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Bereavement

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Original poster

DH doesn’t understand bereavement

38 replies

FannyFanackerpan · 08/06/2023 18:41

He has never lost anyone close to him. In the last six months I’ve lost my Mum (cancer, 5 weeks from diagnosis to death), a young cousin (freak heart attack) and last week a really close friend was killed in a horrific car crash. DH just doesn’t get it. He asked me today, exasperated, why I was crying. He’s not usually devoid of emotion, but I wonder how you get to 60 and have never experienced the death of a close relative or friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
FannyFanackerpan · 08/06/2023 18:44

I think my friend dying has hit me hardest. We had a real connection, largely due to religion and knowledge of an obscure language. We’d been to see a film a few days before he died, and he said “I’ll be away next week, why don’t we all go out for dinner next week?” And I never saw him again.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 08/06/2023 18:59

Well if he hasn't lost anyone , he hasn't!!! You can't blame him for that

LennyBalls · 08/06/2023 19:06

@AuntieMarys seriously!

Even if he has never lost anyone he should be able to understand why OP would be crying.

Honestly

hursty900 · 08/06/2023 19:08

How awful for you. I'm so sorry for your losses. Sounds like you might need to seek your support elsewhere. I guess if you've not experienced it you're incredibly lucky but also naive to the complexities of it. You'll be angry - & want to take it out on those closest. Explain that to him. This will be a flashpoint in your relationship as a lot of resentment could build. Take care x

LennyBalls · 08/06/2023 19:09

Meant to also say OP so sorry for your loss.

I was watching a programme on TV the other day where someone loses her best friend and it hit me that I would be beyond devastated if I lost my best friend. She is like my sister and we have talked to each other every day for the last 20 years with very few exceptions.

Iheartsummertime · 08/06/2023 19:10

I've never lost anyone really close to me but I hope I have a lot more empathy than that! Can he not imagine what it's like?

Alongtimelonely · 08/06/2023 19:12

My DH lacks empathy but even he can understand that other people experience emotions differently to him. Is your DH autistic?

Iheartsummertime · 08/06/2023 19:12

And I'm sorry for your losses, and the suddenness and shock of each one

LaGiaconda · 08/06/2023 19:14

He sounds very disconnected. At 60 it's hardly likely that his grandparents will be alive, even if his parents are. It may well be that some of his older friends are no longer alive - accidents, cancer, even suicide. Perhaps he's a loner. Maybe he bottles everything up.

The problem is that he seems unwilling to try to support you and that this is putting a strain on your relationship.

I think you should tell him what you need from him - perhaps it's for him to listen, or find some Kleenex, or make the dinner.

It also sounds as if you need some support from friends or other people in the wider family.

Readyplayerthr33 · 08/06/2023 19:14

This has nothing to do with him never losing anyone. This is all about him being a fucking idiot. That’s really all there is to it.

If he is exasperated because you are crying and asking why then he is simply a complete fool.

BCBird · 08/06/2023 19:16

I'm.sorry for your losses. Grief is not something we can snap.out of. You have to let it do what it does. I read something that saud,grief is like a wave. I think this is so true it retreats and then crashes into u,often when u least expect it. He may feel helpless seeing u upset but this is not about him,it's about you. Look after yourself.

Topseyt123 · 08/06/2023 19:17

He is extremely fortunate to have reached his sixties without having lost anyone close to him, but it really shouldn't be that hard for him to work out why you might be upset. Unfortunately, things won't continue that way as many of us know from personal experience.

Has he had an empathy bypass?

Iggi999 · 08/06/2023 19:19

A close loss is like going through a door into another room - if you've never gone into the room I don't think you can really empathise. But, you should be able to show sympathy.

EmmaEmerald · 08/06/2023 19:31

Readyplayerthr33 · 08/06/2023 19:14

This has nothing to do with him never losing anyone. This is all about him being a fucking idiot. That’s really all there is to it.

If he is exasperated because you are crying and asking why then he is simply a complete fool.

I'm sorry OP but I agree with this.

I'm really sorry for your losses. Have you got support from elsewhere? The amount you've had go through in a short space of time...sounds like you could stay with a friend or something maybe? I'll keep this thread in watch, if you want to say anything at all, feel free.

hugs if you want them.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 08/06/2023 19:38

I’m so sorry for your losses. My DH is the same, told a friend to “move on” shortly after a death, worse to me. He’s pragmatic to a fault. Also medicated for a neuro condition which might affect things.

in your shoes l would consider asking him to talk to a friend, get another view. You are not wrong x

Crikeyalmighty · 08/06/2023 19:41

I'm so sorry OP- some people are so very matter of fact until it happens to them- I had a friend like this who had no empathy about separation/divorce at all- it was all 'just move on' until it happened to them

Followill · 08/06/2023 19:42

Readyplayerthr33 · 08/06/2023 19:14

This has nothing to do with him never losing anyone. This is all about him being a fucking idiot. That’s really all there is to it.

If he is exasperated because you are crying and asking why then he is simply a complete fool.

This. Anyone with a shred of empathy can understand that it's sad when someone dies. My 10YO DS is autistic and understands the concept of grief.

Original poster
FannyFanackerpan · 08/06/2023 21:45

Thank you everyone, this has helped a lot. I had two weeks leave when my Mum died and had been shuttling back and forth to see her (she lived in U.K., I’m in Central Europe and it’s a good three hour flight). With hindsight, it wasn’t enough, and I think my friend’s death has just blown everything up. I’ve also been supporting my young cousin’s mother, who has lashed out in her grief, and has alienated everyone else, but is still talking to me.

I agree he is a fucking idiot. I “delegated” the inheritance tax and probate to him and he has cocked that up by filling in a form that didn’t have to be completed, so that will be delayed further. I asked him how/why he didn’t get bereavement and he just shrugged his shoulders.

OP posts:
EmmaEmerald · 08/06/2023 22:19

Okay, so what can we do for you? This is a great board.

do you want to take more time off work?

Anyone else who can help out with emotional support? Post bereavement, sometimes it's nice to just sit quietly with a supportive person who you know "gets" it.

CovetedAsFuck · 08/06/2023 22:21

I'm sorry, OP FlowersBrew

changeyerheadworzel · 08/06/2023 22:25

You poor thing OP, I am so sorry x

Bluebells1970 · 08/06/2023 22:32

My Dad died in January (cancer) and I'm still reeling. DH has lost both of his parents, so has been fairly understanding but there's still a part of me that wants to scream when he just assumes that life is back to normal. I'm not sure it will ever feel normal again Sad

shortorshorter · 08/06/2023 22:39

My condolence's.

Loosing multiple people in quick succession is very difficult, especially when a death is completely unexpected. Don't underestimate the impact on you and seek support from your GP or support groups like Cruise.

Cruise also have information for people who should be supporting you. If DH doesn't understand, he should have a read!

I lost two people in a matter of weeks some years ago - Both deaths were completely out of the blue and the shock was immense. Grief is difficult for all, but the shock experienced when a death occurs with no warning should not be forgotten.

Please take care of yourself.

LaGiaconda · 09/06/2023 08:49

I don't think you can make people support you.

I suppose what you can do is articulate the sorts of things that are helpful in this situation.

If someone is not good at empathising/listening then giving them a practical task seems like a sound idea. It is unfortunate that they have messed up on this one. Perhaps the options are a) giving another operational task so they have a chance to redeem themselves, b) if they don't function well out of their comfort zone, saying 'Well I am so poleaxed and exhausted by what's happening, if you get all the gardening/car maintenance/DIY over the next couple of months, that will really help.

There is also c) which might involve saying, 'You seem to find it really difficult to understand what I am going through. At the moment I really need someone to listen to me and let me talk about X and Y. I had assumed this is something you would feel able to do. But if you can't do this, my old friends A and B have been through something similar and it will help me to spend more time with them. So it may be that I'll be out some of the time in the evening/at the weekend - which means less time together bike riding/watching Netflix.'

I am assuming that your husband is having some emotional reaction - 'I hate death and if I don't think about it or talk about it, it won't happen. But confronting this head on may be something he can't do, which is why I am suggesting a more operational approach, which may help get you through.

NB. I found my husband impossible after his father died. I think it was more that we just had such different ways of processing loss, and it took us some time to realise it because there was just so much practical stuff to do as well. As well as the children needing a bit of support.

Original poster
FannyFanackerpan · 09/06/2023 15:46

@EmmaEmerald thank you! I don’t know what I want, ifI’m honest. My work contract ends next month, so I think I will try and take some time out after that and not try to get a job immediately. I’m on holiday with DH at the moment and have sent him off to a museum so that I can have some time on my own. I think counselling, possibly, is a good idea. I asked DH, in frustration, what he didn’t get about losing someone, and he just shrugged.

OP posts: