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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Why am I not feeling it?

32 replies

emmie72 · 02/02/2023 19:36

My husband died 10 days ago. It was expected, he was terminally ill but it came quite quickly at the end.
I thought when it happened, I would be inconsolable, in floods of tears and not able or willing to do anything. However, I'm strangely ok. I have had some crying sessions, particularly in the first few days but I'm now busy sorting out the funeral and notifying all the companies that need to know. We haven't had the funeral yet but I'm already thinking about going back to my art classes, meeting up with friends and even going back to work. I'm looking into groups that I can join to build a social life. What's wrong with me, am I in denial or did I not love him as much as I thought?

OP posts:

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/02/2023 19:40

Sorry to hear about your OH. People grieve differently, you are dealing with so much.

KirstenBlest · 02/02/2023 19:42

Sorry about your loss.
It might be because you are busy now and it hasn't registered properly yet. Maybe it's because you knew it was inevitable.
Everybody's grief is different. It might hit you weeks or months down the line.

Keep yourself busy. You loved him, and he loved you, but you need to keep your life going. Thinking of you.

Littlemissprosecco · 02/02/2023 19:43

You’re doing all the normal, of getting on with things.
Grief will come when you’re least expecting it. I’m sure you loved him immensely, the reality just takes some time.
Sorry for your loss 💐

Outtasteamandluck · 02/02/2023 19:43

I'm sorry for your loss

Lem0nsherbert · 02/02/2023 19:43

Sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves differently. I think when you have lived with someone who had a terminal illness you almost grieve while they're still there, if that makes sense. Hope you're OK.

urrrgh46 · 02/02/2023 19:46

As above - everyone grieves differently. Maybe you did your grieving before he died. My sister took her own life aged 38 but she had had a crappy time for basically her whole adult life with a very severe paranoid and delusional psychological illness. She's had no quality of life. The only time i cried was at her funeral.

urrrgh46 · 02/02/2023 19:47

I'm sorry you've had to go through losing your husband. xx

iklboo · 02/02/2023 19:52

I'm so sorry for your loss. Last year I lost both parents within nine weeks of each other. I'm an only child so when dad passed away I was straight into organising / admin mode sorting all the paperwork, arranging the cremation, trying to get mum carers to come in once a day.

I was just coming to the end of that when mum died and I had to start the processes off all over again. I didn't give myself time to grieve - I was still too busy doing.

It was a few weeks later when a TV show had a character whose dad had died. It was then it all hit me at once and I started to grieve.

I agree with PP that everyone's grief is different. There's no right or wrong way how you grieve.

Please do look after yourself.

FluffyFluffyClouds · 02/02/2023 19:53

This was me when my parents died. I had grieved "normally" for people before (am now in 50s so really not my first bereavements) so I was frankly disturbed and wanted to know what was going on.

Talking to friends though, it seems this is a normal variation, just, not much talked of.
I absolutely could have done without sitting through my much-loved Mum's memorial service numb and dry eyed. But what are you going to do?

I am sorry for your loss OP.
But you were there for your husband when he needed you.

MrsMitford3 · 02/02/2023 19:56

My Dh died after a long battle with leukaemia. I think you start grieving so early in the illness that you can be numb when it finally happens.

I went to grief counselor just once but one of the questions stuck with me- "when did you lose you husband?" and I said "when did I start to lose him or when did I lose him completely?" because as soon as he became ill he stopped, bit by bit, being my husband (through absolutely no fault of his own-he was deathly ill) because being a patient was so all consuming.

So @emmie72 be kind to yourself-you have probably been grieving for a long time.
There is no right or wrong. Some days you may be find and others something silly will hit you.
For example some days post would arrive for him and I couldn't throw it away because it had his name on it so I put it on the side. Another day I felt strong and could clear out the pile.

Feel confident to do it your way.

theemmadilemma · 02/02/2023 20:03

@MrsMitford3 That's beautifully insightful.

Condolences to both of you.

theemmadilemma · 02/02/2023 20:05

I like this on grief:

www.mumsadvice.co.uk/i-washed-the-orange-cup-today/?amp=1

bloodywhitecat · 02/02/2023 20:07

I loved the bones of my husband, I miss him every single day. He died almost a year ago and, like your DH, we knew he was terminal but his death came more quickly than we expected. I cried in the moment he died. I cried a couple of times while organising his funeral and I cried on the day but nowhere near as much as I thought I would. I have never been inconsolable and the tears have always stopped very very quickly so no, I don't think it means you loved him any less or are in some way cold or heartless. In many ways we go through anticipatory grief, our grieving started before they died and I think it makes our journey different to a sudden, unexpected death.

Be kind to yourself, what you are experiencing is normal for some of us

SlaveToTheVibe · 02/02/2023 20:16

You’re only ten days in OP

i am two months today and am absolutely heartbroken without my mum. It’s only really got me in the last couple of weeks. I know losing my husband would be so much worse. Give yourself time and when you’re feeling ok. Make the most of it. In the moment that grief hits I am immobilised in every way. So sorry for your loss. ❤️

PizzaNinja · 02/02/2023 20:21

In my personal experience of loss, I’ve felt an odd disconnect at the start. I think it’s like - you know when you see a shop closing up for the night, they pull those roller shutters down to stop break-ins? It’s almost like those roller shutters come down around my mind, as a protective measure. So that my mind only allows manageable chunks of pain through at a time, because if I felt it all at once I’d crumble to dust psychologically. Your subconscious will sometimes put barriers up to allow you some level of functioning.

I think what I’m saying, in a roundabout way, is that your grieving process doesn’t necessarily start at the moment of death, it’s not linear. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love your husband as much as you thought, I think your brain might be in the ‘not ready to let pain overwhelm me’ defensive mode right now. I’m sorry for your loss, do take care💐

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/02/2023 20:24

There's no handbook on grief. The stages of grief is bollocks. And I know this isn't a popular opinion but actually I think it is easier when you know it's coming aand you have a chance to prepare. You might find it bubbling up at a later point when you least expect it, so just bear that in mind. If you start to feel a bit wobbly then I highly recommend listening to Griefcast x

midnightblue12 · 02/02/2023 20:29

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
As others have said, grief presents itself very differently.
I imagine dealing with a terminal illness you've had time to process and grieve and sadly I imagine you get like you lost along time ago.
Don't put pressure on yourself to feel anything. Don't worry about or expect it to hit you, just take each day as it comes.

KirstenBlest · 02/02/2023 20:30

I think it is easier when you know it's coming and you have a chance to prepare
I agree. When someone is terminally ill, you're expecting it, and it's sort of peaceful. If the death is unexpected, all sorts of things go through you mind.

Badger1970 · 02/02/2023 20:31

My Dad died last Friday, just 6 months after his diagnosis of liver cancer. His care needs completely enveloped my life and now he's gone, I thought I'd be devastated but am strangely feeling incredibly calm.

I see a bereavement counsellor via the hospice my Dad was in for respite care, and I think the anticipatory grief kicked in from Dad's diagnosis and I've shed so many tears over the last 6 months that it's almost like I have none left right now.

I think they'll come when I least expect them. I'm back at work, and life is slowly winding on even if very different to before. Go easy on yourself

Firkinhavinalaugh · 02/02/2023 20:40

I had similar when my darling dad died.

then one day, I was at the dr getting a prescription and seeing the dr (pre covid ….) and a couple came in, they were bickering with the woman saying the kind of things my dm said to my ddad.

I walked into the dr and just fell apart - he automatically gave me all the cruse details and held my hand. It was so unexpected, during what was a mundane process. So be kind to yourself, also let it happen if it does - don’t hold it in x

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

CandlelightGlow · 02/02/2023 20:48

I understand OP. I don't think your love for your husband is less than anyone else's not do I think you need to quantify love.

I remember reading the Thomas Harris books, and the main protagonist has a terminally ill wife. I vividly remember him writing that when his wife died, he didn't cry. He had done his crying. You're not grieving less in my humble opinion, you've already had to do a fair portion of your grieving whilst your DH was alive.

Ghostlight · 02/02/2023 20:55

Sorry for your loss, grief works differently for everyone and people cope with a massive loss differently too- if you feel like getting out and doing things then go for it.

I was similar, didn't really feel like anything 'hit' me and I wanted to be working and sorting everything out. I was very practical about everything, until 5 and half months later I was making coffee and got two mugs out the cupboard without thinking and cried for hours.
There is no right way to feel xx

KangarooKenny · 02/02/2023 20:57

You started grieving when he got his diagnosis. There is no rule as to how this has to go.
I remember breaking my heart when one of my cats died, but I was actually crying for my mum who had died a few years earlier, but she had passed so quickly and unexpectedly that I didn’t have time to process it.
You get back to your life if you’re ready.

Winemygoodenemy · 02/02/2023 21:03

My mum died unexpectedly 2 months ago. I felt I was in a trance at the start. I went back to work 4 weeks later. People still think I haven’t grieved. I feel calm and at peace. I spoke to dr a few weeks after she died to understand what happened. I think finding out it was something they couldn’t fix helped.

Unfortunately life goes on. I get sad thinking about what she will miss. But remember she would have been angry if I stopped living. I was going to lose my parents sometime.

don’t beat yourself up. We all grieve differently. I felt guilty as I wasn’t breaking down in front of people. Had my moments, upset, sad. Just do what you need to do to get through it

MyGrandmaLizzie · 02/02/2023 23:18

Sorry for your loss. You might feel it more after the funeral, it's a strange feeling between the death and the funeral.

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