DH doesn’t understand bereavement

[FannyFanackerpan]

He has never lost anyone close to him. In the last six months I’ve lost my Mum (cancer, 5 weeks from diagnosis to death), a young cousin (freak heart attack) and last week a really close friend was killed in a horrific car crash. DH just doesn’t get it. He asked me today, exasperated, why I was crying. He’s not usually devoid of emotion, but I wonder how you get to 60 and have never experienced the death of a close relative or friend.

I'm so sorry OP, that's an awful run, no wonder you're struggling.

Your DH sounds awful odd, my DH has never lost anyone but when I lost my best friend he was a rock. Took me a good 6 months to get back on my feet and 18 months to feel like (a new, changed) me again.

Take your time

Totally! Even if it’s all a total mystery to you about why and how someone is upset about the death of a parent and a friend (big 🤨) - even IF you truly don’t get it – you can get that your partner’s distressed and try and understand, and even if you fail to understand, be there and be supportive.

OP I’m so sorry about your mum, friend and cousin, and one of those would be tough, and grief really knocks you sideways.

I‘m so sorry too that your DH isn’t getting it and you’re feeling unsupported on top of everything. Big hug.

You don't need to have experienced something personally to be able to show empathy to someone who has, that's a cop out. I've never broken both my legs and had to be pushed around in a wheelchair, but I can imagine it's painful and horrible in many other ways and would be able to express care to someone who had.

Is he devoid of empathy in general, or has he reserved his lack of understanding just for you in this horrendously upsetting time?

He is being mean and cruel. My small kids would have shown more care, I'm sorry OP.

My DH was hopeless when my Mum died, he also had zero experience of bereavement.

Perhaps it’s best to be straight with your DH and tell him that you’re grieving and suggest he Googles the grief process to understand how it affects people. He’ll find plenty of explanations from credible medical institutions explaining that the first six months are typically the hardest and that most people start to feel better in 1-2 years.

He sounds like a practical/rational type of person so perhaps seeing this information will help him realize that you’re experiencing something perfectly normal… and he’s highly likely to experience it too when he loses his parents/friends.

He's grumpy that the wife appliance is malfunctioning.

It's surprising how many men don't actually care much about their partners, but just make the right noises in order for the free maid/PA/chef/sex service to continue.

Okay, if your contract ends and you can afford it, I'd definitely take some time off work. Maybe don't even plan much. Just see what you feel like doing - or not doing, on a daily basis.

I'm not comment on the DH but do you have other people you can talk to?

Yes, I found that an old university friend who’s v. empathetic and one of my work colleagues who’d lost his Dad were the right people to talk to when I lost my Mum. Most family members and many friends were pretty hopeless, tbh.

Some people are frightened when someone is emotional and back away from them. It’s a personal failing, their issue, not yours. 💐

I think I would find it hard to forgive TBH. I'd be tempted to point out to him that when the day comes when he finally experiences bereavement, he will think back to his behaviour and realise what a monumental arsehole he was.

He doesn't have to 'get' grief, to have an ounce of compassion and sensitivity. You can be respectful and supportive of someone else's grief even if it doesn't directly affect you. I do not understand how the person who is supposed to care for you, love you and cherish you, honestly cannot put his own needs to one side for a nanosecond and think about why you might be upset.

I'm probably not the most rational on this subject at the moment to be fair. We've had three family bereavements in the last six months including my DM.

FannyFanackerpan

I asked DH, in frustration, what he didn’t get about losing someone, and he just shrugged.

He shrugged? That must hurt so much. Is he really expecting you to continue as if nothing of significance had happened to you?

As others have said, you don't really need to have gone through a bereavement, let alone more than one huge shock in fairly quick succession, to show empathy/loving care to other people - particularly someone supposedly so close to you in your life.

I'm sorry for your losses OP 🌹

Did you try really hard to come on and say something mean quickly at the top of thread?
OP you have been through a really tough time. It will take a time to get over all of those shocking deaths. Your DH is being insensitive. Look elsewhere for support if you can. Tbh I would look for some counselling as it is a lot to go through.
💐

Have you never heard of compassion or empathy? Good grief.

OP, I am very sorry. Not sure what to suggest, I'd find his behaviour very difficult to deal with tbh.

I am so sorry op 💐
Take one day at a time and put yourself first. Remember that there is no time limit for grief.

I understand that some people have more empathy than others but it seems he isn’t even trying to understand and to support you. It must be very hurtful and lonely.
I wonder if he’s always been useless in emotional support and expressing emotions, maybe you just haven’t noticed if before.

Im very sorry for your losses