Husband died, utterly besotted and obsessed with my bereavement therapist.

[Iknowthisisridiculousbut]

Sorry about the name change.
This is embarrassing, excruciating and taking over all my thoughts. After losing my husband this year l started bereavement therapy.
l am now completely obsessed by this therapist. He’s a great therapist but also handsome, intelligent, empathetic and in touch with his emotions. I have fallen head over heels for him. His presence in my head has all but erased my thoughts for my husband.
I don’t even feel like l am mourning him such is the amount of daydreaming and fantasising l do . It’s painful. Like the worst teenage crush.
l know l can never have him, l know l am being ridiculous. Is this my brains devious way of distracting me from grief ?
What can l do ? It is just too shameful to tell him and talk it out.
Should l leave the therapy ?

I think you're right. Do what you need to do. Get a new therapist.

Im not going to 'recommend' the sex dating. I was bloody lucky that nothing bad happened, and it had emotional consequences. But it was a damn sight more fun than languishing hopelessly after men who had zero interest in me.

In a way, everything is a distraction. There both is and isn't 'work' to do in grieving; there is time you have to get through; you can't just sit there. Exercise was a healthier distraction. I booked so many massages that I am still an authority on my city's massage provision; that was another helpful one. Music was another positive one. All very physical. That was how I experienced life at that time. Very raw.

I experienced the same with a therapist and tried to have a conversation about it. He was understanding, said some transference is good but not the sex kind iirc. Anyway we had to stop the therapeutic relationship on the advice of his regulator. I was gutted because it was actually helping me a lot in the brief periods in therapy when I wasn’t fantasising.

In some ways, getting obsessed by someone else is distracting, but I'm not sure it's helpful because you are putting your energies into avoidance, and into a dead end. The feelings about losing your husband and life partner will eventually surface, when mine did it was awful. I think having distractions is good, exercise, friends, work, a new project in the house, something to just keep you really busy but not emotionally stuck. A lot of men marry again in this state, often within the first year. Don't feel guilty, it's obviously common if there's a phrase for it. I would always get a female therapist as I know I'm emotionally vulnerable for this reason.

I think if l tell him that he would terminate the therapy for the same reason that yours ended.
ln my fragile state l would rather it was me that made the decision to leave, l think it must have been really difficult for you when this happened.
To me it would feel like being dumped so best l take control of the ending.
l have been in control of so little this year.

What you are experiencing is normal.
What sort of therapist is he?
A good therapist should be aware of this degree of transference and should help you find someone else.
Would writing a letter be easier?
much love to you.

The therapeutic relationship can be tricky to navigate and what you're experiencing is so, so common.

I've not managed to make it work with a male therapist and would always ask for female. Even then though I'm aware of my tendency for transference. I just love deep conversations about what makes us (actually, me! me! me!) tick, so once I have that trust in a therapist and acceptance from them, I imagine being friends once therapy is finished. They are often jolly decent people, after all.

Then when it is finished, I move on and have a clear perspective of the role they've played.

I'd email him explaining what has happened to you emotionally and ask him to refer you to a female colleague.

And please go easy on yourself. Grief is a long road and we are not in control of it. Just try to take some moments to get in touch with your feelings and allow them to be there. X

Thank you.
He’s a trauma therapist. Person centred doesn’t analyse… l would refute that though.
l am going to ask him to refer me on this week.
The responses here have pretty much made up my mind.

Allowing my feelings to come back really resonates with me.
He has to go so l can allow the feelings, the grief back in.
lt has been a grand diversion from reality.

UPDATE.
l emailed my therapist that l needed to be referred to a female therapist. I wrote that l was overly attached to him and somehow developing feelings for him that made me uncomfortable and make our working relationship untenable.
He has responded that he wants the chance to work this through with me. He has asked that at the very least we have a one more final session.
l think l will go to this session but stick to my guns on being referred to a female only.
l will also play down the increasingly sexualised thoughts l have been having towards him as this will be utterly humiliating. Although he did say that he could feel l was very attached to him and that this is good in order to make progress.
The session is on Friday so will update, hopefully with news of my new therapist and with as much dignity as l can muster.Thanks everyone.

I'd be really tempted to say that you are wondering why he felt able to ask you to override your boundaries. But I don't think it's a bad decision in itself to see him; just note that you are going to have to censor yourself in that session. That's not a basis for therapy.

Do not leave the therapy, this is a normal part of the process. What you are seeing in the therapist is not the whole picture. In time you will come through this & see it in a rounder more balanced way. What do you mean 'lines crossed'?

I don't think it's a good idea for you to go on Friday. You've made your decision and taken control of yourself which is a hugely positive move and will set you back on the right path. You don't want anything (him) to derail that.

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm afraid it does sound like you need to find another therapist because ultimately this crush is probably unhelpful for your wellbeing

He went bright red - and this is a red flag. A good therapist can deal with this.

If he gets embarrassed at an abstract concept, then how much more difficult might he find it to deal with you opening up about your feelings.

I think you should find yourself a female therapist, as you are clearly vulnerable at the moment. Contact your current therapist by email, as this will be easier for you. At this vulnerable time you need to do what makes things easiest for you.

I had fantasies about various men friends immediately after I was widowed. I am sure it was a way of escaping from all that I was going through and not having to let myself face the realities.

It is important that you recognise this as a fantasy, and do whatever makes your life easier. You are very early on in the grieving process and need the most appropriate help for you - this man is not the most appropriate.

I do not know how old you are, but here is a link to Widowed and Young: www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
Also to Way-Up, which is a site for those who have been widowed: way-up.co.uk/
You may be better off with something more impersonal at the moment.

Sending warm wishes.

I am not surprised that the therapist got back to you and suggested you continue and "work through" it. He has a vested financial interest in keeping you on board.

But your interest should now be on keeping yourself emotionally safe. You have enough emotion to deal with in your grief - you do not need to add this further complication, which will be difficult and lengthy to sort out. It is just an additional burden for you that you can do without. It might be best to cut the relationship now and see a therapist with whom you can feel comfortable and progress. You can discuss what happened with a new therapist, and get it pout of the way and concentrate on working through your grief.

You do not owe him a last session - it will be uncomfortable for you. You do not need that.

Also, you need to be realistic about what counselling can offer you - it will not make the grief go away - I am nearly 3 years down the line and sometimes the grief is very raw still - and friends in the same situation concur with that. I think you need help that is less intense, which, rather than dwelling on your grief, helps you to move on.

Yes, l am already self censoring with him and will have to in the last session.
Youare absolutely right that this is not a basis for good therapy.
Thinking very hard about what you have said regarding my boundaries.

The small lines crossed where his oversharing of his life, empowering language that became a bit too complimentary and personal. Crying together was when l realised it was just too much for me.

I developed a horrible crush on someone at work after I suffered a miscarriage. I don’t know him, hadn’t even noticed him before. I didn’t find him attractive and, as he was a virtual stranger, have no idea whether we have anything in common, yet I became completely obsessed with him. It was excruciating. I didn’t link it to the miscarriage until I was lucky enough to conceive again and the feelings completely disappeared.

I’m really sorry for your loss and hope that your situation starts to improve soon, but it may be time to find another therapist.

Thanks for the links. Widowed and Young looks interesting.
l feel so relieved that this therapy will be ending whether l go to the final session or not.
l think your point about therapy not heeling grief is very interesting, in fact l may take a Christmas/ New Year therapy break entirely and see how l feel before l move to start with the female therapist.
pit’s been so overwhelming l need a break !

Sorry to hear that your grief is still so raw.
This entire episode has distracted me from dealing with the pain. I have replaced the grief for my husband with the grief of unrequited love.
l am glad l posted on here, l am feeling less guilt as l read other stories of people experiencing this displacement too.

"The small lines crossed where his oversharing of his life, empowering language that became a bit too complimentary and personal. Crying together was when l realised it was just too much for me."

OP this makes my skin crawl. Don't go on friday, you don't need this guy's permission to no longer pay for his service (which isn't working for you as professional help should) and you have already told him your decision. This rerouting of your expressed opinion is sleazy and reinforces your gut instinct, pay attention to it.

Maybe get a new female therapist yourself that is not a referral from him so there is no future concern about him "checking up on your progress".

My suggested reply would be "Thanks for the offer, that's very kind but not necessary. I have another therapist arranged now and feel very positive about my fresh start. All the best..."

I second this completely. Your description made me feel very uncomfortable- trust your instincts.

Another person here cringing at the 'going bright red', the other things you have mentioned as well as his response to your decision to end your sessions with him. At best you can say that he's really crap at his job... you don't owe him anything.

Shimmyoo and ActionThisDay, l appreciate your comments. I think it all did become a bit too intense. He is a similar age to me, single and shares a few interests with me.
Reading all that has been written above l think l should let myself off the hook and not go to the “last session.”
When l am in the room with him l sometimes feel like l am in a trancelike state where l agree with everything he suggests.l don’t think l can trust myself to cancel the sessions face to face.
Upthread, boundaries were discussed, l think the line is clear really. This infatuation has caused me so much distress that going back for more could really backfire on me.

Thanks everyone, l will email him and say my decision is final. I won’t do a final session. I know l am really going to miss him but this has to stop.

Well done.

To break the infatuation tell yourself how you would feel if your friend told you about her new guy - she met him through his chosen profession working with vulnerable women, and sounds like he actively took advantage, set up a power play and crossed safe guarding and professional boundaries by manipulating her vulnerability at a difficult time in her life instead of doing his job promoting stability and safety. What a cockroach.