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Bereavement

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Original poster

Funeral etiquette

48 replies

MissingMoominMamma · 29/03/2023 21:23

Hello, I’m organising a funeral and I’m onto the wake. I’ve ordered food, and a tea and coffee station, plus hire of a venue.

Do the hosts pay for alcoholic drinks? There is a bar (the venue is a barn attached to a pub).

TIA.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 29/03/2023 21:55

Not always by any means. But occasionally drinks are served and taken round. With a choice of say sherry or whiskey. But money behind the bar isn't usual at a funeral.

Changingplace · 29/03/2023 21:56

I’ve been to plenty of wakes held in pubs, but none have had drinks provided, a buffet is standard and a welcome drink would be a nice gesture but I don’t think a full free bar is necessary, much as it’s generous of the friend to offer.

kweeble · 29/03/2023 21:58

We paid for the first drink and for soft drinks - most people were driving so it was much less than we thought.

Somanycats · 29/03/2023 22:13

Last funeral I went to was in the deceased's favourite pub. Free bar - don't know how much had been put behind the bar, but it never ran out.

Cookerhood · 29/03/2023 22:19

My dad paid the bar bill at my mum's funeral, so I did the same at his. The most recent one I went to had wine on the tables.

gogohmm · 29/03/2023 22:22

Up to you, some provide alcohol, some do not, really depends on your budget

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 29/03/2023 22:30

I have been to wakes both with and without alcohol. I wouldn't expect more than a sandwich and a cup of tea, so the first drink being free would be fine.

DogInATent · 29/03/2023 22:36

A wake often has alcohol.
A funeral tea rarely has alcohol.

The etiquette varies slightly depending where you are. Do what you want to do.

2chocolateoranges · 29/03/2023 22:38

The funerals I’ve been to the first drink is normally paid by the family and after hat it’s up to each individual to buy their own drinks.

I’ve been to a couple of small funerals where all drinks were paid for by the family.

Standbyguest · 29/03/2023 22:38

Every wake I have ever been to has been at a pub. One was at an amazing cocktail bar! Never heard of no alcohol at a wake but the hosts shouldn't have to pay.

Honeyroar · 29/03/2023 22:41

We wanted to buy the first drink for everyone, but a lot of people got there before us, so I’m not sure we bought for everyone. We never thought, but tell the venue in advance you’re going to buy first drinks.

Ive never been to a wake without alcohol.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 29/03/2023 23:21

Every wake I've been to has been a fabulous alcohol fuelled celebration of the person's life. I've always paid for my own drinks.

Funeral teas I've attended have been low-key events with people talking in hushed times over free cups of tea.

You're not being miserly for not offering more than 1 drink. You can plan the wake as you want. Sorry for your loss OP. Whatever type of event you arrange I hope it brings you comfort and peace.

HoppingPavlova · 30/03/2023 12:29

Never been to a wake without alcohol or where it wasn’t paid for by hosts as part of the package. I’d never object to buying my own drinks but gave just never had to.

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 12:30

We had a bar we paid for at My Mums but only close family came to the after party anyway and most were driving so it was only around £200.

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/03/2023 12:32

If you can afford it, it is nice to pay for a drink for a toast.

But I have been at funerals where you paid for your own, received one drink for a toast, where there was an open bar.

Whatever you go with please don't worry about it.

flipent · 30/03/2023 12:36

My Great Uncle stipulated that the bar bill should be higher than the food bill at his wake - we came close but didn't quite fulfil his wishes.

Enko · 30/03/2023 12:38

I've been to more wakes with no alcohol in the UK (SE) than with. I grew up in Denmark and there I've only known alcohol free ones.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 30/03/2023 12:38

I've been to all sorts of funeral teas and wakes over the years but the vast majority have had alcohol, whether a paying or free bar.

In our family we generally stick £300 or so behind the bar and when it runs out, it's gone. Normally people enjoy reminiscing with friends and family after a few drinks so it's often turned a miserable day into a more enjoyable one.

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 30/03/2023 14:25

My London in-laws usually have wakes in pubs. Tea & coffee is supplied free but guests usually pay for their own booze. A spread is always put on.

maddy68 · 30/03/2023 17:43

We had it it at a pub. Yea and coffee were available. People bought their own drinks

Inextremis · 30/03/2023 19:03

We had my Dad's in a bar which we had exclusive access to for a couple of hours - put £200 behind the bar and ordered in pizzas from the Dominos two doors away. There were also wine gums, because he loved them. He also loved a drink, so there was no way it was going to be a dry wake! I don't think there's a standard way to do it - it depends on the person and how you think it's best to honour their memory.

Motheranddaughter · 30/03/2023 19:14

Am in Scotland
There is usually a drink on arrival
Including soft drink option

NotAnotherUserNumber · 03/04/2023 11:24

We are having a funeral/wake this week. It is being held over lunch time and we are offering red or white wine, orange juice and lemonade from arrival for about an hour and a half while food is served (standing served finger food) Also teas, coffee and water throughout. There is also a pay bar if people want a different drink or to continue later.

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