Dad died so fast

[Sohereitissuddenly]

My Dad died on Saturday.

He had pancreatic cancer and then a stroke. I live miles away and managed to be there for his last week which was a rollercoaster of decline. From seeing him last Sunday when he was talking but hard to understand, to Wednesday and Thursday when he couldn't speak, couldn't see... Just torturous awful descent. It was horrific.

I just looked at the calendar. I found out his diagnosis three weeks ago. He didn't see a consultant for ten days after seeing his diagnosis in his discharge notes. He saw the consultant on the Monday just over two weeks ago. He gave him 3 to 6 months. This time last week I was trying to get him to a hospice but was told he wasn't ill enough to be top of the list. By Saturday he was dead.

I'm back at home, feeling numb.

I posted in 30 days only but maybe here is the right place to say what I'm thinking. I have nobody around me. Just my little autistic boy who is happy to be home and back at school.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

I'm so terribly sorry, you must be traumatized and shocked.

Thank you. Yes. I am a bit all over the place. Just so fast.

I went through my email with him yesterday..I think he knew he was ill, and kept quiet. He had an ongoing minor complaint and he/GP put all symptoms down to that. I don't know if it was willful ignorance or denial or whatever you would call it. I just feel like he knew. Wish I could have seen him before he was so ill. Have one last walk, or beer or chat. My last visit was last summer and we had a big fall out.

He was really quite horrible to me but with hindsight I think he was ill and keeping quiet. Maybe he suspected it wasn't his usual issue and was scared.

At least I got to tell him I loved him last week.

Gosh op what a terrible shock for you. Maybe a good thing for him his suffering didn't last too long but just horrible for you xx

I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad three weeks ago under similar circumstances, however he lived for nine weeks after his diagnosis but the decline was horrific. He too lost the ability to speak a couple of days before he died but he was getting very agitated. We were all there when he died but I feel traumatised by the whole thing. Big hugs to you x

Looking back, my dad was ill for ages and never sought medical advice. You can tell from photos spanning back over the last year that something was wrong, he was losing weight and was grumpy, he too was horrible to me on occasion which makes everything feel worse. He had a malignancy of unknown origin but they suspected it was stomach cancer.

Oh @Amethyst1974 hugs back. I read up on the agitation to try and make sense of it. It seems quite common and is caused by various factors. I'm sorry your Dad was grumpy with you too. It was the illness though and not how he really felt.

Sounds daft but it felt like something out of a sci-fi movie. Like watching my Dad being taken over by this parasitic organism of the cancer. Just horrible, but I am trying to focus on who he really was and think about the positive things he did in his life and for me.

I'm allowing myself to rest as much as possible this week and try and get some physical strength back. I hav mecfs so it's hitting me physically this week.

A relative by marriage had the same condition and it was very fast and upsetting for all concerned. It is a horrible form of cancer. I realise that is not very comforting, but I hope it might help you a bit to know that it is often that quick and there's nothing you could have done differently. The regrets are very understandable, and I'm glad you got to see him again before he went. he probably understood what you were saying even if he couldn't talk himself, and it will have meant a lot to him that you came.

That’s horrendously fast OP, I’m so sorry. Mum mum was dying for four months and we feel that was too speedy to process. All my sympathies x

How old was your dad?

Neighbour passed about 18m ago in a similar way (also pancreatic cancer) although he was also dealing with a separate chronic illness so maybe mortality was more on his horizon as a possible. From diagnosis to his death was < 2 weeks iirc. Neighbour didn't have a stroke, though, and could clearly communicate his final wishes (funeral etc) to his wife, say his goodbyes. I feel bad for her because it's 2nd time she lost a husband to cancer.

Reminder to us all to try to make every day a good one. You don't know what future holds.

Pancreatic cancer is particularly cruel. Fast.

I am sorry for your loss. My dad too had the agitation for about a year before his diagnosis then death.

He was 77.

What I am finding hard is that the care he had was very poor in places. Some kind and dedicated individuals but the system is all wrong. When I arrived he was down to be fast tracked to discharge him home with carers, but he couldn't even stand without two people and equipment. The Macmillan nurse told me that even with funding for carers, he would not get the amount of visits he was down for because there are not enough of them My Mum was clearly going along with what Dad wanted but until I arrived and made them face reality, it was going to happen. Within another day he was bedbound and one more day, I was told he was too ill to move to the care home I found - having been told he was not ill enough for a hospice. He was dead three days later

I want to talk to the complaints team to understand exactly what decisions were made and what happened. But they have to get my Mum's permission to speak to me. She's not in a fit state just now.

I completely understand how you feel. My DDad was diagnosed with lung and liver cancer and passed in within three weeks.
After diagnosis we were told he would be having biopsies done - they never happened, he passed on the day we should have been seeing his consultant. He went from talking to deteriorating in no time at all. I can't get my head around it all and his last few weeks have traumatised me.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine your pain and upset.

My mother had a brain haemorrhage during COVID (it was very sudden but not a surprise). Dad really struggled
because he didn't get to see her whilst she was dying.

I wish I had advice for you, I guess just solidarity with you for being so unsettled and how you're feeling. You know we are all thinking of you.

Pancreatic cancer is a silent killer, my DH had bile duct cancer (he was initially told pancreatic) then had a stroke and we had a very similar experience to your mum and dad, the care DH had was poor. It felt like he was written off because of the type of cancer he had. DH's initial symptoms were down played by the GP and he was sent away from A&E despite the fact he was so yellow he was glowing. It's so shocking isn't it? I an happy to chat by PM if it helps.

There's a possibility my DD had pancreatic cancer too. I'll never know now but I recently discovered he told someone it was pancreatic as well as liver and lung.

It is totally brutal - in the grand scheme of things my Dad was young and this is what troubles me. I should have had more time with him.

@bloodywhitecat I am sorry for what you went through. It is shocking.

@MrsMorton I can't imagine how absolutely awful it must have been during COVID. I'm so sorry.

@Bluemat how long ago did you lose your Dad? I do hope you have some support 💐

I'm finding it hard today because I can't even do anything. It's up to my mum. Hospital won't speak to me without her permission and she doesn't want to know just now understandably, but I feel I have no agency just now. The funeral is the same.

It means a lot to have kindness and understanding here.

What a terrible shock that must be. I'm so sorry for your loss.

@Sohereitissuddenly it's 5 weeks today since my Dad passed.
I have lots of support but in the last week I don't feel like I'm coping well at all. I just want him back and coming to terms with it isn't easy at all. I feel like a shadow of my old self.

My mum passed away suddenly in December. She had moved back to uk 3 weeks previously and bought an amazing flat with my dad to be beside my brother and my nephew.

she got the keys 7 days before she passed. They couldn’t work the heating and was so cold. She had lung issues but was fine. She caught a cold, which turned into pneumonia that she couldn’t fight. I remember my dad sending a text to say she was in hospital with a chest infection and will be home next day.

I called and he started to cry saying she had pneumonia and she will make it. I was confused and shocked as never heard my dad cry also had just woken up from a nightshift. Hour later the ICU dr called to say she was going into an induced coma as critically ill and to speak to her via FaceTime.

I did and got to say I love you. It was a horrible wait and I couldn’t travel as so far away and drs said not to till she was safe.
few hours later my brother FaceTime me to be there when she died.

it was 12hrs of feeling unwell to dying. O only found out 6 hrs before she died. No one expected her to die from a viral cold. I remember asking the consultant if she was dying. Her answer was my mum was critically ill but hopefully she would recover from the induced coma. Staff were amazing and acted quick. Mum did t look that unwell but crashed suddenly and thankfully was taken to icu shortly before as medical team sensed she was critical.

I was so shocked. So sad parents couldn’t enjoy their planned retirement. So sudden. The staff who looked after her got offered counselling. We had to fight to get a debrief. After care was shocking

I'm so sorry OP. My dad died of the same thing and although it was twenty years ago I still feel bitter about it. He was diagnosed with backache and possible angina or a stomach ulcer or old age - he was so unwell and finally got a diagnosis two weeks before he died. It's only then that he got any relief or care. He was never a man to complain but he got unreasonably difficult and we didn't realise why.
You told your dad you loved him - but he knew that. Take care of yourself OP XX

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. It’s so hard to lose a parent, and a terrible blow when someone dies suddenly like that.
Give yourself time to grieve and try to look after yourself.
I hope I say this right, I would like to try and reassure you that, horrible as it is in some ways, sometimes people do die within a few days or weeks of diagnosis. It’s a terrible experience for loved ones. It doesn’t necessarily mean that much could have been done differently.
Equally, others lose their loved ones sometimes over years of decline through dementia or frailty etc and that can be a difficult experience for the family too.

@JussathoB of course, long drawn out death I imagine is traumatic in a different way.

Today is a week ago since I said goodbye. I'm not sure even what my last words to him were. I can't remember. That's awful isn't it? All I remember is walking out to the corridor and standing in the corridor to compose myself before going to the car where my DS was waiting. Of course, I didn't know it was definitely the last time I'd see him but it's awful I can't remember. Today has been a hard day.

I’m so sorry, my dad died of cancer the same day he was diagnosed. So shocking. Wishing you strength through these difficult weeks x

So sorry for your loss 💐
A relative of mine was recently given 5 months to live, he went after 2 due to an infection. It was still a shock.

Sorry for your loss, I lost my mum in very similar circumstances,

She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 3 weeks later, was told weeks or months, it was a shock as she had no symptoms (only weight loss, as someone said, pancreatic cancer is a silent killer).

I looked after her at home, we did have nurses coming in twice and day and red cross brought a hospital bed and had carers coming in the last week as she could no longer get out of bed. But the decline was shocking, went from being able to get around, able to get upstairs to bed and in 3 short weeks, unable to get out off bed or do anything.

For her I'm glad it was quick and she went to sleep one night and didn't wake up, was in no pain. But for me was traumatic, 4 years ago now and I remember everyday off those 3 weeks, but the days,weeks, months afterwards are a blur.

Look after yourself, I know it's very sad but your dad is at peace now. I know you'll be thinking what if but it won't help. Take each day at a time, I too was alone (only had a cat) but he got me out off bed each day. I now look back and remember the happy times, memories.