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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Friend's little girl died a year ago next week, what should I give her to let her know we are her and thinking of them?

35 replies

NicMac · 05/02/2008 12:26

Well, the title sums it up really. My friend's two and a half year old daughter died a year ago next week. I see her everyday so will certainly talk to her but wondered if I should send her a card too. I wish I could just bottle love and send it to her and her family as they certainly need and deserve some.

OP posts:

MaryAnnSingleton · 05/02/2008 12:27

why not a little bunch of flowers ?

Flier · 05/02/2008 12:28

I would send some flowers or a card with a note with what you just said above "I wish I could just bottle love and send it to her and her family".

marina · 05/02/2008 12:29

Send her a card
It will mean a huge amount to know that you are remembering her dd as well

SorenLorensen · 05/02/2008 12:30

I sent a card and flowers a year after my friend's Mum died - she was very touched as no-one else remembered (and I always email her that day - I sometimes wonder if I should but then I think well, she's not going to have forgotten, is she?). As you are going to see her you could take some flowers or a plant and a card too, if you want - but I think just seeing her, and hugging her, and remembering will mean a lot to her. My friend lives hundreds of miles away so I couldn't do that.

Wolfgirl · 05/02/2008 12:34

oh how very sad . You have a big heart NicMac, and Im sure just being there for her will be much appreciated. Yes... a little card with exactly what you said in your above thread "I wish I could bottle love...." . If it was sent to me, it would make my day in the absence of my little girl.

Do you think she will visit her little girls grave? would she like company - maybe? Just a thought. xx

TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 05/02/2008 12:48

Agree flowers - a small spring posy perhaps?

If you're thinking about a permanent plant for the garden make sure it's incredibly hardy. My mother was given various plants in remembrance of my father - most of which also died. None of my family were very put out but it may affect people in different ways.

MaryAnnSingleton · 05/02/2008 12:50

yes, spring posy would be very sweet and little card as others have suggested

supadoula · 05/02/2008 13:00

I have a friend in the same situation and I will give her a tree twist www.treetwist.co.uk/pages/eco_friendly_lovetwists.htm

or you can find it on www.notonthehighstreet.com
They will plant a tree for you and your friend gets to keep the little present.
hope this helps

Original poster

NicMac · 05/02/2008 13:46

Thank you for all your suggestions and comments, it is very kind and thoughtful of you to take the time to reply. Her daughter's grave is a long way away, sadly my friend also lost her twin sister in tragic circumstances ten years ago and she decided to bury DD and her sister together. I went a couple of weeks ago. Next Tuesday is going to be such a tough day, I was at the hospital when we found out she had passed away,I can honestly say that I think it was the most horrible day of my life. On top of this the circumstances are such that my friend is also tormented by guilt. Her DD was only 2.5 years old. I think something like this just changes your whole perspective on life and children especially. My heart goes out to you all who are missing a loved one. Thanks again

OP posts:

Eliza2 · 05/02/2008 13:48

We have had the same thing with a local friend who lost a son last month.

I ring up every now and then and ask if she feels like company. If she does I just pop round for a coffee and a talk. And a hug.

Like you, I wish I could take my friend's pain away for just an hour so she could have some rest.

Thanks supadoula for the link! I'm going to look into that.

wangle99 · 05/02/2008 19:18

I have a similar thing here with a friend (although she lost twins to premature birth). Every year I send her some flowers saying 'thinking of you and J & Z today'.

She says it means so much to know someone is thinking of her and them.

notnowbernard · 05/02/2008 19:22

My best friend lost a baby girl at 26 weeks (pg)

She knows I light a candle for her on her birthday (I use the same one each year). She says it helps knowing that her baby is in someone else's thoughts, not just hers. She says she doesn't want her to be forgotten

lottiejenkins · 05/02/2008 19:34

I lost my ds at 26 weeks into my pregnancy(he'd be 13 now), my bestest friend(of 30 years) rings me on his birthday every year to say shes thinking of me.

Wilkie · 05/02/2008 19:40

A card with lovely words

hazygirl · 06/02/2008 14:10

a card with lovely words means the world to most people i dont know if im different to alot but flowers make me relive wot i can remember of the funeral just after jayden did work sent me the biggest bouquet you have ever seen , i accepted them they came in for a natter and that and dp knew i wanted none and as soon as they left he took them roubd to a friends ,it was just horrible, cards ive saved them all and look at constantly. on jaydens 1st birhday i put flowers on his grave for the 1st time, because i felt i had to ,but it broke my heart he should have had cars, thomas tank and not a bunch of flowersxx sorry im rantingx

Flier · 06/02/2008 16:07

that was a good point, hazygirl, and I suppose that only those who have been through it, like yourself, would know.

Original poster

NicMac · 06/02/2008 20:34

Hazygirl, I am so sorry that you lost Jayden. Thanks so much for your thoughts. I am going to ask my friend if they would like a bench at the park dedicated to her DD. We used to all go there with our children (in fact we even went together this afternoon)maybe this would be a more long standing memorial. I will definitely send her a card though.

OP posts:

JingleyJen · 06/02/2008 20:38

My friend lost her little boy when he was 4 days old, we sent her a card last year just saying thinking of you all (or something like that). I know she appreciated it, we have talked openly about it since.

etchasketch · 06/02/2008 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eleusis · 06/02/2008 20:53

A friend of mine lost her daughter when she was 10. For several years after the death I would send her an e-mail on the day. Sometime I wrote a poem of things I remembered about the girl, and sometimes just a quick e-mail to say I was thinking of her.

And that reminds me, her birthday is in four days... and oh my God, she would be 21... (21 is a real celebration in the states because it is the drinking age). I think I should get crackin' on another poem..

But I think for your friend anything that says you are thinking of her will be much appreciated.

hazygirl · 07/02/2008 08:34

the fact that you remember is the greastest thing jayden died of cot death and beieve me sometimes i think it islike he never exsisted , or people think it upsets you to remember

eleusis · 07/02/2008 13:54

I remember going through a period of not knowing whether to menttion her daughter because I wasn't sure if mentioning her would make my friend sad when she was otherwise not thinking about her loss or whether to not mention her was a disservice to her memory as if she hadn't ever existed. I knew we didn't want to forget her, but I din't know what to say and when or what not say for a long time.

Original poster

NicMac · 07/02/2008 19:43

eleusis, that is exactly how I feel sometimes and as if I don't want to bring it up too much as she might just want a distraction and not to talk about DD. It is difficult to judge, I guess you have to be guided by your instincts even if they are not always spot on - I sometimes make my friend sad I think because I ask her if she is really okay and she breaks down.

OP posts:

Habbibu · 07/02/2008 19:46

Nicmac, that bench is just a lovely idea. Agree with the others - just showing you remember is so brilliant.

eleusis · 08/02/2008 08:21

Sorry, I missed the bench. Yes, I think that's a great idea.

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