actual day I had no tears left, I knew the words, I had support.

Keep coming back on here if you need more support and we can stand by you.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
I think you will be really glad if you manage to deliver your eulogy, it’s one of the last things we can do for those we love.
You CAN cry, people will not be surprised if you do. I spoke at my mum’s funeral, I wasn’t at all sure I would manage to do so, the vicar stood beside me and if I hadn’t been able to continue he was to take over. Could you arrange this?
I think you will suprise yourself and I’m sure your dear mum would be proud. X

Could you ask a close family friend to read it on your behalf. That's what happened at my relatives funeral. A friend read the eulogy that her son had written. Its pretty normal I think for people to do that.

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry.

I wrote and read the eulogy at my father's funeral. The funeral was in the church where my father was the clergyman for 10 years. I read the Epistle in the very lectern I delivered his eulogy. The church was my playground, and added another layer of rawness.

OP, trite as it may sound, VERY deep but slow breaths, got me through. ( To many rapid breaths and you'll feel worse, = hyperventilation, dizziness etc...).

Rehearse it, out loud, in front of someone if possible. And, ( this is important), try not to rush. Speak slowly, with pauses.

It's one of the hardest things you may well have to do, but you'll feel very proud of yourself and you know your mother would be so proud of you too.
Sending energy, stoicism ( in the moment), and the very best of wishes.

Thank you everyone. The rev said she will will rehearse it and step in if I can't go on.

I did say I was going to just read it blind on the day but that's been impossible as I'm constantly seeing my typos so have to read and reread and it's still not right ( bloody dyslexia). I think I could read it repeatedly until it's just a series of words. I will try that.

Sorry for your loss.

You really don't have to read it.
You have written your thoughts. Anyone can read it on your behalf. A friend, another relative, or, very commonly, whoever is taking the service (you have said the Reverend).
None of us spoke at either of my parents' funerals. It is just too emotional. I've seen too many people torturing themselves at funerals because someone has somehow persuaded them they "have to" read an eulogy. You really, really don't.

The vicar did the eulogy at MIL’s funeral. Nobody was keen to do it. The vicar said some people are used to speaking to 4,000, but can’t speak at a relative’s funeral!

I didn't read the eulogy at my mum's funeral and I have no regrets. I knew I wouldn't be able to get through without breaking down, even though her death was expected and I was as at peace with it as I could be. One of her closest friends wrote and delivered it (but consulted family about the content). She was wonderful and I have never felt like I let my mum down by not doing it myself, I showed my love for her in many other ways and her funeral wasn't in any way diminished by the eulogy being read by a friend.

Having the pressure of the eulogy off also meant I could focus on all the other parts of the funeral that were important to me, both in the preparation and during the service itself.

If you want to do it then absolutely go for it, but if it fills you with dread and will make what is already an awful time even harder then you should feel no guilt about saying no.

I read my grandmother's which my father (her son) wrote as he knew he couldn't hold it together to get through it all. But I was in my mid 30s - your children maybe too young to ask

I am sorry for your loss. I wrote and read the eulogy for my mum in similar circumstances and I will always be glad I found a way to do it. I didn't think I could initially. But I practiced, knew I would be surrounded by people who love me, and focused on it as though I was telling a story.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I write the eulogy for my mum's funeral and a family friend read it out. I put a couple of jokes in and he read them as if they were serious, so they didn't work! But I would advise you to get your mum's friends to help you if you need it

It’s not just a series of words, it’s absolutely ok if you don’t deliver this with the competence of a Shakespearean actor. What matters is that you speak from your heart. Sending you a virtual hug.

When I read it, I'm very flat and monotone. I'm not a stranger to public speaking ( but normally to a small team at work on a subject I'm expert on).

There's only me or the rev who can do it. Mums only bio family there is me, sister, my young kids or my cousin.

My mum died suddenly too and the shock is just overwhelming.

Instead of a traditional funeral, we had a private cremation and then went on to another venue to have a Celebration of life service, so when I spoke I was able to do so without the coffin present. Unbelievably, the second part of the day was filled with joy and love and so I was able to speak and it was easier than I thought. When I got emotional I just kept thinking to myself that I wanted to make my mum proud and I knew she'd want me to put a bright face on it (and have a huge howl later).

Some thoughts for you to consider.

1. Nominate someone else to read it
2. If you want to read it, ask some immediate family members to get up with you and you can read it almost as a 'spokesperson' for you all. It might help to feel people physically around you.
3. If the church/venue has the ability to show things on screens, you could do a video tribute instead. Lots of people do play video tributes or have loops of pictures on a screen.

I've seen this done in lots of different ways and there's no 'right' way to do it. I understand this pain all too well and I'm wishing you strength.

Sorry for your loss.

My 15 year old daughter read her Dad’s Eulogy at his funeral on 25 May, she wrote it and wanted to read it, she was crying from the moment the hearse came to the house until she read the Eulogy, she was determined to do it, it wasn’t very long, a couple of minutes but she focussed on the paper and took pauses when she felt she was going to cry. She suffers with anxiety after being bullied badly at a previous school and has tried to commit suicide twice when she was 13 and I am so proud of her for doing it.

If you can’t do it on the day have someone on hand ready to do it/take over if you can’t finish.

I did the only eulogy at my uncle’s funeral when I was in my early 30s, 15+ years ago. It was so hard, and I didn’t really want to do it to be honest, I felt pushed into it as otherwise nobody was going to speak (his partner and his siblings all said they would find it too hard) and it was indeed really hard. I’m glad I did it, but I don’t feel that I will ever be able to do it again and I know that I won’t. But I tried to smile through it, and see him smiling at me. And I think that’s what got me through.

OP, get someone to fix the typos for you. Or at least put it through the spelling and grammar checker on WORD or whatever you use. That will pick up and fix a lot of typos for you.