Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

A friend/acquaintance just died, what should I do?

27 replies

IceIceBabyBump · 10/05/2023 11:28

I lady I know through dog-walking died suddenly and unexpectedly last week.

Her husband just came over to tell me and DP.

He asked me to help with the dog if/when he needs to pop out. He also asked if we could help with technology-related stuff but didn't elaborate on what specifically.

I said he should call/text me anytime for anything, not just dog or technology-related help.

We only know the couple through dog-walking but we always exchange Christmas cards and they really are lovely people.

I don't know what else to do for him but 'call me anytime' just feels quite hollow.

I've read on here that preparing meals can be helpful when people are bereaved, but is it intrusive to just rock up at his house with food considering we don't actually know him that well?

Would a card be appropriate?

They don't have children or any family so this chap is really alone ATM. I work at home and quite flexibly so I really can help out a lot. But I know that people experiencing bereavement don't always want to reach out and ask for help.

It might be relevant that they're in their late-60s, me and DP are late-30s.

Thanks for any help you can give me!

OP posts:

NBLarsen · 10/05/2023 12:00

There seems to be a trend these days to not call people and to definitely never just turn up at someone's house. However, if you care about him (seems that you do?) I really think the best thing to do is to go to this man's house. If you can bake, take some pre-made dinner and maybe some snack food like biscuits, and milk for tea. Ask then if there is anything he needs help with. Offer to help with the technology things that he mentioned - perhaps he's not great at websites, emails, etc? But also offer practical things, load up the dishwasher, if he's received flowers put them in a vase, etc.

When I was bereaved so many people told me they were happy to help, I just had to let them know. But I was so lost I couldn't let anyone know what I needed, I didn't know myself what I needed. The most cherished help came from people who came in person and made me a cup of tea, hung a load of washing on the line, put some dinner in the fridge that I only needed to microwave. I remember one lovely friend took me out for a 20 minute walk when I hadn't been out of the house for days.

Original poster

IceIceBabyBump · 10/05/2023 12:55

Thank you. I'm sorry for your loss @NBLarsen

I do care about this chap but I don't know him too well. I don't want to behave inappropriately or overstep boundaries because I really do only know him from seeing him and his wife on dog walks and having a chat.

Does this sound okay: If I popped over on Monday next week - assuming he hasn't text beforehand for something specific - with teabags, coffee, milk, biscuits, loo roll. And said "I've got a couple of hours. Shall we go for a dog walk? Or what technology can I help with? Do you want me to call anyone? Shall I run the hoover around?"

OP posts:

NBLarsen · 10/05/2023 14:09

I'd say that sounds perfect, helpful but not intrusive, you seem a very caring friend and I'm sure he will appreciate it.

paiop · 10/05/2023 19:50

Yes do this, and take some meals for him to freeze too.

mnahmnah · 10/05/2023 19:58

I think as a starting point, pop and ask him to go on a dog walk together. Then you can have a good chat and work out what he really needs help with. A good dog walk always helps!

neonleopard · 10/05/2023 20:02

I think that sounds perfect. Probably food bits that can go in the freezer would be ideal - I definitely lost my appetite following a bereavement. How kind of you and how nice he felt able to approach you about this even if you didn't know them that well.

BillyNoM8s · 10/05/2023 20:05

I think I'd pop over in the next day or two to say hello, offer help and invite him round at some point. Make sure he's on track with all the death admin, which can be overwhelming. Just company sometimes, is what people need. And to not be forgotten completely 5 days after the funeral.

BillyNoM8s · 10/05/2023 20:07

I think I'd rather be told to be piss off for being overbearing than for someone to think I didn't care.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/05/2023 20:10

I'd go before Monday if you can, get him out for a dog walk and go from there

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 10/05/2023 20:19

Op, Can I just say what a truly lovely neighbour you are

CrumpetsandJammmm · 10/05/2023 20:22

Your idea sounds perfect. Even just the company for a dog walk might be what he needs, and then you’ll get a chance to talk and find out if there is anything else you can help with.

dinmin · 10/05/2023 20:26

If you don’t know him super well I’d maybe not just turn up (he might not be dressed etc). Perhaps you can text one morning and ask if he’d like you to take the dog out that afternoon / in an hour or two or the same tomorrow and would he like to chat through the tech stuff while you’re there? Then he doesn’t have to think too far in advance but has a bit of notice. I think baked goods etc would be nice - toilet roll etc feels a bit personal and like he can’t look after himself maybe?! But you could also text back if he accepts your offer and say you’re going to the shops, does he need anything?

as others have said - you sound lovely and it’s very kind of you to be giving it so much thought!

waltzingparrot · 10/05/2023 20:49

You could pop round and make sure he knows about the Tell us Once service and set up a time when you can go and help him do it online.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

What to do after someone dies

The steps you must take when someone dies - register a death, report a death with Tell Us Once, coroners, funerals and death abroad.

https://www.gov.uk/after-a-death/organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once

ModeWeasel · 10/05/2023 20:53

I think your approach sounds great op. I might leave out the loo roll but otherwise perfect

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 10/05/2023 20:54

That Tell Us Once service is brilliant. I had to do everything after my mum died and it was super easy. I also used the Co-op funeral service and they were also very helpful. I would text/phone him before Monday and offer a dog walk. He might need something looking up online and you could get the ball rolling for him.

BigglyBee · 10/05/2023 20:55

Too many people stay away because they don't know what to say or do. Just trying will mean something to him. Your plan sounds like a good one.

TwilightSkies · 10/05/2023 20:58

If he’s really alone, I’d go round tomorrow. Monday seems so far away.
It was just the 2 of them, he’s lost his life partner suddenly and unexpectedly. He’s probably in shock.

Soundslikeaterribleidea · 10/05/2023 23:17

Take food that doesn’t need much doing to it, but can be fuel, something like a quiche, good bread, soup cartons or cooked chicken, ready prepped salad.
Theres no head space to work out what you need help with, so be proactive,
When this happened to me, someone just turned up for weeks on end and just said, I’m here to walk your dog. Others took charge of the garden.
There is just so much to do when someone dies, especially without warning, any support is appreciated.

Original poster

IceIceBabyBump · 11/05/2023 10:51

Hello everyone

Thanks for all your comments, so helpful.
I can't really go around before Monday because of stupid work things and DP being away. I'll see if I can reschedule some stuff and pop over tomorrow afternoon.

I totally get the point about texting him in advance and I'd really like to do so. But I don't actually have his number. I was on a work call at first when he came over so DP gave him my number before I came into the room, but didn't get his number.

I hear you about the loo roll. I was just thinking that he mightn't have headspace to go to the shop for essentials. But I guess I can ask what essentials he needs and then head to the shop.

I'm not actually a very good cook so I feel a bit unsure about preparing meals for him. The chances are they'd be terrible 😬

I'll take a look at the "Tell Us Once" service and see if I can set it up for him. I hadn't come across that before. Thank you!

OP posts:

JeanieJo · 12/05/2023 21:53

I think your suggestion is perfect, and a card would be nice too. I think it is great to be proactive and let the person know you are really thinking of them and what they might need.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 12/05/2023 22:01

Take him a card, and put your phone number in it.
Soup cartons are a good idea. No cooking by you needed! Any one-person ready meals that can be defrosted & reheated easily.
I think the dog walk would be a good way to start off, chatting will be natural and you can suss out things you are comfortable offering help with.

bloodywhitecat · 12/05/2023 22:14

A friend used to check if I needed shopping when she was going, the neighbours helped with the garden and keeping the hedge in check, a neighbour a few doors up used to just knock and check if I needed anything, those were the things that helped me when DH died. A card with your number in it is an excellent idea. So many people offer help but you are not in the headspace to know what you need so someone calling in with things like "I am just going for a dog walk, can I take yours too/do you want to come?" are really helpful.

Jellycatbat20 · 12/05/2023 22:37

I think your suggestions of how to help him sound perfect, a lovely friend of mine died several years ago, they had no children, and I've always felt I didn't do enough to help her husband the first couple of days after she died though I tried to make up for it in the weeks that followed, they also had no children or family nearby. The tell me once service didn't exist then I think, a married couple friends of theirs helped him sort out a lot of the practicalities the first two or three days but I've always wished I'd helped sooner.

Original poster

IceIceBabyBump · 13/05/2023 09:57

Thank you everyone.

@Jellycatbat20 That's what I want to avoid - feeling like I said all the right things but didn't actually do anything.

I'm not sure if he has other friends locally who are rallying around but, as PP said, I can always knock-on and be told I'm not needed!

I have a really quite specific view of what to do when someone dies. My dad died when I was 13 and my mum was just angry, really angry. She fell out with basically everyone and wanted everyone to leave her the hell alone. She took people's gestures -like taking around a few supplies - as personal insults so my thinking about what to do is kinda clouded.

But, on Monday, I shall pop over with a bag of supplies and suggest a dog walk or a bit of housework or just a brew. I feel bad that I couldn't get there sooner but I work full time and he been alone with the dog while DP is away with work.

OP posts:

dinmin · 13/05/2023 10:57

Maybe a few treats or chews or a new toy for the dog too (unless he has a restricted diet / guarding issues you know of) - poor thing will be confused and grieving as well

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread