Going back to work after loss

[Fedupofdiets]

Hi all I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago to mulit-organ failure due to sepsis. I am an NHS nurse and have found the experience traumatic and so very painful. Funeral next week. I started a new role 3 months ago (been in the NHS 25 years) and whilst the team are supportive it is a high pressure role of which I am the lead (new service recently set up). Work gave me a weeks compassionate leave and GP has signed me off for a month so 5 weeks in total. I am just dreading returning, my brain is not functioning and I see patients everyday and have to be on top form. How long is too long to be off? I know my GP would just sign me off again, I have full pay for up to 6 months so not worried about money. How did you get back into work when your head (and heart) is not there? TIA

*multi

I'm sorry for your loss.

Private sector. Not a care role, thank goodness.

I went back the next day since that's all work would allow. My heart wasn't in it though for at least a few weeks.

Sorry for your loss. The thought might be worse than the actual action. You can only try and see how it goes.

@MintJulia Thank you. Both my Mum and Dbro have had to go back as carers and no compassionate leave. I am lucky that I have generous sick pay. I think the nature of his death and my job is causing me to feel anxious at the thought. I am just not sure how I will be able to get through a day x

I’m so sorry about your dad. I also lost mine 6 weeks ago, and work clinically in the NHS so have some shared understanding.
I also struggled initially, my mind couldn’t take it all in… the whole thing is unfathomable really. The funeral really helped with this and I found afterwards I was able to sleep, and process things and return to making decisions.

Are you able to talk with your line manager about it? Would they be understanding? I think a graded return may be useful when you do feel ready… 50% hours for two weeks just so that you can try to bring your head back into a clinical decision making space.
Occ health will also be able to support you, your manager will be able to refer you.
so sorry all this is happening, and best wishes for the funeral.

@MrsTopaz I am very sorry to hear about your Dad too, it is so very hard Yes my team is small and really supportive, I am sure if I asked for a graduated return it would be agreed. I still have two more weeks off after the funeral next week and really need to try and gather myself together instead of this weird limbo. I almost don't want to get back to 'normal' as it will feel like leaving him behind but I know it must happen. When you have to be on the ball work wise and make clinical decisions I think you need to be on form and I am just not anywhere near, that said a phased return would help adjust back into it. Luckily I 'only' do 3 long days so do have plenty of down time but the pressure is on and lots of new staff have started so they will be looking for leadership and I cannot lead a train of sensible thought in my own brain yet alone a team 😫

Take as long as you need. You have an obligation to yourself, your team and your patients.
I, too, had a job where I needed to be 100% on the ball and after two traumatic deaths ( son and brother) I knew I'd be a danger if I went back after a few weeks.
I only received SSP but would have done the same if I hadn't even received that.

After my husband died, I had a phased return to work. Returning actually helped me. I had very supportive colleagues, and it occupied my mind and stopped me dwelling on my grief.

Like yours, my job was very full on (I taught children with severe learning and behavioral issues) and I did worry that I might not have the mental strength for it. But again, with my supportive team behind me, I coped fine.

My manager adjusted my role for me for the first six weeks or so, which gave me a bit more space and less responsibility. So maybe ask if that's a possibility? But (and I'm absolutely not saying your grief is the lesser for this) they might not see the loss of a parent in the same way as the loss of a spouse.

I went back after 5 weeks off but it was only 4 weeks after Dad's death and less than a week after the funeral. I'm in education not health but deadlines, understaffing and obligations made me feel I couldn't stay off longer. If I could have taken longer, I should have. I don't think I have properly grieved yet and my heart sure isn't in it.

With a clinical role, I think if you need more time then take it.

Thanks all and sorry to hear your loses too. It really doesnt help that much of my work is dealing with palliative patients and their relatives and I know how intense it can be. I am honestly traumatised by his death, I won't go into the details but I feel like I screamed and shouted at various health professionals (not literally but I could see him deteriorating) and he was not admitted until it was far too late. He died in pain and alone and I am so devastated by how it all happened but it seemed nobody who assessed him really cared and he was badly let down by the very organisation I work for.

I have reached out to Cruise and am still waiting to hear, I will ask work about in house counselling x

I am very sorry to your loss, all l know is that l felt very weak and dizzy after returning to work very shortly after a devastating loss. It took everything in me to keep going and l cried with relief when clocking out. I had two young sons and bills to pay. It was incredibly draining dealing with the public, l wanted to go into hibernation mode but circumstances wouldn't allow. Working part time was a blessing.

@DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon Thank you and sorry for your loss too. I think the problem I have is I know the GP will just sign me off for however long I need but I don't want to look like I am taking advantage. Being off for too long may not be useful but then I don't want to go back, not cope and go off again as it will be classed as two absences. Sometimes sitting around makes you feel worse but I just cannot fathom how I will ever think clearly again, I know I will but it all feels so hard and bleak.

Why don't you talk to your manager about a phased return? Fit notes now can say if that is more appropriate... Like limited duties for x amount of time?

Might allow you to get back gradually and be a bit easier on you?

Im so sorry for your loss and I’m especially sorry for the circumstances he faced and you faced alongside him. That sounds incredibly disappointing and traumatic.

I think given the context of your dad’s death and your role you should take your time. Work is work. Anyone with any compassion will understand and asking what other people who have lost parents did isn’t helpful as all circumstances are so individual.

Do seek some support as it sounds at the very least like a debrief of the situation and his final days would be helpful.

And ask your GP for the extra note and let work know. You can always go back earlier but it’s better to give them notice so they can plan round it.

Please go gently on yourself. Grief is so hard and sometimes you just have to roll with it and not rush it. Plan some self care things to do and good people who love you to spend time with. You give a LOT of yourself to other patients and families but this is time for you to take care of yourself.

Take as long as you need because your role requires you to.

This. OP, don’t overlook the importance of getting back to a routine and how that may help you to become, overtime, less immersed with grief. It is the same with depression for instance, advice now is to return to work asap as it has been shown over and over to help people recover much quicker.

you’ll not recover as such form this. You will simply find the memories gradually hurt less over time, don’avevhte same power to over whelm you suddenly.

we have amazing abilities to normalise stuff and adapt to doing the life work even faced with the most difficult circumstances. Yes, you need support, yes a phased return will be less overwhelming, yes you need to speak up if you start to feel out of control. But do try it , you can always be asked to be signed off again if it gets too much or ask to adapt work even more.

I lost my dad early this year. I went back after a week as I felt that if I didn’t I may never return. I cried within minutes of getting there as people were being so kind but then, surprisingly, it was okay. It’s like my brain switched into work mode and I coped okay (was not a clinical setting though but public facing). You may find that the thought of returning is more enormous than the reality. This was very much the case for me.

I will never get over losing my Dad, but work really helped me get back on an even keel.

Oh, and should have said, most companies operate stats for time off based on actual days taken and number of occasions (e.g. Bradford factors etc). So it won’t really make any difference whether you take 2 or even 3 shorter leaves of absence vs one very long one. Personally, when reviewing absences I always felt someone who showed they were trying to get back to normal working but had occasionally overwhelmed days,or needed adjustments, was way better prospect to support than someone who signed off and didn’t hear from for weeks and didn’t make any attempt to try to get back or ask for adaptations.

However, whatever you do , you need to be proactively engaged with them, as long as you talk to them, tell them what’s happening, allow them to ask you to attend occ health and be told of conclusions, they’ll know you are doing your best and it’s a matter of time

First sorry for your loss
I think the time you need to have off also depends on your job
As a nurse you will be working in an environment that will have so many memories related to your dad
When my DH died I had 12 weeks off (could have had 12 more but everybody said it would be good for me to go back ) but I have gone p/t as physically I feel as if I can't do my role f/t (sec school SEN)
Would a phased return work for you?

I had a horrible loss in my 20s. Work definitely helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other. I used to make a deal with myself on the way in that I'd stick it out til 11 and then go home sick. By 11 I'd be in the swing of things and able to stick it out, I didn't need to go home once.

Different with your job, I had an office job, but you might find the same

My partner died in an accident, i had 6 weeks off, private sector and 6months full, 6 months half pay, my company couldn't have been kinder to me but i found it extremely difficult and would break down for no apparent reason, i should have had much longer.

All i can say is that you will know when its right to return to work but maybe consider part time to start with?

imho all employees should have 6months sick @ full pay, for this and many other reasons.

I’m NHS (back room). I think you should probably get signed off for another fortnight or so, and then get a fit note that says you need a phased return over two months, starting with (say) three hours per rostered shift.

Some time ago one of my (excellent) staff was in your position and we started him with 3 hours a day, three days a week (he worked 5/7) and the first week he just did very simple tasks and spent quite a bit of the time in my office talking about his mum. It was well worth the investment for us and him - he was back firing on all cylinders in about 6 weeks.

I can understand what you mean about the job itself being a problem. My DH spent some time in ICU, and for several years going into the critical care meeting room in a totally different hospital gave me quite horrible flashbacks. You need to discuss this with your manager if you can - it’s not at all surprising really but they will probably not realise.

Ex-NHS HR Director.

One of my team took 5 months when her mum
died. Another took about 4. Grief is a very personal journey. I supported them to take the time they needed.

And yes yes yes to the phased return.

My mam died very suddenly just after Christmas... I was off for 6 weeks..

I'll be honest the funeral really helped with closure, even though it was possibly the most horrendous day of my life.

I wouldn't worry about work, just focus on you and grieving and the funeral and then take stock.

I'm so sorry for your loss.