Husband died, utterly besotted and obsessed with my bereavement therapist.

[Iknowthisisridiculousbut]

Sorry about the name change.
This is embarrassing, excruciating and taking over all my thoughts. After losing my husband this year l started bereavement therapy.
l am now completely obsessed by this therapist. He’s a great therapist but also handsome, intelligent, empathetic and in touch with his emotions. I have fallen head over heels for him. His presence in my head has all but erased my thoughts for my husband.
I don’t even feel like l am mourning him such is the amount of daydreaming and fantasising l do . It’s painful. Like the worst teenage crush.
l know l can never have him, l know l am being ridiculous. Is this my brains devious way of distracting me from grief ?
What can l do ? It is just too shameful to tell him and talk it out.
Should l leave the therapy ?

Remember he's being pad to care. He could be an absolute nob head in reality.

Sorry about your husband.

I’m sorry for your loss.

Look up “transference”.

It’s not uncommon to transfer feelings onto therapists. But I think you might need to find another one.

I’m sorry for your loss. This sounds like transference and it is part of your grief. Yes you can talk to your therapist about it- he should be fully aware of the phenomenon.

I’m sorry for your loss

normal reaction, he is being paid to work, you will work through it.

If you can talk to your therapist about this. If he’s experienced ( hopefully) he will know about transference and can work with you to resolve this. Transference is often part of the therapeutic relationship.I’m sorry for your loss.

I need to try and focus on this. I know a few things about him that he has shared that generally put him in a good light. But l guess l know nothing of his real personality.l have fallen for his therapist “persona.”

I have read a little about erotic transference and idealising transference. I would say this started as me idealising him but is now an all consuming erotic transference. I will read more.
I just hope l can get past this and let my grief for my husband back in.

It does sound like transference, I'm afraid. I have some experience of this - when my boyfriend died, years back, I 'moved on' very quickly, but it was just a way to stop myself feeling so bad. It delayed my grieving process.

You may like to either talk to your therapist about this, see what he advises, or change to another therapist.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Wishing you all the best 💐

Talk to him. It may be that it is easier on your emotions & mental state to fixate on him than process your grief. A good counsellor will understand & help you - transference is a well known phenomena.

I think you are distracting yourself from your grief completely and not letting yourself feel it. I have done similar, though not with a therapist. Lots of people especially men actually move on very quickly for similar reasons. I would try to talk with your existing counsellor about it, if you can't I'd end that one and get another counsellor. So hard.

I meant I spent time daydreaming and fantasizing for hours, it's emotional escape.

I agree. I think this is a huge distraction.
l will attempt to bring it up in my next session. If l can’t talk to him l may need to just change to a female bereavement specialist.
lt is so embarrassing and seems to have totally taken over my head. My obsessive fantasies are almost like a comfort blanket that is soothing me from the reality of my loss.

The day of my best friends funeral my husband was away and we had building work starting .. I was stressed and upset and said builder was so kind to me that I immediately had these weird feelings I've never had before .. I think it much have been some weird emotional reaction to grief .

This rang a huge bell. After my husband died I had 3 awful crushes in quick succession, over about 7 months. They were unbelievably intense and quite distressing but difficult to let go of. Luckily none of the three had much regular contact with me.

When I started having counselling and then therapy, I asked for female therapists because of this.

I think you need to tell him as part of the therapy and if I'm honest I think he should refer you to someone else.

Don't be ashamed or upset, I think it's quite a normal thing to happen but I'm afraid its also not 'real' in the sense of the basis of any contact outside therapy.

It happens all the time. Embarrassing, but totally normal.

I had a crush on dd's French headmaster. One day, I saw him after lunch and he had bits of baguette between his teeth. Took the shine off him considerably. Would something like that help?

He’s the first thing l think of when l wake up and the last when l go to sleep. It’s completely out of hand.
Hopefully it will pass soon, it’s been 2 months since l started having these deeply sexualised thoughts about him. I am almost trancelike in the sessions.
Reading all your replies, thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Shame is an awfully destructive feeling isn’t it.
l am starting to err on the side of leaving and getting a new female therapist. I don’t know how he can fix this in session.

Tell him and ask to be referred to someone he can recommend. He might as well be useful!

I just want to be rid of these irrational intrusive feelings. For anyone who has experienced this can they tell me it will pass. No contact would be a start l suppose.
l guess l will have to grieve losing him too now. What a mess.

They did pass in my case.

I stalked all of them online and the third one had such an awful twitter persona that it actually killed off the crush.

I then got involved with sex dating which stopped me obsessing over people I barely knew, though it didn't exactly simplify things.

Why kind of therapist is he? Might make a difference as to whether he is able to work through it with you. Sounds like it not a good idea to find another therapist.

Nobody tells you about the “Widows Fire.”
It’s not exactly the sort of thing l can discuss with friends and family. There is much l am learning through my grief. This avoidance l am experiencing has really shocked me.
l did discuss the Widows Fire with him. He went bright red and said it’s natural that want you want to feel alive, sex feels like life. That was my moment to tell him but l was mortified.

His speciality is trauma, grief and loss. Person centred, not analysis.
I think l have to leave and find someone else really. Best to go no contact, there have been some very small lines crossed which just adds to the obsession.
it has to be cold turkey and a female therapist l think.
l am really super attached to him so this will be hard.