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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Surviving Christmas newly bereaved.

28 replies

AnSionnachGlic · 02/12/2022 17:50

My mum passed away last month and I'm really dreading Christmas. I have 4 older kids 15 yrs -21 yrs who really miss their Gran as she lived next door to us. We are all still reeling from her death and feel there is a big hole in our family. We are normally a family who really love Christmas and usually go all out with decorations and parties but this year I feel flat! How can I get through the next few weeks
and be there for my family ,without falling apart completely . It really is so difficult.

OP posts:

movealong · 02/12/2022 18:13

I totally understand how your feeling at the moment, my mum passed away 5 months ago. I’m absolutely dreading Christmas without her, I’m putting on a brave face for my kids who are between the ages of 5 and 8. My only advice is take one day at a time and talk about your lovely mum as much as you can.

Hellocatshome · 02/12/2022 18:21

Can you go away and do Christmas differently. I found trying to do the things you would normally do with the person who has passed away just highlights their absence.

EngTech · 02/12/2022 18:27

Remember the good times and take it one day at a time 👍

Do what you feel is best for you and your family

Ficti · 02/12/2022 18:49

Perhaps try some Christmas voluntary work; Salvation Army, your local foodbank charity?

LlynTegid · 02/12/2022 18:52

In some way do Christmas differently. You may not be able to be at a different place but hopefully something can be such that you are able to have a Christmas without too much sadness.

gogohmm · 02/12/2022 18:54

I would balance between doing things differently, fill the hole she's left by perhaps doing some volunteering, or an activity, but also think about what she would want you to do?

My job means I'm in contact with bereaved people regularly, a family today I was speaking to are putting up a tree but using only white lights this year

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/12/2022 18:55

I'm so sorry for your loss op.
I would do things differently this year but don't be afraid to talk about why it's different and sad. Next year will be easier, you must all still be reeling.

Roselilly36 · 02/12/2022 19:01

So sorry for your loss OP, it’s really tough I know. I lost my wonderful MIL last year, tbh, Christmas last year wasn’t too bad, I think we were still in shock and it hadn’t sunk in, we are finding this Christmas much harder. Just get through it however you can.

PauliesWalnuts · 02/12/2022 19:02

My mum died on 13 December when I was 23 (many years ago now) and we had the funeral on 20th, so I know how you feel. It’s different for everyone but my dad and sibling and I decided we wouldn’t change too much from how my mum did things but it would be lower key. We went for a drink with my dad on Xmas eve, then midnight mass, and we lit a candle for my mum when we got back, and talked about her a lot. We didn’t accept any (well-meaning) invitations as we knew we’d just suck the joy out of someone else’s Christmas - we just had a rest, counted the blessings we still had, ate well, watched tv, and got through it.

jennyt82 · 02/12/2022 19:05

I totally understand how you're feeling too, my Mum passed away suddenly 4 weeks ago and I'm just devastated. I'm dreading Christmas, my Mum has left such a huge hole, she loved Christmas and spoiling my 4 children. My poor Dad just gets so upset everytime Christmas day is even mentioned. No advice just a hand hold because you're not alone.

EATmum · 02/12/2022 19:13

I'm totally with you. About 9 months into this grief and can't get my head round Christmas without my lovely mum. I want to be there for my DDs, but find it so hard to feel at all Christmassy.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 02/12/2022 19:16

Hellocatshome · 02/12/2022 18:21

Can you go away and do Christmas differently. I found trying to do the things you would normally do with the person who has passed away just highlights their absence.

My husband died in October a few years ago, so quite close to Christmas. He also loved Christmas, which meant I liked it because I could see his genuine enjoyment. If he hadn’t enjoyed it I certainly wouldn’t. I decided I didn’t want to try and do the sort of Christmas we might have done; his absence would have been unbearable that first year. So I didn’t spend it with family, as though we usually spent it home together and then away for new year, sometimes we would go to family on one side or the other. So, I spent the first Christmas with friends, which was wonderful. The second Christmas, lockdown 2020, I spent at home by myself and then walking on the beach, and then last Christmas with friends again. Only this year am I considering it with family, and even then I’m not sure. But, my father does have a very good wine collection, so…

LadyLolaRuben · 02/12/2022 19:18

I've been in your shoes OP and it was my dad a few years ago. This is our first post covid19 Xmas without him. I got through it by doing something completely different on the first Xmas day since he passed away. That way you have nothing to compare it to when your mum was alive. So have Xmas dinner at a restaurant, go for along walk on beach or in a forest etc. It really is tough x

BlueyPuff · 02/12/2022 19:38

My Mum died in hospital 6 days ago. We knew she was declining and were partly prepared but it still comes as a shock. We will have a quiet Christmas day and probably go for a nice long walk.

Sarahlou677 · 02/12/2022 19:51

My dad died last month, having my little boys first birthday without him was horrible. I keep switching the radio off every time a Christmas song comes on. Christmas was his favourite time of year, we will just have a quiet one.

FinallyHere · 02/12/2022 19:56

So sorry for your loss. I hear you.

One step at a time and simply don't do anything you don't want to do.

Have a bit of a chat with your DC and come up with a rough plan of what you will and won't do.

Keep it flexible and be kind to your selves. If you decide you can't face something after all, don't do it.

One gentle step at a time.

Kenworthington · 02/12/2022 20:02

Oh op I feel the same. My dad passed away on Monday. His funeral is booked for the 15th. I feel so wrong doing any of the things planned that I’d been looking forward to, before the funeral is at least out of the way. So I don’t want to put up the tree or go on my Xmas work night out. Both those things I was really like forward to. I just feel flat. I lost my mum att he very start of last year just after Xmas and it’s kind of rained my joy somehow. But like you I have two teens and one in mid twenties. I was already a bit meh about Xmas this year as for the first time ever ds1 and his fiancé won’t be with us. I know my dd who is the only one still living at home will want to put the decs up next weekend and I just don’t know how I feel about having all our decs up with the wake here just a few days later

Kenworthington · 02/12/2022 20:03

Ugh so many stupid autocorrects in there

lollipoprainbow · 02/12/2022 22:12

My mum died two months ago. It's hard, I feel very teary especially trying to do Christmas shopping and making it special for my dd.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 02/12/2022 22:22

My second parent died suddenly and unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. Because of the pm the funeral isn’t until next week.

I just cannot be bothered with anything to do with Christmas.

in laws want us to spend the day with them but I’d rather not. They will be very offended if we don’t go. I’d like to go away, somewhere completely different but dc don’t break up until 23rd, and I need to be back for a friends wedding on 29th December so I can’t see that happening

op do what feels right for you. I’m really feeling cross with my in laws for insisting that we join them rather than accepting that a day at home just the 4 of us would be easier. DH feels swayed by his mum and thinks she knows best so I am stuck unless I make everyone feel uncomfortable and stay home by myself

sending love to everyone who’s in the same position xx

Diversion · 02/12/2022 22:25

My Mum died a few days ago, I am not a fan of Christmas anyway and would quite happily ignore the whole thing but my Mum would not want that. We had already planned a toned down Christmas financially anyway. We will still have a tree, we will still have Christmas dinner and we will still have our usual Boxing Day buffet. Dad may spend Christmas with my sister as he did alternative years anyway but things will continue here, with a little sadness and no place cards at the dinner table. I am devastated but people have to go on living and I refuse to spoil Christmas as we have a new grandchild. We will toast Mum mostly with soft drinks and remember her and hope that next Christmas will come a little easier to us all.

Original poster

AnSionnachGlic · 02/12/2022 23:56

Thank you all so much for your heart felt replies and so sorry that so many of you are hurting like me, but in a small way it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sometimes when I'm being bombarded by cheery ads, tv etc it gets so overwhelming as usually I'm so into the whole performance but now I'm like an outsider looking in. I appreciate the suggestion by some replies to change the usual format but I know that would not go down well with the rest of my family. In some way I hope to get some small comfort in the ordinary ritual of Christmas and let most of it wash over me. I'll still put up our tree ( my mum loved the twinkling lights) and cook the turkey/ham ( my mums recipe) and hopefully get through the day without falling apart. Our family have always bore loss with determined resilience ( and denial!) which I know is not always a healthy way to deal with loss, but is how I think I'll get through it. I really appreciate all your support.....it really is so difficult.

OP posts:

MumofSpud · 03/12/2022 07:35

I decided no tree this year (husband died in October) but would make a little 'shrine' with a sparkly twig tree thing (I think that usually MN is not a fan of!)
Yesterday went to get one in the Range - am standing in the middle of the Christmas bit with my sparkly twig tree and E17 comes on 'Stay another Day'
Cue me sobbing and my teen DD trying her best to hide my face with the twig tree
Other people have suggested raising a toast / leaving a place for them.

MarieTharp · 03/12/2022 07:42

Our family have always bore loss with determined resilience ( and denial!) which I know is not always a healthy way to deal with loss

I think resilience (without the denial!) is a perfectly healthy way to deal with this.

AlwaysLatte · 03/12/2022 07:47

Sorry for your loss. My Dad died this year too and he usually comes at Christmas. He has always raised a glass at lunch 'to absent friends' and this year he's the absent one 😢. But we'll have 12 here for Christmas including a puppy and a baby so it will be too busy for me to mope much. I definitely would say keep busy.

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