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Original poster

Funeral etiquette

48 replies

MissingMoominMamma · 29/03/2023 21:23

Hello, I’m organising a funeral and I’m onto the wake. I’ve ordered food, and a tea and coffee station, plus hire of a venue.

Do the hosts pay for alcoholic drinks? There is a bar (the venue is a barn attached to a pub).

TIA.

OP posts:
Pollywoddles · 29/03/2023 21:24

No alcohol at a wake.

wendywoopywoo222 · 29/03/2023 21:26

All the ones I've been to guests pay for their own alcohol if they want it.

Sorry for your loss.

Badger1970 · 29/03/2023 21:28

I'd be very wary of alcohol, it can heighten reactions and may be better avoided... when we catered for FIL and my Nan, we did lots of sandwiches, cake slices and copious cups of tea.

Suetcrust · 29/03/2023 21:29

If alcohol is to be available, I would suggest each person buy their own drink. Alternatively, if you can afford it, let the first drink be “on the house.” This was the case at a recent wake I attended.

You are being very gracious. Let the drinkers contribute to their own enjoyment after the first drink.

Original poster
MissingMoominMamma · 29/03/2023 21:30

These were my feelings too, but a friend of the deceased wants to pay for the alcoholic drinks. I feel a bit weird about it.

OP posts:
Anycolouryoulike · 29/03/2023 21:31

If there's a bar then I'd let people buy their own drinks.

Xmasfairy86 · 29/03/2023 21:32

Went to a funeral last year where there was a cocktail for everyone, at the deceased’s request. Was a lovely gesture and not something I’ve had before! She planned her own funeral 😢

Xmasfairy86 · 29/03/2023 21:33

Should also add the bar was open but we bought any further drinks ourselves

Lyricallie · 29/03/2023 21:33

So I’m Scottish and catholic so I feel our funerals are a bit different to Protestant English ones but the ones I’ve been to it’s been a cash bar and the host would go round thank everyone for coming and offer a drink. So they paid for some (although a lot of people said not to bother and bought their own).

StopFeckingFaffing · 29/03/2023 21:33

If friend wants to pay for drinks then assume they can just agree a limit with the venue and drinks will be paid did until that limit is reached

I don't think anyone one would expect it but it's a nice gesture

Perhaps agree a maximum number of free drinks per person if you are worried some people may abuse the generosity or drink too much

Newusernameaug · 29/03/2023 21:34

it Depends on who the person was and who will be attending. One side of my family - a wake would be alcohol fuelled, the other side would be tea and cake fuelled, if someone wants to pay for it, I’d let them it’s a very kind offer and I’m sure lots of people would appreciate it.

wheresmymojo · 29/03/2023 21:34

Pollywoddles · 29/03/2023 21:24

No alcohol at a wake.

Really?

I've never been to a wake without alcohol?

CuteCillian · 29/03/2023 21:37

Similarly to above, at DH's uncles' recent funeral, each guest was offered a choice of wine, whiskey or sherry upon arrival. We did provide a bar but, after the freebie, most people stuck to tea and coffee.

CC4712 · 29/03/2023 21:38

Depending on the amount of money and how it was organised, could you suggest that that friend donate the drinks money to a charity that the deceased would have wanted? Or allow 1 paid drink per person and the rest they pay for.

Topseyt123 · 29/03/2023 21:41

You don't have to pay for all drinks, alcoholic or otherwise. If you do want to then set a sensible limit, like one free drink each. Beyond that limit then people must pay for their own.

I have been to funerals where the wake was in the local pub. I went expecting to have to pay for my drinks. The hosts did actually pay for a drink each, which was good of them, but nobody expected it. All of us were willing to pay for our own.

Original poster
MissingMoominMamma · 29/03/2023 21:42

I had said I’d pay for the first drink, so that people could toast. The friend has made me feel like I was being a bit miserly!

OP posts:
CC4712 · 29/03/2023 21:43

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

I meant to say that I've been to a mix of funerals. Some held in a pub where drinks could be purchased but also places which are attached to the crematorium and only tea/coffee and cake was served. I don't ever recall having an alcoholic drink paid for.

Redbone · 29/03/2023 21:44

I’ve never been to a wake with alcohol either.

Anycolouryoulike · 29/03/2023 21:46

Every wake I've ever been to has had alcohol.

Onlyhereforchaletschool · 29/03/2023 21:49

think its a case of knowing your guests … we had an open bar at my dads .. entire bill was about £30 … and some of that was my Diet Coke … the unlimited tea and coffee went down well though!

Gladiaterf · 29/03/2023 21:49

Where in the country are people having AF wakes?

I've never been to a wake that didn't have alcohol.

Username24680 · 29/03/2023 21:50

@MissingMoominMamma I worked in a venue for a good few years that hosted many many wakes. The vast majority were 1 free drink on arrival.
And I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

pinkySilver · 29/03/2023 21:51

Never been to one without alcohol. The last one I organised we had it in a pub and put £300 behind the bar for whatever people wanted. Coffee and tea and water free. Another was in the home. We did catered food wine, water, tea and coffee. MIL's was in the gold club - buffet and wine on the table. Cleared away and then for those who stayed late a cash bar. Went to seven or eight over the past few years, (all my dad's brothers and sisters dying off). All had alcohol. It seems mean not to.

pinkySilver · 29/03/2023 21:52

sorry, not gold - - golf club - we're not millionaires!

Hadalifeonce · 29/03/2023 21:52

I have been to funerals which were alcohol free, others were buy your own, and others were a free bar. So it all boils down to what, either the deceased, or the people arranging the funeral want.