Do kids ever get over suicide of a parent?

[bao9]

Thank you to anyone who was going to offer the helpful links for books and groups and counselling, etc., but I already have all those. I've been reading a lot. I guess I just wanted to talk to people who may have first-hand experience (if anyone with such experience actually wants to share - I understand if not).

I feel like it's a life sentence. I've read about all the potential negative outcomes. Is there any way children can live a normal/good life after this?

Winstons wish is a good service for those affected by suicide.

I think with help it won’t destroy their lives but think it will always stay with them.

www.winstonswish.org

How old are your children and how long ago did they lose their parent? I'm so sorry

I lost my dad to suicide- I won't lie it's been tough to get through, especially as the way he did it was dramatic and public was at Christmas time and was covered extensively in the press.

I do, however, have a loving relationship and two children of my own. I work and I have a great network of friends. I'd say I am happy a lot of the time- Father's Day and Christmas were hard for a long time. I do ok now with the passage of time.

I did blame myself for a long time - "What if I hadn't left that day" "what if I'd noticed the change in him" "why didn't he love me enough to stay".

It's very tough but yes, unfortunately I know several people in this position it far too common alas. They have gone on to have successful settled lives but struggled at first understandably. Get support in real life, online and talk is my advice

Both under 7. I keep reading this stuff online about how badly it is going to affect them forever more.

Yes my friend went through the tragic suicide of her mum in her teens. A very rocky few years followed but now she’s in her 30s, happily married & with kids, working hard, has her own home. I think there are aspects of death by suicide that make it far harder to move forward from, and I’m sure the experience has shaped her in ways I’m not privy to, but she lives a good life and is not defined on a daily basis by what happened.

The advice/literature/anecdotes can all be so conflicting it just feels overwhelming tbh. Confusing.

I think their young ages will help with this, sorry for your loss.

The thing is people who are adult now didn't grow up with our attitudes to grief and discussion and openness. Often suicide was repressed and not discussed. I am optimistic the kids you're talking about will benefit from a better approach and will be more equipped to cope. I so hope so and am sure you're helping.

I lost my dad to suicide age 20. Sister and brother were teens. We are ok now. It was really hard at times but we live fulfilled and happy lives as adults. I’m married with 2 dc with a job I really like. Sister is engaged and living with fiancé abroad. Brother has 2 kids and is happy. It actually got easier I think when I had my own family. Like I was part of a proper family unit again at last.

Yes I personally know two women who completely transformed their suffering into amazing lives. Lots of therapy and support, but they are successful thriving women. One is a therapist.
Google 'wounded healer' OP.
I'm so sorry you and your children have to deal with this. Wishing you strength. 🌹

my stepmother left my 8 year old halfbrother, fortunately he was shielded from the details as it was very bad. He has struggled with his mental health (he's now early 20s) but our joint father is not very emotionally available and my brother was their only child so he was relatively isolation which hasn't helped.

I would think having a solid support network would mitigate much of the damage over time, lots of friends, stay connected to the deceased ones family, make them know they are loved and are good enough.

My brother always found it difficult that no-one talked about his mother, everyone would go quiet. As difficult as it was for me (as she wasn't kind to me) I always tried to find her good points to bring up with him so he could have those brief memories.

I've invited him for Christmas this year so we can spoil him!

@bao9
You say you don't want links to books, groups, or counselling, so my suggestion may not be helpful.
There is a national support organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, (S.O.B.S for short). Easy to Google - they have a website.
It was set up for, and is run by, people who have first-hand experience of the death of a loved one by suicide, and you do say that you would like to talk to someone who has experienced what you have.
Fortunately, I've never had to contact them, but they've been around a long time, and the son of a friend of mine found them to be so helpful recently after his best friend died by suicide.
I sincerely wish you well

Before answering can I please just check why you are asking.

Have your childen already lost a parent to suicide or are you or their other parent planning for it?

I've read a few threads on here in the past where people have been asking if their children will be OK or even better off which is why I ask.

I’m so sorry your going through this @bao9 My Dad did when I was a young teen. I won’t lie it was awful at the time, our mother wasn’t emotionally available to us, I only saw her cry once. Her way of dealing it was to act as if he’d never existed, so he was never spoken of at home.

To this day I find it difficult to say he committed suicide as I suppose I feel it was embarrassing that he ‘chose’ to leave us.

My mother was the loveliest woman and cared for us deeply, but was lost in her own grief. I do feel the wider family should have stepped in and supported us.

Myself and elder sibling turned out fine, both now very happy but youngest Id say was most affected as they lost their role model who was never replaced.

Seek out support for you all, speak of him often and have pictures of him around. Get them into clubs etc with strong male role models and tell them he’d be proud of them.

Actually this is a point.

OP, respectfully, are you asking because a loss has already happened?

Please speak without fear of judgement or backlash.

I have a dear relative who lost her father as a child, leaving her mother and a younger sibling. She is the loveliest person I know and , while I no doubt imagine times have been extremely tough, she lives her life with joy. She went into psychotherapy. I’ve never asked but perhaps as a result of her father. I think she feels great pity for her father who chose to end his life during a time (many years ago) when there wasn’t a great deal of help available for those who were struggling.

My mum, auntie and uncle - all lovely people today - never got over it and all have mental health issues due to it and I know they'd have different lives and be different people today if their dad hadn't done it. But they also saw their mum have a mental breakdown after it too, so there was a lot in the aftermath that added to it. Lack of support, no counselling, an expectation to get on with it on their own. They were all under 13.

OP are you okay? I read this yesterday and have been thinking about you.

Sorry I kind of messed up - I made a throwaway account to post this thread but then promptly forgot the login details. So I'm the OP and I can't log on to the account I started this thread with now.

I suppose I was just trying to convince myself they could be ok, but I know that's not truly the case even if plenty of people can survive it and be "ok".

What’s making you feel this way OP?

@paobao9 I think the answer is that it depends on the person and a myriad variables including how they discovered/ were told of their parent's death, the support they received, their personality, how they grieve and so forth.

Grief is a very individual thing.

I recently lost my mother who was in her late 70s. We were very close she was my best friend and its a suprise to me that I am still here functioning in any way. I dont really want to live without her. I was talking to someone who lost their mother in their teens and said how I thought that must be so much worse.as in at least I'd had my mother for many years. Their response was very interesting to me.

They said that they thought I'd had it w;orse because they had lived such a short part of their life with their mother so in their eyes it was comparatively "easier" ( I put that in inverted commas because no grief is easy) for them to cope with because they had such as short period of time with their mother and were used to living life without a parent. Whereas I had lived many many years with my mother and was not used at all to any life without her.

The point about this story and why Im telling you is that people are different and perspectives are different so while a loss and grief will be with you for life, how a person copes is very individual. It doesn't follow that a young person who has a parent who commits suicide will be "f*cked up" forever if that is what you are asking. Of course its possible but many will not be in that situation.

It appears that the OP is looking for reassurance that her kids will be ok eventually if she takes her own life 💔Apologies if I’m wrong OP but that’s how it’s coming across