My son died 15th January 2004.
He was 6 years old.
Nobody has ever 'remembered' or done anything on the significant dates of his short life. His birthday, the anniversary of his death, the funeral date. Most people just expect you to be 'over it' and to have moved on.
The expression 'time heals' is utter b**x . With your parents you KNOW one day they will die. They grow older and when it happens you deal with it, grieve and then you do move on. With a child it is so unnatural that they should leave this earth before you do.
You expect them to grow, to go through school, to become obnoxious teens, to get drunk and come in late. You expect all the stress of exams and the first broken heart.
You expecty to see them marry and to have children of their own. You do not expect to be sitting in a room looking at their coffin.
Their is a huge void between parents whose children are fit and healthy and those, like me, who have held their dying child in their arms. You cannot expect to ever cross this gap but there is so much you can do to help. Never be afraid to mention that childs name. For me, a poem by Elizabeth Dent really summed it up:
Remembering
by Elizabeth Dent
Go ahead and mention my child
The one that died you know
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent.
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say ?pretty good? or ?fine?
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.