Its dads funeral tomorrow and I cant grieve because Im still grieving for my son

[Goldenboysmum]

I've posted before about my boy Tony, Tony took his own life on 25/12/2020, he was only 27.

Dad died last month at the age of 88, he had a long and happy life, but he suffered terribly for the last few weeks. It was heart-breaking, traumatic and inhumane watching him knowing there was nothing i could do to help him.

Since dad died, I haven't cried, at first I felt relief, then sad, now nothing. I've been to see him, i thought the tears might come then, but no, nothing!

But, every single day I cry for my son, sometimes more than once,

Has anyone else felt like this, is it normal, am I normal, will I ever grieve or will I always feel like this, I loved my dad so much, why cant I grieve like I should be doing?

I am so sorry for both of your losses. All I would say is there is no right or wrong way to grieve and it isn't something you should beat yourself up over. Sometimes I think there is only so much the mind can take and it tries its best to protect you ❤️

Do you think you grieved partly for your Dad whilst he was still alive? Maybe that's why and as you said now relieved he is out of pain etc. Your son was a terrible shock, your Dad wasn't.

You’re grieving a terrible loss - that of your son
and on top of that your dad
there is no right or wrong way to behave
I hope you have plenty of real life support at this time - don’t be hard on yourself
💐

I think what your feeling sounds very normal. The death of a child is harder to cope with as it goes against the natural order of things. Whereas a parent is in the natural order.

l don’t think you should beat yourself up. If l were your dead parent l would want you to rightly grieve for your son, not me.

You’re feeling

I am so so sorry.
From my personal point of view, I think it is a case of being already so full of grief, loss and heartbreak, you simply can't process any more.
The loss of a child is overwhelming, exhausting, horrific. It lasts for the rest of your life, but slowly, gradually, little by little, you can begin to let other emotions in. You can begin to laugh a little, feel enjoyment a little, and also sadness for other reasons a little.
There is no time limit.
Be kind to yourself and don't feel guilty.

I can’t imagine what you are going through. I just wanted to say that there is no one way you “should” grieve- you can’t do it “wrong”.

I lost my son aged 27 in 2016. I cry every single day. But in between the tears I am starting to live life a little easier. I am sure your dad would understand.

Oh and I’m so sorry

Thank you everyone 💐

Its good to know that how Im feeling is normal.

I think you're right though, the grief for Tony is so overwhelming and the circumstances so different.

And yes, I think in my heart I said goodbye to dad a couple of weeks before he died.

@endofthelinefinally

i can't believe it's been 7 years, I still think about your son & his mates.

I've name changed many times since then, but I just wanted you to know, he's still thought about on here xx

@Goldenboysmum I'm very sorry to hear about your DS & your Dad. Grief is complicated, don't get caught up on what's right/wrong. For me the second deaths grief just hit me one day, out of the blue. Look after yourself xx

I totally understand - I also lost a son (aged 24 on Christmas Day 2019).
My Mum is now 84, and I have already decided that when she does ‘go’, the pain will be nowhere near as overwhelming and consuming as that I’ve felt from losing a child.
There will obviously be sadness but I am sure that I will not experience the same roller coaster of emotions.

I think anticipatory grief has played a part in your dad's death. There are no right or wrong ways to grieve, and I don't think that crying or not crying is a marker of how much you are grieving a loss

There is no grief even comparable to the death of a child. As a mother it changes you so deeply, almost feels like on a cellular level. Particularly in the way you lost your boy.
My son died by suicide too. I'm just coming up to the 10th anniversary.
I've had bereavements since, including my own mother. Compared to my son's death it barely registered.
I think when I cried at her funeral it was honestly because seeing her coffin made me think of my son's. Same with my PIL. I can't put the peaceful death of an elderly person in anywhere near the same bracket as the traumatic death of a young person. And a young person I grew and birthed at that.
I haven't shared this feeling with my family as it might hurt them. But I don't feel guilty/abnormal for it and I completely empathise with you.

When dealing with grief, I read the autobiographical book the wave - written by the lady who lost her family in a tsunami, her partner, parents and children. I recall she spoke about a hierarchy of grief, and how she did barely felt able to grieve her parents due to the loss of her kids and partner.
Hugest hugs for you.

Sending hugs. Please be kind to yourself

Sending everyone a big hug xx

You are grieving for your father but ina different way.

I lost two of my closest friends at a very young age. My cousin died at 17. I struggle to feel much when older people die .I can appreciate my feelings aren’t like many but life has made me that way .

Having lost a parent as an adult, and someone else in her 20s, how you feel is completely reasonable. Be kind to yourself.

Absolutely nothing will compare to the grief of losing your child. Particularly, the death of an elderly parent who had lived a long life. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling or not feeling.

People react with grief differently. Crying does not always= grief. With your father and aging you knew his time was coming and you probably have been grieving a number of years now.

Perfectly normal
When dad died it was a blessing
Sad , but a peaceful end to a long and happy life.
My grandmother never got over the death of my mum (she was 43) grandma was in her 70's.
Please be kind to yourself as it is still early days

Welcome, dear @Goldenboysmum to the shittiest club nobody ever wanted to join, ever, the suicide society. I’m a member too.
It sucks.

I lost my much younger sister to vicious, hateful bullies. She was 15, but enough about that.

Knowing a little about the grief from suicide, it makes you numb. It numbs you to a great many other things. I lost both my parents in the last few years and I haven’t felt even a portion of the grief I felt when I lost my little sister.
The overwhelming guilt is like carrying around a 5000 pound bag of rocks.
I found someone who explained to me that I was being very selfish and self-centered to think my sister was even thinking about me when she killed herself. She surely was only thinking about the pain she was in and about ways to alleviate it - sadly, I wish she had thought of me. I wish she had come to me with her troubles - but she didn’t.
I finally had to set that 5000 pound bag of guilt down, and @Goldenboysmum you’re eventually gonna have to set your big bag of guilt down too.
There’s nothing you could’ve done.
It wasn’t your fault.

And — this was your son, your boy. He died young, an unnatural death. Your dad died old, a natural death. About as opposite as you can get. It’s okay that your feelings about them are different - the circumstances are different, aren’t they.
Suicide.
It’s like science fiction, isn’t it, only it’s fucking real life and you’re supposed to wrap your mind around something that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. It’s a living, breathing, walking, waking nightmare - every day of your life.

It’s never gonna make sense. It’s never gonna not hurt. But I promise, I swear, some day, sometime in the future, you’ll remember the smiles and happy times and the fun instead of the pain and agony and anger and all the bad stuff.
The pain will be there, but it’ll be in the background. The joy of your son’s life will return to the forefront. I promise.

I learned the The Three T’s: Things Take Time.
It’s been two years for you - a blink of the eye. Feel the pain. Wallow in it. You’ll come out of it on the other side eventually, I promise, even if it looks bleak right now. Don’t feel guilty about how you feel or don’t feel.

Your dad knew you loved him. And he’d understand that you miss him and that your grief for your son is overwhelming right now.
Be good to yourself.
Forgive yourself. There isn’t anything you could’ve done, I promise you. Our loved ones did what they wanted to do, and they didn’t do it to us - they did it in spite of us. They weren’t even thinking about us. They were thinking about how much pain they were in and how they could make it stop.
Forgive yourself.
Don’t give up on yourself.
Your dad loved you.
Your boy loved you.
We miss them.
Things Take Time, don’t forget.
Much love. ❤️

There's no set pattern to grief, no normal way of grieving. Sometimes that numbness is your brain just giving you space to cope and put one foot in front of the other.
You loved both those men and you have nothing to prove to anyone else or to yourself. Do what you need to do to get yourself through the day and the following weeks. Grief will come but it might not be in the tearful outpouring that happened with your son.
Most of all, be considerate and kind to yourself. Make allowances as you would for a friend or indeed a,stranger. Have no expectations but let the process of grieving happen in whatever form it takes. However it happens it won't be wrong.
My sincerest condolences on both your losses. x