Being the main speaker at mums funeral

[WorriedAboutMum2023]

Mums funeral is in two weeks. Her death was shocking and sudden. Not at all expected.

The vicor is away so the reverend is taking the service. Its been strongly suggested one of us does the main talk, she will do a eulogy of history - timeline.

I have written it. No mean feat. I'm well educated but dyslexic. I hate writing long stuff. If I can through it it's 9 minutes.

However. I get up right after the coffin comes in, just after the rev greets everyone.

I can't read it to my phone without stopping to hold back a tear. I have to do it.

Any tips? My four kids will be there. The youngest two have ASd. I don't plan to look up.

I really want to be free to cry. I will have to save my tears.

My Mum's funeral was on 26th May and I just knew that I would break down and not be able to do it. The funeral was in the UK and I have no family there so I asked the Celebrant to do it. I planned and wrote everything and the Celebrant conducted the service and delivered my words much better than I would have done.

I have no regrets and the relief at having someone else deliver my words was immense. There is no right or wrong way to do things at the funeral and I just know my Mum would have been so upset to see me so upset - if that makes sense.

I’m used to public speaking but this is not something I would have been able to do , I also don’t think you can necessarily know exactly how you will be able to react on the actual day
I would either ask the clergyman taking the service it’s his job after all or another family member / close friend to read yours out

I’m sorry for your loss

The reverant has come back to me and said 9 minutes is too long, so I have just taken the most emotional 50% out. I could have been given a time limit or word count before but maybe this is the answer. I can't leave anything in that's going to be emotional. The rev said there might be pauses. I'm not looking up to gauge reaction that I'm sure of.

So bloody hard.

Do not put yourself under the pressure. I read at my grandfathers funeral but then had my kids and by the time grandmother passed I knew I couldn't do it with my children in watching, my role was to comfort them. The person hosting the funeral ready for us (humanist funeral)

I've done this, I got through it by saying to myself I'm doing this in honour of 'x', I won't let them down, I will do it

I looked up but chose a spot at the back above the heads of the congregation because I knew if I saw their faces I would struggle.

I familiarised myself with the eulogy, not word perfect or learnt by heart but so I knew what was coming and didn't worry if I didn't say exactly what was on the page in front of me.

Slow deep breaths on the way up to speak and shoulders back and head up and made a conscious effort to speak slower than I normally do, focusing on that rather than what I was saying helped.

The vicar taking the service told me the time limit and what word count would be about that length of time, which was helpful.

I am very sorry for you for your loss, it's so tough.

Hi OP - I’m so sorry for your loss.

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in January. I spoke at her funeral and was dreading it. But I’m so glad I did. And I’m so grateful to her friend, my aunt and uncles who also spoke because the end result was a wam and loving ceremony that looked and sounded just like her.

My advice is to really get to know your speech. It helps if your sentences are short and simple and if the text has a clear structure. If the typos bother you, ask someone to sort it out.

i’m so sorry for your loss, OP. Take care. Sending you warm hugs.

Is there anyone you would trust to read it through and correct any typos? That might help your confidence. Nobody is expecting a great performance at a funeral but it's natural you don't want to be too upset.
For my aunt, my siblings and I co-wrote the eulogy. I read it but my sister stood up with me. So it was personal but not all on me

It was my mum’s funeral on Thursday. My aunt and I did the eulogy together and we both found that having the other one next to us made it easier. I managed not to cry until the last paragraph.

I used some of the tips from this thread - double-spaced printout, rehearsing the words over and over again, looking at a spot over everyone’s heads - and they really helped, so thank you all for those.

So sorry for your loss OP.

If you don’t want to do it that’s fine, and completely understandable, ask someone else.

it will be a difficult day for you all, you may feel you are better placed supporting your children, rather than speaking.

good luck OP

So sorry for your loss.

I read at my dad's funeral. I had one of my dad's best friends standing by to take over from me if I couldn't get through it. No one will mind if you cry, I can assure you of that.

I did it for mum, and I was dreading it, couldn't even read it through, but on the day, I got through it, and made people laugh and cry, and my voice broke right at the end, but it was fine. And as everyone else has said, I am SO glad I did it. My mum would have been proud. And my dad was proud - he died 3 months later, so I'll always be glad I did this for him and mum. Good luck. My ex said to me ' there is nobody better than you to do this for your mum' - and that stuck with me. I said it back to him when he had to speak at the memorial of his best friend earlier this year.

I did it. There was a mix up ( dyslexic and I printed out the long version. i didnt have a copy of the short version and discovered my cock up 15 minutes before the service.

im so glad i did it. My last thing i could do for my mum. It was hard. I just took deep breaths and didnt stop.

There's no right or wrong way but in hindsight, I think this was always going to be my job. Like I was meant to do it and do the longer version.

I honestly can't see any public talking phasing me after that. I wasn't fantastic, don't get me wrong. But I did it.

Everyone said we did mum proud. I'm glad now by easy in hindsight as it's over.

Well done OP, I am sure you did your mum proud

Congratulations OP.