How to answer “How are you?”

[Lemons1571]

I am 3 weeks on from DF’s sudden (and a bit brutal) passing (no DNR in place). We’ve had the funeral and I feel like lots of people have had their sad closure and will now start to move forward.

We haven’t even started this process yet. DF was the last grandparent, we have no family left now. Increasingly it seems that people are checking in with me and asking things like how are you all? How did X go? Hopefully you can now look forward to Y.

I don’t know how to answer, it’s all a blur. Do you tell the truth “actually I’m awful” or do you just placate them with “fine thanks”. How do you decide who gets which response? I don’t want people to get fed up with me being all doom and gloom. But actually no, I’m not trying to enjoy Christmas and no, it won’t bring a bit of light to our lives.

I also have quite a few people offering help. But the help I really need (eg a babysitter next Saturday), no one can do because they’re busy with other things. Understandable. But they keep asking again and again, hoping I’ll come up with some help that’s convenient to them. It’s exhausting and I feel so lonely.

Any pointers?

I am not in the UK, but I just say 'It is awful' or 'I feel so lonely and miss my DH so much'.

What annoys me most is people who offer to meet for a drink but then never have time. That really pisses me off. If you don't give a shit, fine, but don't pretend.

Sorry OP, it's rotten.
One response is, 'Oh good days & bad days, trying to cope as best we can, thanks for asking'.

When my mother died and I was asked this, my response was “I’m finding it hard, some days harder than others” particularly at the beginning. Then I graduated to “ok sometimes, not ok others”. I’m sorry for your loss, we are I think pretty useless at dealing with other people’s grief and you need to be honest, particularly when you are having a bad day.