How to answer “How are you?”

[Lemons1571]

I am 3 weeks on from DF’s sudden (and a bit brutal) passing (no DNR in place). We’ve had the funeral and I feel like lots of people have had their sad closure and will now start to move forward.

We haven’t even started this process yet. DF was the last grandparent, we have no family left now. Increasingly it seems that people are checking in with me and asking things like how are you all? How did X go? Hopefully you can now look forward to Y.

I don’t know how to answer, it’s all a blur. Do you tell the truth “actually I’m awful” or do you just placate them with “fine thanks”. How do you decide who gets which response? I don’t want people to get fed up with me being all doom and gloom. But actually no, I’m not trying to enjoy Christmas and no, it won’t bring a bit of light to our lives.

I also have quite a few people offering help. But the help I really need (eg a babysitter next Saturday), no one can do because they’re busy with other things. Understandable. But they keep asking again and again, hoping I’ll come up with some help that’s convenient to them. It’s exhausting and I feel so lonely.

Any pointers?

So sorry for your loss.

this is so tricky isn’t it. If you say ‘actually I feel awful’ you risk them glossing over it or somehow shutting down the conversation, which makes you feel even worse!

Can you gently hint at the feeling awful in a way that tests the waters of whether they are really there for you, to listen and support?

’Oh, we’re doing ok overall … a bit up and down of course.’
’Im Ok thanks… was a bit hard going back to work…’

I’d advise you forget about the offers of help - they are useless unless people offer something specific unfortunately. Maybe you could say: ‘I’m too exhausted to think. Is there anything specific you are thinking of?’ Otherwise just say ‘that’s very kind of you’ and forget it.

I get what u mean. I am a year in after my partner committed suicide. I have been reading quite a bit about grief. People sometimes genuinely want to hear the truth but other times they don't. Part of me thinks,they shouldn't ask if they don't want to hear the answer. I understand what yiu mean by a blur. Have you got access to someine who genuinely wants to know how you are feeling? Sending u warm wishes.

My DF died 3 weeks ago too, and we haven't had the funeral yet.

I just say just I'm taking it day by day when people ask.

Very sorry for your loss

I'd say 'It's been brutal, still trying to cope'

I think for those who are not close, you have a standard reply "good days and bad days" and leave it at that. Most people will back off and leave you alone.

For people you trust, be honest, they want to help, so tell them what you need. They will help if they can.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost my Mum very suddenly last month. I just say I have good and bad days when people ask me. More bad than good at the moment but I have got much better at not bursting in to tears in public recently!

Yup, I feel like when people ask this what they are really saying is "have you gotten over it yet?", on the most part anyway. I think it's best to be honest, we are good at shying away from death and grief in our culture, and its not always a healthy approach.

And yes, the empty offers of help are annoying. I had genuine offers - and those people took action and sent me food, would send me a specific date to have my kids and come and collect them etc. But one friend kept offering to take on 'the practicalities' - what, like registering my mums death or organising the funeral? Closing her bank account? Literally how would they be able to do that when they barely knew my mum and live 2 hours away? Was very strange. If anything I have learnt a lot of what to say when my friends lose loved ones.

When my DM died (it was expected as she had leukemia) I would answer quite honestly and say "It's really shit, but it is what it is - we'll get there"

Thank you all. @Applecottagetree yes I feel the same, like they’re just waiting for me to be able to say “yes I’m feeling better” and they can breathe a sigh of relief that everything is now “normal”.

We are getting quite a lot of Christmas cards with “have a wonderful Christmas” and “Merry Christmas” which I’m finding really obscure. How??

@Northumberlandlass i’m going to try your response, it does sum it up somewhat.

Up and down/ I'll get there is how I'd respond if they didn't really want to know the truth.

No you say something in the middle. Like 'I'm taking it one day at a time' or something like that.

For me it depended on the day. The answer changed overtime.

At one point it was ‘it’s awful. It can’t be anything else’ another day it could be ‘I am shit, but what can anyone do. It’s just shit’ as an attempt to stop people trying to find the right thing to say. The right thing doesn’t exist.

It took me a while to say ‘I am fine, just getting on with it’. It had to get to the point where I felt like I didn’t want to share my grief with people to get to that point. I got to a point where my grief was intensely private.

Saying I was fine felt like I was betraying my Mum, at one point.

Sorry for your loss, I often say 'you know up and down' (DH died in October), which I have found isn't too positive or negative?
But it can often be a lie!

I still feel like this 2 years on. I am still bereft and yet I would feel ridiculous if I said that to people when they ask how I am. So I just say fine

So sorry for your loss.

I found a shrug of the shoulders and a oh, well, you know was enough to close down anyone foolish enough to ask that sort of question a bit thoughtlessly.

Also was very careful to pick a few of the right people to talk to more seriously.

Still don't stop me bursting into tears at the first sign of forced rhubarb in the supermarket. DF was very keen on rhubarb.

People feel obliged to ask silly questions like this, and don’t realise it’s often a ridiculous thing to ask. I’d probably say “I’m better when people don’t keep reminding me how awful it is”.

I lost both my parents this year and had this asked of me many times. My stock phrase was 'don't ask me unless you really want to know'. Bit abrupt I know but for once I was oblivious to anything and everyone else's needs/wants/etc.

Those that really cared said that they really did want to know how I was and if there was anything they could do, 1-2 others took the huff and declared 'Well! ....if that's your attitude!!
I'd lost 2 parents in 9 weeks FFS. It wasn't attitude, it was raw, blinding grief.

Op. I'm so sorry for your loss, your grief, your loneliness, and I hope that some of them actually get their act together and be there for you when you need it.

Sorry for your loss. I've just lost my Dad under what sounds like similar circumstances. If people ask me and I'm not doing great then I tell them exactly that. - 'not great'. It means they can be there for me a bit more if they want to. If they don't, they'll just say sorry to hear that and walk on. I don't feel like it serves me to lie and say that I'm fine. Hope you manage to find some peace and comfort but don't rush the grieving process, you can't stop it so let it happen in its own time. Sending love.

I'm so sorry about your lovely DF.

I hate this question too. I think it is a stock standard greeting phrase however - which most people are not really that interested or just expect a standard of 'Fine, thanks - and you?'. I do feel it is rather unthinking, and a lot of people don't really think about the impact it has on you and your recent loss.

My answers are:
'How are you?' (without actually answering their how are you question)
'I find that question really difficult to answer honestly now'
'Good days and bad'

A lot of people don't even realise when I fail to answer their question. Good friends however, will genuinely want to know.

OP, in grief, the last thing you need is to try and make other people feel better or less awkward. I have found that if people have not yet lost someone they have loved, they don't really understand what you are going through nor how insensitive the question is.

"Oh, you know...." is a good answer.

I think people can't do right for trying in these circumstances.

You've just got to be glad they care and stop feeling angry at them. It's not their fault. Everyone experiences loss.

Personally I wouldn't write have a great Christmas in cards to thd bereaved. I'd probably try and acknowledge that first year without loved one is hard.

Still not worth getting upset at them. If you ask for help and they can't provide it that's life. Don't make them feel badly about it.

I'm sorry for your loss though

@ZenNudist im not really angry as such. It’s when they massively stress me out that makes me cross.

For example, postponing an arranged Xmas meet up by 2 weeks because “things will have calmed down by then and you’ll really look forward to it.

So now I feel totally stressed that I need to be much better in 2 weeks time, and i don’t know how to achieve that. I feel abnormal, possibly perceived as moaning on. Leading to resentment against them, even though they misguidedly mean well.

There is not a specified time limit on grief. I naively thought o would be in a different place avyr on and I'm.not. I remember reading somewhere that grief is not something to get over it is something u eventually learn to.live alongside,it is always there in varying degrees. I also read grief is like a wave it can retreat then come crashing back. This can happen in an instant I know. As for the Christmas messages I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes Merry Christmas is just not appropriate. Be kind to yourself.

It depends who asks and when. My grandad died just before Christmas. He was old and sick and it was time. So everyone expects that we'll be okay when actually even though we knew it was coming it's really thrown us all.

If it's someone I don't know very well I just say "oh fine, thanks" because they're not really interested so it's not worth saying any more.

If it's someone who should know something about it I say "not great, we're all really sad. It's been a bit of a sad Christmas to be honest"
They then usually reply with a patronising comment about how old he was and what a good life he'd had so we shouldn't be sad.

If it's a good pal I say "pretty shit actually" which is about the truth of it.

I'm sorry for all your losses. Its shit.

What do you want people to ask?

Please try not to stress about this - if this is genuine friends who are just a bit awkward with their wording, they'd hate for you to feel the need to dress up & head out to meet them. Perhaps you take control of the narrative and just say that you're not sure how you'll be feeling & what all will be happening, so for them to go ahead & you'll catch up later.

if they're idiots who think the next 2 weeks will see everything rosy again, then ignore for now.

I sometimes think a 'how are you" can just be interpreted how you like. Sometimes I will mean it and / or you'll pick it up as no more than "hello" - in that I don't want to pass by without saying hello and acknowledging your loss, but not wanting to add to your pain in any way. Or it can be an opening line for you to tell me "it's shit ...". Or it's me saying "I know it'll be shit, but I don't expect you to say or do much right now."
Without putting any pressure on you, pick your battles as to whether you vent or not.

I came across by chance a book by Niamh Fitzpatrick (Tell Me The Truth About Loss) which touches on this a bit.